Recovery mode ongoing

I had been planing on having a new blog post for you guys today. However, my muscles disagree and the fatigue is a bit overwhelming still so, here is a look back at something I wrote for a Non-profit Organization. Bullying comes in all kinds of forms.

Growing up people tell you, you will find yourself, most likely in your twenties and you will understand. Well that never really happened in my twenties. I would not describe my twenties as a time of exploration, more an intensive crash course in real life learning. Hard lessons that popped my bubble of how I thought things would go.

Read more here.

A common theme of kindness

The more involved in #1000speak , the more my mind has opened. I want to write some posts that cover some of the common areas of compassion that have been talked about. Compassion covers such a broad area. I love that we will be continuing this on a monthly basis. I love that we have gotten sub-topics for each month yet, still under the wing of compassion. However, sometimes the words just need to come out and this is one of those times.

Religion can be such a touchy topic. We often look at the differences. We often make judgement based on the religion as a whole. There are extremest and I would even go so far as to say terrorist in every religion. It does not and should not mean they represent the entire religion. The only way to really find out what a religion is about is to learn. The biggest hurdle is actually wanting to learn; wanting to leave behind judgement and assumptions and learn. The more I have done this the more I have seen similarities. The more I have seen religion mostly talks about kindness and love. It is the general theme that runs through them all. This Sunday our sermon was about Radical Hospitality, that seems like a great place to start.

 As someone who not only loves to read but also loves to research questions like this, I can tell you I got lost in Google. Before I knew it, I had twenty tabs open.Generally I find these kinds of stories fascinating to begin with. Stories that tell a story but also teach a value.  I can safely tell you there is not a lack of stories that talk about being kind, showing hospitality, having compassion. As is often the case in life, not one of these stories teach only one lesson. Really they could be deconstructed to teach quite a bit more than just one lesson. However, I kept my searches to hospitality. I searched for stories of hospitality in Islam, Jewish,Christian Buddhism, Hinduism, Wicca as well as just God’s and Goddess’s in general. I was really aiming for leaving no one religion out. However, I am sure there are many more than just these. Seriously, I had to keep some perspective or I could easily still be lost in the search three days later.

I think the first step is to know what does the word hospitality really mean. Dictionary.com states it is a noun and an adjective; 1.the friendly reception and treatment of guests or strangers. 2. the quality or disposition of receiving and treating guests and strangers in a warm, friendly, generous way. I wanted more though and then I stumbled upon the synonyms. Kindness, warmth, generosity, and even more into those words heart,love and compassion show up. Something I noticed is it doesn’t say anything about “the golden rule” treat others as you expect to be treated or treat others as you would treat yourself. The Minister today made a good point that how we treat ourselves is really not a good place to start from. I know I don’t always treat myself with compassion and kindness. I can be down right mean and overly critical of myself.

Islam speaks of how the Profit Muhammad showed hospitality,whether the guest was expected or not. There are many references to hospitality in the qu’ran and it often references the story The Honored Guests of Abraham. A story of entertaining angels. While this can also show that sometimes it feels awkward for the host as well, it also shows not to make judgments. Abraham thought they were odd but still he showed them hospitality.  Hospitality is also heavily through the Christian Bible as well. In Hebrews 13:2 it also states to always show hospitality as many have entertained angels unaware. 1 Peter 4:9 also states to do so without grumbling. This is a great reminder that hospitality should be given without complaining.  Even the Buddha stated that hospitality should be shown to all, whatever their caste, religious affiliation or status.  There is also a great Buddhist story about one way hospitality.  It falls along the lines of selfless service; You must give to receive,which can again be linked back to the bible as well.  Even in Hinduism there is the thought that everyone and everything is god. Therefore the act of hospitality is also an act of worship. They also have a story of God as a guest. I stumbled upon a great Jewish story of A Rich Man’s Hospitality. This one also shows the lesson of seeing people for their own value, not measured by what they have and can give. I especially love the stories of the God’s and Goddess’s. Over and over they show that kindness and selfless acts and true genuine hospitality is the way. From Hestia to Vesta to Empanada and even Zeus was concerned about showing hospitality to anyone and everyone. Wicca celebrates hospitality in the second harvest also known as Mabon.

