Monthly Archives: October 2015

Finding my ten

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Ten Things of Thankful

I didn’t participate last week, not for a lack of being thankful, but more for a lack of genuine gratitude.  It is easy to come on here and list a house, car, food, and whatnot. If the feeling is not there though it is very lackluster and that is just not me.  Sometimes when depression is it’s worst, it makes those simple things seem unimportant. I know they are not, the feeling is just not there, though. On top of that I pushed and pushed and pushed myself and I crashed. I wrote about it on Monday. When pushing past your physical abilities, you expect some pain. I just forgot how many simple tasks can take out of my already irritated muscles. It has taken me almost a week to recover from pushing so much.  It isn’t just recovering from the physical exertion. Once you start to recover, there is more fatigue and more cognitive issues that flare as well. Even just typing that part is frustrating to me.

Anyway. Can I find ten things? Well I know I can but ten things that have true genuine gratitude behind them?

1.School project got done and turned in.Completed Halloween Costume

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These two things almost drove me crazy. Neither came out the way they were in my head. The R2D2 was closer. The crayon box seemed so simple but was so frustrating. I was glad both got done on time.

2.Fill in Nanny work.

I had a really long day but I got paid and every little bit helps.

3.Cook food prep day

If you follow me on Instagram you know I had a long day cooking and prepping meals on Tuesday but it was worth it and it helped a friend who is currently in a wheelchair so it was a double bonus for me.

4.Banyan trees

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Mondays I have both my friends daughter and mine to entertain for an hour. Mostly we get homework done. This week we wanted outside things, but we had homework to do so we combined it. It wasn’t until I was sitting on a root my feet on a root, the breeze blowing, reading a book, that I realized how much I needed it.

5.Lunch with a friend

I know this gets on here quite frequently. It is true though I think it revitalizes both of us.

6.Morning hikes

Finally. Finally. finally. The weather is a glorious 68 or so in the morning and gorgeous for morning hikes. Taking my daughter and we really have had some enjoyable hikes.

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7. Princess P

Our schedules don’t match nearly as well as they used to so when I do get to see her I try to soak it all up. Lets just never mind she is basically two and a half and growing faster than I can stand it.

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8. Squish

I got some time with Squish and we had a blast. Then the kid just melted and crushed my heart at the same time. She started telling people at her school he is practically her brother. I so wish we could have given her a sibling12112036_1019912851389885_4293075877125919409_n but love how loving she is.

9. Doctors visit

I had a fantastic Doctor’s visit. My kidney and liver levels after four years have returned to normal levels and she feels comfortable testing only once a year now. I have to say I think Ultracur is really the main reason behind this. It has drastically cut to almost eliminated my use of Advil, Motrin or any NSAIDS really. She was really pleased with the overall progress and quite surprised I have done it without the aid of a personal trainer/nutritionalist or prescriptions.

10. Jeans that fit

I went to Goodwill on a jeans shopping trip. I actually tried them on in the store. IN. THE. STORE. I never do that. I hate it. I loathe doing that. However, I was determined to get jeans that fit. That were not too snug or too loose. I got five pairs of jeans and a pair of linen yoga-like pants that I adore. It was really great to see the hard work I have been doing paying off.

So there it is. Ten things. Now tell me what are your ten things that have genuine Gratitude attached to them?

I just want to forget.

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I just want to forget that I have chronic issues. I just want to do yardwork like any normal person. I just want to be able to function during the day AND cook dinner at night. Every once in a while, my Irish gets up. I do it. I push and push and push and push. The weather has been so nice, I wanted to be outside. I wanted to pull the weeds and the vines crawling up the side of the trailer. I found great satisfaction in snipping those grasses down. Immense satisfaction in chopping the elephant ears thick stalks. I started on Tuesday cleaning inside the house. Wednesday I did the yard work.  Friday I was starting to feel it. I didn’t pay any attention to it. Not now arthritis. Not now inflamation. Not now fatigue. I have a child’s halloween costume to finish and a school project we need to work on. Parties! Don’t forget halloween parties. I can’t be held back by you this weekend, chronic illness.

Monday morning was difficult. I am not a morning person. Never have been, never will be. However the kid gets up early. Today I was to sore from sleeping soundly in one spot for more than an hour, so I wasn’t able to get back to sleep. It took me an hour to finailly convince myself to get up enough to take my meds and at least nuke some chai tea. I am just now really able to handle typing. My hands have been spasming and tight since Thursday because of all the yardwork on Wednesday.

