Tag Archives: Reading

Strong girls, confident girls and American Girl

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I love perusing the bookshelves at Goodwill. I have found some real treasures there. Sometimes for as little as a quarter. Sometimes for as much as two dollars. Over the past few months I have come across American Girl books. First of all, I had completely forgot there was a book series. Then I discovered they had these guide type books.

Having a ten-year-old girl to raise, I have wondered how to approach subjects. When do I approach them. I am constantly looking online for information on this. I had not really thought to find a book that explained it to HER.  The first one we came across was ” The Care and Keeping of You 2: The Body Book for Older Girls.”  There was nothing in this book I had not told her already. However, she dove into it and really seemed to finally grasp some basic concepts. She was understanding why she needed to change underwear every day. Why she had to use shampoo conditioner and soap when she took a shower. I can’t tell you how many times she asked to take a rinse off shower. Why brushing your teeth last night doesn’t count in the morning.We read some of it together but for the most part it was just in her room for her to read. I know she read it as when I went in to check on how clean her room was, It was always in a different spot.

Now instead of figuring out how to have birds and bees talks and your changing body talks I could focus on other important issues. With school starting back up, I thought I would go check out the book store again. We had visited lots during the summer. She has more chapter books than she knows what to do with.

When I stumbled upon another great book from American Girl. This one is something that some of the other mothers I am friends with and I have discussed a lot lately. “Stand Up for Yourself and Your Friends Dealing with Bullies and Bossiness, and Finding a Better Way. It is hard for me to comprehend that at Ten years old this is what she is dealing with now. She is my baby. Wait how is she walking? Why is she growing so fast? Alas, she is and the best way to deal with it is to pull up my panties and be ready. So I got the book, even though it was not remotely what I was looking for. I walked in to find books for a friend and maybe one for me.

Knowing my daughter is an eager to please type person like myself. Knowing how that affected me when I was her age. I wanted to fill up her bucket as much as possible, to strive for her not having the crippling self-doubt and lack of confidence I had.

Like the first book she started reading it right away. As she read things she liked or made sense to her she would talk to me about it. Normally reading hour is a bunch of me reminding her she is supposed to be reading and a lot of her rolling her eyes. This is why it’s an hour instead of the twenty minutes required. Once she had this book in her hands though it was all she could focus on. Even the next morning I found her walking around looking at it. I mean seriously how do you get upset she is not getting ready when she is reading? I really struggle with that. In the car she continued to read it and all these little squabbles that had come up, some when she was in Kindergarten, that she had never told me about. She had ideas of how to handle it if it happened again. The book encourages to set a personal motto, so that was what she was thinking about as she got out to go to school.

I remember being told to respect my elders. It didn’t matter if that elder was bullying me or being overly bossy. I was a kid. I had no say and if I said anything it was disrespectful. I have tried to encourage her to speak up for herself. To stand up for herself when she needed to. I have tried to teach her that if she sees it happening she should say something. I want her to feel heard but also have respect for those in charge. How in the world do you teach this as a parent who is eager to please and overly anxious to a child who is the same? Being the researcher I am, I looked up the book. Then to my wonderful surprise, I found there was all kinds of curriculum material available all centered around this book and another American Girl book.  Not once anywhere did I see it mention they should behave this way because God wanted it. I was so relieved. This was actually usable stuff to me! She is already eager to please and I want her to stand up for herself for HER. Not for anyone else, not even God.

My eyes have been opened and now this is probably something I am going to research more.  She already wanted to share this book with her friends so I have volunteered to do a Sunday School class on this subject. Perhaps this is something I will try to do more often. Perhaps I need to make this a goal for myself.

It starts with us, the parents and will trickle down from there. My hope is if we all do this, one day the world will be a kinder place.

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Ten Things of Thankful #I lost count