There are so many things I could say. I could really write about each one of theses stories and religions. However, what I wanted you to see is that it all ties together. It doesn’t matter who you worship or don’t worship, who you believe in or don’t believe in, they are all saying the same thing. In a very broad general term, they are saying to love. Love doesn’t judge, or hate, or assume anything. Love doesn’t care what it does or doesn’t have it gives anyway. This is what they are all saying and I can see that just by zeroing in on one topic. It runs that rampant through all religions.

References:

http://www.islamreligion.com/articles/10662/

 http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/312880/jewish/A-Rich-Mans-Hospitality.htm

http://learningtogive.org/resources/folktales/Calabash.asp

 http://www.buddhisma2z.com/content.php?id=178

 http://vedanta.org/2012/monthly-readings/god-as-guest-hospitality-in-hindu-culture/

http://www.openbible.info/topics/hospitality

http://paganwiccan.about.com/od/greekdeities/p/HestiaProfile.htm

http://www.thaliatook.com/OGOD/empanada.html

http://www.lib.unb.ca/Texts/QWERTY/Qweb/qwerte/mic_mal/visit.htm

http://www.comp.leeds.ac.uk/nora/html/51-24.html

  http://www.anglicantheologicalreview.org/static/pdf/articles/snodgrass.pdf

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hospitality

The importanance of medication changes

It is easy to get stuck in a rut. You know something isn’t working like it used to but you don’t know what so you keep on trudging through. The thought of stoping medication is enough to send me into a panic attack. Take some deep breaths, you can do this. I have been through several and though not fun and not always by choice, it was often for the better.

That being said, I am remembering how horrid Cymbalta is to come off of.  I swore when I got off it I would not go back on. It worked so well so I did. I felt I had to. I had to function somehow. What I did not realize was it was not just the cymbalta but the combination of medications I had been on. I did not go back on the others. It was easier to stay on the medication I knew then to go back off and try other medications. At the time I also was not really comfy with the psychiatrist who was prescribing. I had to feel very comfortable to explore different medications, to me this is a very intimate process. It requires me to be more open with the Doctor than I might normally be. I have to be prepared for that mentally as well.

Medication changes for people who are dependent on them is pretty important. There is a little thing called tolerance. Ideally we should be increasing and decreasing and changing up medications, tweaking them. Often though we just stay at the same dose the same medication until it is all not working.  By that time we are often in a flare. It does not really matter what the medication is for, chronic pain, mental health or chronic illness. We build up a tolerance to it.

It is exhausting. I mean EXHAUSTING to go through medication changes. Often we wait. It is not the right time. It is too hard. It will wait. The only thing waiting does is put off the inevitable. It makes it even harder on us. Then comes the frustration because no matter the medication, the change slows us down. There are some things we just can’t handle doing right now.

Then there are the situations we really need to avoid, the ones that are triggers. The ones that push our buttons. We go from fine to OMG GET AWAY FROM ME NOW. For me it tends to be the ones that say prescriptions are not the answer, I just need to do…….. try…… or my personal favorite turn to religion. I tend to not tell the people that are apt to turn to that about the medication changes I am going through.It is the only way I have of coping with that. It is still a work in progress.

I am not telling ANYONE to go off their medications. It is something that needs a doctor supervising. It is not something to attempt or do on your own.  I can not stress this enough.  Research the other medications that are out there, sure that is fine. It is ultimately up to the doctor to decide which ones and which combos are right for you.

Serenity Sunday 11/24/2013

So….Serenity. You have been very elusive to me this week.

Princess P always always brings me serenity.

 

and being able to watch her breastfeed is truly one of the most peaceful things about this past week.

 

Then there is the kid… The one the only the kid.

 

 

 

Serenity really seemed hard to find. I felt like I had hardly taken any pictures and for me it was less than normal but when I looked back through them. Serenity was there. I just didn’t notice.

From playgrounds at sunset to friends to chat with to the cats I adore…it was there.

 

 

Sometimes Serenity is just admitting you are grumpy.

 

It took walking home from church today for it to hit me. Not once this week did I take a walk just by myself. Not once did I make sure I was taking care of myself. Not once did I make sure I was centered.

So not surprising that I flared Friday Saturday and part of Sunday.

When I stopped to look I found the reason.

 

Next week I will do better. Even if I have to schedule it in.

You don’t have to agree with my labels, They are mine.

Labels can make you feel vulnerable….exposed…unsafe.

or

Labels can make you feel happy….secure…comfortable.

Labels can change and turn and no longer apply to us. Labels can stay the same and never change.