I think back, do I regret it? Do I regret letting myself be that stubborn and push on? Do I regret falling into bed an overtired exhasuted mess? Nope. Do I want a week long nap to recover? YOU BET!  Sometimes I need this. Sometimes I need to push myself and see that really I am doing the best I can. I need to crash so that I can get some perspective. Stubborn, pig headed of me I know, But i need it. I need it so I can see just how productive I am on some of my bad days.  Without these kinds of stretches I forget how much of a chore it is to move the washer to the dryer. How much of an accomplishment it is just to make dinner.  I am paying the piper now but I have kept mostly quiet about it. It was worth it. I know it is something I triggered. Chronic pain and illness is constantly an up and down sorta thing. Every once in a while a plateau will lull us into forgetting just how bad it can get.

I appreciate the ones who have checked in with me or pulled me aside. I appreciate it more than words can ever express, because you see me. YOU REALLY SEE ME. The real me. You seeing me is what has helped me tape back up my broken pieces and keep going. I accept that I am broken but that doesn’t mean I have to fall apart. YOU helped me remember that. Even more, you said your piece and let me be, just know the fact that you notice was balm to my soul.

A colorful Ten Things of Thankful

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Sometimes we have to stop and think about the life lessons that are going on in our lives. Blenders smoking. Juicers smoking. nonfunctioning ovens. Almost running out of gas and having the wrong credit card on you. You know little things like that.

This week, man, this week was nothing like what was nice and neatly organized on my calander. Nothing at all but you know what? I love it. How boring would it be if things didn’t ever go wrong. Perhaps they are not so much as going wrong as they are going the way we need them to go. Even if we don’t realize it at the time.

My juicer died a tragic death but it died in the name of love. My friend has been struggling to loose weight and thus I decided I was going to juice her some morning juice to help set her up right for the day. I got those done for the most part before it died. Apparently unbeknownst to me, what I had juiced would make a perfect blend. Plus I had carrot apple juice for the girls before choir practice.

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We tried making Ice cream in the blender with left over pulp. Apparently Blenders get really hot and bent out of shape when they blend for more than five minutes at a time. Who knew. The ice cream came out a bit more like Italian ice with milk. It really isn’t as bad as it sounds. Just don’t think ice cream and it is good.

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I have this new game that apparently I like to play. I say apparently because I never mean to actually play it. It is the adult version of how low can you go. I chanted just let me make it to the gas station all the way there. Went to pay. Declined. WHAT? Oh crap wrong card. Not enough gas to go back and get the right card. The stars aligned and a friend was able to come rescue me and listen to the verbal diarreha I apparently needed to let loose about the meeting I had been in prior to going to get gas.

My daughter came home on a field trip day and told me she helped a friend talk about some difficult  and sad things. I just love her caring heart and when I was talking to this friends mom and she relayed how grateful she was for that talk. I will admit to crying. Crying for the friend and her mother and crying because of how beautiful my daughter is.

I found some amazing finds at a garage sale this friday, one I went back twice to. Okay well actually three times. I stopped but didn’t have cash so I went and got cash. Ran into a friend there who beat me to a few things I wanted but oh well. Then went back with another friend who also likes crystals.

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On a spur of the moment thing we went and caught the sunset and it was one of those times something was out of place and while watching the sunset I felt it click and was like, Oh that is why we came.

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I took some very purposeful me time at the labryinth and was able to sing a favorite song. Meditate with the elements and then sing my favorite song to end. It was everything I needed spiritually. The next day I had a nice meditation time at the house as well.

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Last of all. I am so thankful we live in a city that does Pride fest. That my daughter can see it as a normal celebration and ask any questions she has. I am glad she will have less of the cultural stigma that many adults had to deal with about LGBT.

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Ten Things of thankful gives me a chance to look back over my week and realize we might not have everything we want, but we definitely have a lot to be thankful for. That in the end perhaps we really do have all we need.

The way I see it.