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Everyone assumes that depression is straight up straight down. You are depressed or you are not. It would be fantastic if it was that clear defined.  Depression is a balance it is not just going up stairs. You find yourself looking up and you think you are doing well and you look down to see somewhere along the way you started going down again. It is very confusing and you really have no idea when you went back down. It’s a balancing act of watching where your feet are going and looking up. Sometimes those stairs turn into a tight rope. Sometimes they are large wide spaced far apart stairs. This depression path is a tough one to figure out and it is constantly changing.
 I hate getting up in the early morning but really having no reason to get up multiple days in a row has not been good for me. I am more apt to wallow. It doesn’t feel like wallowing. I can tell myself I am just resting. I have been so busy. There has been so much going on. Let’s watch some netflix. Let’s play a few games. Oh look its dinner time. The whole freaking day is gone and I am not really sure how.
By now you are probably wondering how in the world does this tie into a Ten Things of Thankful post? I promise you it does.
You see I thought I was on my way up and I look down at my feet to see I am descending. Oh. Well how did that happen? So I am thankful that I am able to see clearly I was going down. I am thankful that I was able to turn to some Buddhist readings and find comfort. Suffering just is. It isn’t personal. Once we understand that we can mover foward.
I am thankful for youtube meditations. I have a few I love and it makes my day when they upload new videos. I swear this was just the notification I needed that day to turn myself back around.
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I am thankful that we live in such a gorgeous place that we can escape at the end of the day. A few minutes of family time just strolling the beach was near Nirvanna.
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I am thankful through a lot of hard work my daughter is reading more and more. I am anxious to see where her reading level is after all that we read this Summer.  The library has had a great deal of influence on her and she is excited that she is now old enough to join a book club.
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So There it is a Ten Things of Thankful post and if that isn’t ten things I am sure the pictures make up for any slack.

thanks for the nudge universe

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Saturday I woke up feeling like crap. No, not even crap. I felt worse than crap. I was thankful my daughter was able to feed herself and watch TV. I tried to be gentle with myself. I tried to tell myself I had pushed so many limits and needed the rest. There is this thing, called Mommy Guilt. It was a gorgeous day out. I should be doing something with her. I should not be letting her watch so much TV. It took an hour of me wrestling with Mommy guilt and how I felt physically. It took me that hour to convince myself that taking the kid to a playground was a good idea. It will be outside. The sun will be good for you. Moving a little will make it better. She will get her energy out. But I have to MOVE. I have to drive. I don’t want to drive. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to walk.  Then I got tired of my own whining.The problem with your body feeling like complete crap, your brain is often just fine. My brain is often going a mile a second. Feeling like crap often doesn’t curb that at all. Fine, we are going. I texted a few friends to see if they wanted to meet at the playground. At least then I would not feel bad about not walking. I could sit and socialize. It was also  a way to keep convincing myself to keep moving. No go. Between illness, work, and other activities no one could meet. Fine fine fine fine. My daughter asked if she could bring her soccer ball. Her newest obsession. Sure why not.

 

We got to the park. I made sure we walked first. It took some coaxing. Not just me, but the kid too. I was moving , I just wasn’t exactly happy with it. My body was shrieking louder than anything else.  We walked. Well I walked she kicked the ball around, whined that she wanted to go to the playground. The temp was a really nice sixty four degrees. The winds were easily twenty miles per hour. It was absolutely gorgeous. Okay and yes yes a good fifteen minutes into our walk I was enjoying it. Moving was helping. The beautiful weather and nature was filling me up again. I didn’t even realize I had needed it.  We were not walking to really burn calories. Just to walk.  I did track it on Runkeeper. I think our pace was like 29 minute miles. We walked a total of a mile and a quarter.  We had circled back to the car. I grabbed my water bottle and the book I had brought. I really had just grabbed a book. I tend to have multiple books I am in the middle of.  We wandered over to the playground. She ran off and I settled down at the picnic table to read. I found the book mark I had used. There were words that I had written down. A few months ago.

“But we must not forget that the only person whom we can purify . the only one we can do anything about is ourselves.”

And..

“The same unwholesome mental state may have to be conquered more than once…the formula is recognize no blame change even if that has to be done over and over again.”

The book I was reading : Visible Here and Now: The Buddhist Teachings on the Rewards of Spiritual Practice  by Ayya Khema.

 

There it was. The reminder I needed.  I didn’t even really need to read more.The lesson was right here. I read.I often struggle with feeling I am going backwards. That my mental thought process is returning to old ways. I tend to be a bit harsh on myself. Here was a reminder to leave the blame and just change.  I watched my daughter play letting the words I was reading soak into me.  Really before I knew it and hour had passed. The temperature was falling again.

Did I want to leave my bed earlier that day? Not even remotely.  I did and it was for the best. It empowers me to keep pushing the limits. Keep doing the things I don’t necessarily want to do but need to do.