Its how we look at it.  It’s okay if one label offends you but another does not. It’s okay to say I prefer the term… It’s okay to not be okay with a label. It’s okay to be okay with a label. How you label yourself does not reflect on others.

I personally label myself in the following ways : Woman, Wife, Mother, Photographer, Writer, Readaholic, environmentalist, chronically sick, disabled, Chronic pain patient, survivor, Ecologist, housekeeper,babysitter, nail-biter, Wiccan, teacher, animal lover, Rule enforcer, mental illness patient, giver, lover, Driver, chef, Unitarian Universalist, Friend, Democrat, naturist, explorer, typist, volunteer, caretaker, listener, talker, activist .Over protective, Paranoid,OCD.

Some are good, some are funny, some are touchy subjects. They are also labels. I am actually okay with every label I have up there. Will those labels be the same in five years? Probably not. Some will stay, some will go , New ones will be tried out. Old ones discarded.

I was raised with the idea that you only had a few labels and you kept them for the rest of your life. So this has been a challenge for me. I tried not liking Labels. Nope I felt undefined. I didn’t like it. Not one little bit. I may change my definitions, but I like them.  Others do not. That’s okay. They are not about them. They are about me. This is one area that it truly can be ALL ABOUT ME. I have found the more I am okay with change the more I grow. I want to keep growing.

I typically don’t have a filter. If I think it…it comes out of my mouth. Sometimes it puts people off. That’s okay too. Sometimes though it starts open honest conversations. Sometimes they are about labels that people think its not okay to talk about. (Whispered shockingly) Especially out in public.  When my filter is hardest to even attempt to control is when I am also curious about something. Its hard sometimes. I feel like I have just said. Darth Vader is my father or Lord Voldermort. Sometimes it offends people and they never talk to me again. That’s okay too. Its who I am. I am okay with that. It makes me value the conversations that go very well  all the more. When I meet someone else that asks the hard questions or makes me think about why I said that or why I did that….watch out…We are often fast friends.

I know some people who are offended by certain labels. Who are offended for me for certain labels. They would never want THAT label associated with them. That is okay too. Some people don’t like the tidy little corners that Labels can put you in. For me, I need it.

Even if they are constantly changing and evolving.

Add some more labels to me……changer and grower. Some people are okay with not changing, not growing. I am not one of those people.

How open is your mind?

I struggled with what to write about today. So I am going out on a ledge here and just writing what tumbled through my head as we took a walk today.

I recently attended a workshop that is aimed at helping our church select a new minister.

   So my thoughts today have been about how open is my mind really? I really thought I had a pretty open mind. But really leaving what you were raised with and embracing a totally different thought process is hard work. I doubt I will ever really be done working on that.  I am constantly having to stop and think and explore is this really how I feel.

           Some things I don’t struggle with. Somethings I fully embrace and leave behind the restrictions of the past. I fully embrace gay/lesbians getting married , having kids, being “gasp” normal people. I fully embrace people of all color and race and try to keep family members thoughts separate from my own. To look at each person as their own person not based on skin color. That while I would not consider myself atheist I would also not classify myself as a christian. The way we have been raised makes a difference. The whispers that run through our mind.  That’s what I struggle with the most. When will those whispers fully go away?

            The trick has been to know  when the whispers are your thoughts and when it is spoon-fed rhetoric that you were brought up on.Taking time to stop and examine each part of our lives, not just religious part, and accept and own how we feel.It took me years to really know how I felt about gays and lesbians. It was a hard subject to talk about because it was not talked about in any kind of positive light growing up. Neither was mental illness or poor people or black people or middle eastern people or other  religions.

              So openly talking about my own mental illnesses and looking at it and talking about it in a positive light. That has really stretched my boundaries and really opened my mind. Living with and adjusting to living with multiple invisible illnesses and being open to talking to others about that. The boundaries were again pushed.When our boundaries are pushed we are often uncomfortable. I know when I am uncomfortable I either get very grumpy or retreat into myself or both.

             Now when something makes me uncomfortable I tend to stop, think about why its making me uncomfortable. In the past my response was always to run. Run as fast and as far as I could from it. Deny it was happening. Deny that I felt that way. Now when something makes me uncomfortable ,that instinct to run is still there but also a curiosity. Do I know everything I need to know about that subject? Can I expand my knowledge of it? I have often found that finding unbiased information about whatever is making me uncomfortable is a great way to analyze how I really feel.How I feel….not how my parents feel….not how my closest friends feel…..how I feel.