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 When you are a Mother, sleep is often something you dream about getting a lot of.  When you are a Mother and have chronic pain/illness, well sleep is an illusion. A very nice illusion of escape, one that rarely happens for long enough stretches. It’s waking up to pop your joints than realizing you have to pee.  For me it is also laying back down and then realizing you are drowning in post nasal drip again. Back up to get Benadryl. Praying it kicks in quickly. It’s laying their with your eyes closed. Your eyes feel like sandy little bags stuck in a cave that they have been crammed into. Keeping your eyes open seems impossible but closing them makes them start to water. You focus on your breathing, in one-two-three-four-hold-one-two-three out one -two-three-four-five-six-seven, waiting for sleep to over come you but it never does. I can spend hours in that eyes closed yet not asleep state.
That all being said, I have been awake several times to see the sunrise and set in the same day.
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Sunrise has always been the most special to me. Not because I like being awake that early, I don’t. Pre-sunrise is quiet and unassuming. The sky gradually gets lighter and lighter. It seems to stay at that soft in between stage for quite a while. It doesn’t matter that I can’t see the horizon, there is no way to miss once that sun has peaked above the horizon. It shouts I am here. Often with fantastic rays of light that spread across the morning sky. Spreading the softest, gentlest light on to trees and grass and even buildings. You can’t look away once that happens. The sun is in an awful hurry to share its light with everyone. It often brings the colors of the rainbow to the sky with it. First soft pinks and then some light orange, soon clouds darken with the deeper orange and purple glow. Everything looks fresh and new. The grass often covered in dew adding to that feeling of newness.
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Sunset though, seems to cling to the day. The large ball of molten yellowish orange light seems to slowly ever so slowly, sink down. It seems to say I don’t want to go, but I am enjoying today, look at all the light I have shone down on you.  Yet even still it does go down. In my mind when I watch the sunset when it hits that watery horizon I hear it hiss, its final temper tantrum over bedtime. The reflected golden orange glow in the water only increasing that sensation. Til finally, finally it drops quickly below the horizon, as if once deciding to go to do it quickly.
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Perhaps we should all be a bit more like the sun. Perhaps we should all shout ” I am here I am here, look at me shine” each morning. Each evening we cling to the day we had, seeing the good in it. Also though we cling to what we know, what is safe. We know what today held. Night time is an unknown and the day after even more so. Perhaps we should allow ourselves that small little tantrum at the end of the day before quickly plunging into the next change our day brings.

A Ten things of thankful post

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Ten things of thankful has become an integral part of my continued therapy. It does so much to your mental health to stop and think, What am I thankful for? To really stop and think about what is going on. Ten things of thankful is not about closing your eyes to the negative things in your life. It is about taking those negative things and looking for something good about it. Sometimes the only good part to be gleaned is you survived it and that is okay. Sometimes though we can see the greater lesson at work. Sometimes.

This week I had so many wonderful things happen. However, I drove to see Lizzi and Ten things of thankful was on my mind as that is how I first met this dynamic woman. I am so thankful I stumbled upon her and this blog hop.  I am also thankful she loves glitter just as much as I do. I am thankful that I am the only one to think to glitterbomb the glitterbomber!

I am thankful I have a husband who understands my deep down yearnings. He didn’t question why I wanted to travel almost three hours to see a person I had only known on the internet. I am thankful that he came with me.

I am thankful I have a car. It is not the cleanest car or the newest car or even an airconditioned car right now. It is a car though. It is a car I actually really like.

I am thankful that I have a daughter who is musically inclined. I am so amazed at her accomplishments. She is now in a choir and also persuing advanced harp as well.

I am thankful that even with it’s problems we have a place to call home. We have a roof over our head and that is a lot more than some people have.

I am thankful for Florida. Florida is so amazing and so diverse. I got to see hills. It wasn’t mountains by any means but it was not flat. We went on a hike after meeting Lizzi and it was amazing.

I am thankful that I know i need nature. I need to be out in the forrests and pine flatwoods and hammocks. I need them all. I felt the forrest and the forrest felt me yesterday. Things I didn’t even know were unsettled, settled into place.

I am thankful that despite having multiple chronic illness’s, I am not letting any of them win. I am living life on my terms, mostly. I definetely feel the extra stress of driving and hiking in unfamiliar territory but I also feel the great sense of accomplishment that it is.

I am thankful that I know myself well enough to be able to tune out people who say just get a job, any job. That is not me. It never has been. I tried it once and got lucky to get a job I really did like. I tried it a second time and it lasted three months. I will just keep at it, the right one is out there and will come along, most likely at just the right time as well.