We had just gotten home. I was back laying in bed. My daughter was reading, or suppose to be. I had posted pictures I snapped while we were walking on Facebook. I was looking at them and holding that peace that flowed when I was walking. A friend messages me that she was jealous of me getting out in nature all the time. Funny because I didn’t want to go out at all.  I get it universe. I get it. The forward and backward dance we tend to do, both physically and mentally, is necessary. It has its purpose. I don’t like it but I get it.  No blame, just step back on the path I want to be on. Step back into the mental thought process I want.

What actually happened week one (May31-June7)

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We can plan only so much. We can do only so much. This is what life with a child is all about. It is also what life with a chronic illness is all about. Combined the two and things don’t always go as planned. This is a peak into our summer break, what is planned and followed by what actually happens.

 

Saturday:

Well of course she was up at six am. I let her watch Tv for an hour and realized at seven am it was pointless to stay in bed. We were out the door for a walk by seven thirty. Flipped her scooter up on the bike rack and we we were off. We started the trail at seven fifty. About every mile on this walk is a bench. We sat just about every time for a good ten minutes. I think this is why I did not swell as much. At the two mile mark I started stretching then sitting then stretching some more at our breaks. We stopped under the roadway bridge to listen to the bats and contemplate why we could hear them but not see them. OH but we could SMELL them. We found flowers. We saw a frog. We saw some poop, also known as scat

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Then we were off to meet my in laws for a belated birthday get together. On the twenty minute drive or so I had the kid read from her chapter book, squeezing it in where we can.We went to Myakka State Park which has both a boat tour and a tram tour. On the boat tour we learned mostly about alligators, the fish that live in the river and some of the bird life. We saw around twenty alligators. We then got on the tram after a short bathroom break. It is funny I have ridden that tram ride many times. It has new perspective for me as an adult as it did as a kid. I was more interested in the pioneers of Florida. It was fascinating the types of jobs that people had, ranging from Spanish moss gathering to Cattle hunters and even alligator hunters. Learned about a tree I never knew about, a water locust, and its big honking thorns. Pioneers used them for a multitude of things after they boiled them in water to get the toxin from them.  It was very interesting. On the way home I also had the kid read some more.

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We were outside from almost eight am to three pm. When we got home I immediately laid down and medicated.  The kid obviously was still at full steam and went out back to play.

 

Sunday:

We had our normal church morning and then after church a quick grocery shopping run. She also had her last harp concert of the season. All done until next school year.

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Monday:

It was the very last day of school. I originally thought to let her skip. She will have to go with me enough during the summer.

We did not go to the beach.. It was grey and over cast and forecast to rain. We did go for a short walk with a friend. Where we ran into …

 

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MANATEES. This was an unexpected surprise and a very pleasant one. Other mundane things happened, dinner and showers and such.

 

Tuesday oh Tuesday. I could not have predicted this and its just one of those things. I had severe fatigue. I had a severe headache. Even my own movement made me nauseous. It was completely a Pj and tv day. I did manage to get my daughter to read for an hour. That was about as productive as I got.

 

Wednesday we were not really sure what we wanted to do. Low and behold a message asking us to watch snickerdoodle. Of course we jumped at it! I made my daughter bring her book and a notebook.  While snickerdoodle napped she did her hour of reading. The writing prompt for Wednesday was to write using very descriptive words , seeing the manatees at the park.  There was lots of outside time. We even got a two mile walk in. I forgot how much harder a walk is when you are pushing a stroller. It is such a delight to see life through the eyes of  an almost two year old. Little things are big things. Excitement over trucks and squirrels and flowers and most importantly BUBBLES!

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Thursday started our first math tutor lesson. I did not stay for it as I wanted to get a walk in. I had realized I had not taken a walk by myself for a while and it is a good time for me to get some me time in. When I picked her up she was raving about the math lesson. Math is not as complicated as I think mommy! We got most of our hour reading session done and then had lunch with a friend.  The rest of the day was spent cleaning the house.

 

Friday came way to fast and after a rough night of very high anxiety dreams and then lack of sleep. I was looking forward to taking her to the library for a movie. I needed the calm comfort of the quiet sounds of the library to surround me. I stopped at the quarter book spot because who can pass up books for a quarter? NOT ME!!!  When my daughter found me. She didn’t want to watch the movie alone. Sigh.  We ran into Publix afterwards for lunchables and headed to the next library. This one has a nice pond in front and we say on a blanket and had lunch before going inside to get our hour of reading in.

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Then my favorite part. I had been looking forward to this part for at least two weeks. A class on archaeology with a real archaeologist!! It promised lots of hands on fun and it did not disappoint.  On the way home she wrote in her journal about what she learned. The coolest thing she liked? A six thousand year old clam shell.