I have found that where I thought I was open minded I am not so much. Where I thought I was narrow minded I am more open. Some of it surprises me. Some of it not so much.

So my end thought in all of this is that I plan on stretching my boundaries a bit more regularly than I have been. That as a parent I feel this is my responsibility to my daughter. Just as important as feeding and clothing her, so is enriching my mind and really embracing what I believe in with knowledge. That maybe if she sees me doing this and being open about how it makes me feel, it will help her to do the same. That she won’t think that when you are an adult you stop growing, stop learning.  So that maybe she won’t have those whispers to distinguish between her thoughts and other thoughts. So that maybe her first instinct is not to judge.

We give thanks for freedom

Today is Veteran’s Day , a day we stop and think and thank a Veteran of a war that gave us the freedoms we DO have. Ones that sometimes in our First World minds seem like not such a big deal.

(Jenni Sent- My Dad and Mom with my son.)

Facebook is full of  both Republicans and Democrats criticizing the government.  Do these people realize that just being able to post that kind of stuff on Facebook is a freedom that they have. One that others do not have. One that others if they did so could be killed. Their family killed as well.

Facebook has all sides of religion on it. There is no state chosen religion. We have the right to believe what we want to believe. Its a FREEDOM that we have not earned but was fought for us.

Facebook its self is a right that we have. The right to free speech. People died to give us this right.

(Cece sent in this one of her Mom and Dad)

The right to bear arms, whether you agree with it or not, was a right that was fought and paid for by the blood of others.

The right to own private property….The right to not house soldiers in your home when you don’t want to….The right to JUSTICE itself was fought for. Some fought with every breath they had.

(A good friend of mine, James Watkins, Received 2 Purple Hearts. He was wounded in Vietnam twice and won many other awards. He promised God if he got him out of that hole he would devote his life to him. He has been a preacher since 1972)

Some of those brave men and women went above the call of duty. Not only were they fighting for our freedoms but they also did their best to show compassion, bravery, and common decency even if it was towards the enemy.

(Ashley sent- My husband E5 Sargent Daniel Craft)

Some left loved ones behind this is not something that happened in years past. This is something that still happens every day. These people  believe in these rights and make daily sacrifices for these rights.

(My nephew , Cameron Craft in  Daniel Crafts uniform)

Its not always with their lives. Sometimes its sacrificing time and memories that they can’t get back. Time and memories they were not there for. True now there is technology but births via skype or recordings or pictures. They were not there in person.

(Ashley sent- E5 Sargent -Daniel Craft. Marine, Currently deployed)

I know the rights and freedoms may not be the same for the other countries that fought and still do fight. I do know though that their sacrifice is just as great. Just as big and just as hard.

(Marines carrying the flag in Fourth of July parade , Temecula CA)

We give you Honor. We give you Thanks.

(Kari sent- My brother in law, Patrick.)

We can’t thank you enough.

(Kari sent- my brother William and my daughter)

We are humbled by your sacrifice.

(Mattie sent-That’s my Pa. He served in the Navy before meeting his beautiful wife, Granny and going on to have seven children, twenty-one grandchildren, and we have lost count of the great grandchildren… Sadly, he passed away when I was in the seventh grade. One of the greatest men I have ever known.)

We are safe because you fight. Whether it was for your country or not did not matter. Injustice was being done and that was all that mattered.

(Susan Miller sent this-Clifford Allen – was my mum’s oldest brother – the uncle I never got to meet. He flew for his country with the RAF, married and died just six weeks later when his plane crashed on 3rd September 1945. He was just 20 yrs old. Armistice Day is for men [and women] like this … and their families. God Bless you all …)

We are able to feel safe because you serve without regard to your own needs and desires.

(Stacia sent- SSG Jobie Langston and our daughter)

Some gave everything they had.

(Amber sent- my grandfather, Ron Roylance. He is my father’s stepfather but was the only grandfather I really knew and was close to. He served in the Navy during the Korean war.  He passed away this past January.  He is pictured with my niece, Ashlee.)

We are proud of you.

(Amber sent- my father, Bryant. He also served in the navy but never saw any combat.  He is pictured with my sister, Heather.)

We support you.

(Amber sent-aternal grandfather, Nyle Davis’, footstone. He served in the Army during the Korean War.  He passed away 20 years ago this coming New Years Eve.)

We are the home of the BRAVE.  Our Freedom is all the more special because of your sacrifice!

THANK YOU just doesn’t seem enough.

We will not forget! We will not forget! We will not forget!

Courage and chronic pain

Recently I was asked where one finds the courage to keep going. To keep facing chronic pain, chronic illness and the dark cloud of depression.

Courage, its important. I know it is. Do you have to be brave to have courage? No I don’t think you do. I think courage is doing what you know you must do even if you are scared crappless of it.

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying “I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher

I can’t tell you how much I love this quote.. How much it has helped me get through some of the toughest times. How much it comforted me at the end of a really bad day.

I have mentioned briefly that I don’t view myself as christian but at one time I did. It was not a dramatic parting. More like over time over years realizing that this is not really what I believe. Not really, not deep down. You would think after four and half years of trying to get pregnant , after miscarriages and sorrow, after a difficult delivery that my faith would have been renewed. Really I can’t say when it started…but I would say probably after my miscarriage and being told God gives and God takes away. This did not sit well with me. It did not reflect a loving God to me. Then to go through all of that and finally be a mother and finally have what I had wanted for years…..to be told that I had a chronic illness. Then to find out I had many. The judgement I received and the things I was told. Deffinetely left me wondering. I continued to try and the gap between what I was hearing and what I felt just grew larger and larger. But not going to church didn’t sit well with me either. I missed the community , the fellowship and even the few who had shown me true love.  My questions were often met with you need to just believe. I am sorry I have a scientific mind and I was not satisfied with the thought of don’t question just do.

Its not been easy. Its actually really very hard to go with what your gut is telling you and not what you have been spoon fed. To constantly question yourself and wonder if you are doing the right thing.

I did find community and caring and help in the Unitarian Universalist church. From the moment I stepped through those doors, there was no judgement. There was discussion, There was we are glad you are here. How can we help you? When I talked about my feelings and how I felt about things there was understanding. I could say without fear of being reprimanded or judged that sometimes I do have psychic thoughts. That when I act on them good things happen. When I ignore them typically something bad happens. I could be myself. I could ask questions and explore without derision or judgement.  The pursuit of truth is important to the Unitarian universalists and that matched what I felt.

I truly don’t know how I do it each day. There are times when I wake and its time to get up. I wonder when it will end. When I will have peace. Then I get up and I just do it. Weather I want to or not. I just do. I look for little moments that I can cherish  The sunlight hitting the confederate jasmine. The smell of orange blossoms and jasmine in the humid air. Feelings of contentment come more and more now.  Not because I am actively pursuing contentment but because I am content with where I am knowing its not where I want to stay.

I don’t know how I would classify myself outside of a Unitarian Universalist. I did a poll at Beliefnet.com. http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/BeliefOMatic.aspx I don’t get anything for this plug but it helped me stop and really think of how to classify myself. For some reason I needed that label. I needed to know where I fell into it. Because I didn’t fully fit in Wicca, nor Pagan, nor Buddah but more of a mix of all of them plus some little off shoots that I really didn’t know where they fit in.  It told me I was 100 percent Unitarian Universalist but not surprising I had strong beliefs in Theravada Buddism, Neo Pagan, Reformed Judiasm, Scientology and Christian Scientist. It helped me feel more grounded.

What I do know is that I am more content with where I am and who I am than I have ever been.

There is something about chronic pain/illness that makes you look really hard at yourself and how you believe. I have been involved in many support groups and have seen it over and over.  Its a process we all go through. I think it often makes us a better person. I know it has me.

It doesn’t really answer how I do what I do with the conditions I have. It is not this big ah ha moment. It was more like a whole bunch of those strung out over about three years. It influences everything. Right down to the pills I choose to take for my conditions.

I am not saying everyone is going to end up at the same place as I am. I am not saying you are wrong if you don’t end up where I am. What matters the most is that look deep down inside yourself. That you are in agreement with not only your beliefs but what they say about how you are living and your health.

I am also not a dick about what I believe or how I came to believe it. If it brings you happiness and peace. Then I am super and genuinely happy for you.

It doesn’t mean I am not still judged…Like I said I am very involved with several support groups….religion and beliefs comes up. I try to keep my beliefs out of it but there is just something about connecting with a fellow sufferer who thinks and believes in similar ways. It helps. If you don’t feel you fit into one group, keep trying. They are not one size fits all.

Keep looking.

Don’t give up!

Remember that courage isn’t always loud.

Sometimes its just the fact that you keep trying.