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These pictures suck because most of the day I felt off just a bit and had the shakes. Could not seem to get a clear picture for anything.

 

Saturday. Oh thank god we made it to saturday. Oh but wait we have a nature hike planed. I know its a short trail. I know its gonna be hot. I also know the kid needs to get out of the house and expel some energy. She didn’t get up til six forty five this morning. That is almost like sleeping in for her. I woke up and thought, ” she isn’t awake yet….is she sick? I gave her the right amount of benedryl last night right? She was congested. Okay well if she is not awake by seven I will go check on her because if I check on her now , and she is asleep, she will wake up. Seven seems much saner to be up than six thirty.” but I didn’t go back to sleep. Just when I thought I couldn’t stand it any longer… She wakes up and comes to our room. Sigh okay.

Next task: Medicate and caffeinate. (spell check you are wrong Caffeinate is too a word.)

Then scroll the internet while waiting for it to kick in. Hoping it kicks in because man, the ache is bad today. The pain is already high.

I had grabbed some snack packs at Publix last night for today’s lunch so it will be hummus and carrots plus cheese and celery ,apples and grapes. Since we will be outside it is water to drink.

 

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I can honestly say it was completely worth it. We learned about Dragonflies, and Damsel flies. The difference between the two. We saw the shells from dragonflies at the larval stage.  We learned that dragonflies are deaf.  It was hot. It was sweaty. There was actually less walking than I had thought there would be so that was an added plus for me today.

We came home and the kid is now doing her writing prompt for the day, What did you learn on today’s walk. She has math home work from her math tutor and she will finish her book today and complete the assignment in the back about persuasive writing. I feel we are balancing the educational with the fun fairly well so far.

 

While it was exhausting it was also a great start to the summer break. It didn’t all go as planned, nothing ever does.

If you read to the end of this….THANKS YOU ROCK!!!

 

 

 

 

Summer break week one(June 1 to 7th) -preview

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So this is technically the first week of summer break. June first through June seventh. I will post on June eighth what actually happened. If you follow me already , you know there will be lots of pictures. This may seem like a trivial thing but when you have chronic illnesses that deter you from functioning , a plan goes a long way. This is just what is PLANNED. We all know how arthritis and Fibro like to mess with plans. I will report back on how they interfered as well. I hope this can and does inspire other mothers , fathers, care takers who have chronic illness to enjoy the summer without feeling guilty and without too many flares. There will be plenty of time for the kid to have free time.  She does however thrive better if she has some structure. She has been doing well on her reading and I plan on challenging her to read an hour at least three times a week if not more. She is currently reading thirty minutes so this will be an increase.  We are also planning on reading at different places. I am hoping this will help her filter a little better and increase her focus.

This first week starts off slow. Monday is a half day of school. Technically they have school but they are watching movies and playing all day. There are also not a lot of kids planning on going. Since I have to clean in the morning she is going for the morning.

Monday: Drop kid off at school at eight thirty. Go to cleaning job. Go to Farmers market.Pick up kid after lunch. Come home. read outside with the dogs for an hour.

Tuesday : Sleep in. Read for an hour. Clean the house day. including the kid’s room

Wednesday: Take kid on four mile walk round trip. Take her scooter so she doesn’t complain too much. let her cool off in the lake. pack a snack. come home. Read for an hour.

Thursday: Nine am Math tutoring lesson.  Pack up and go to the beach. Set alarm for every seventy minutes to reapply sunscreen.Read for an hour at the beach.  Picnic lunch at the beach. Come home. Hopefully not too sunburned.

Friday we have a movie at the library. They are watching Planes. Then we will probably have a picnic lunch. We will then drive about twenty minutes south and arrive at another library for a two pm Archaeology class. This is the description of the class:

Description:
 Look under a microscope with USF Archaeologist Rebecca and discover artifacts from the past you never knew existed. See how these scientists solve historical mysteries. Ages 6-13.
Saturday: Dragonfly nature walk….a guided walk in a park we visit often.
I can’t wait to see if it lives up to the description! I am also hoping to be able to sit in. I adore this kind of science!
Well that is the first week. We will see what all gets done!

Tuesday Ten- summer bucket list

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The Golden Spoons

This year’s Summer bucket list.

1. Beach: Let me expand on that since we live in Florida. My goal is to get to the beach at least once a week. It is a lot more labor intensive then people think. Especially when going with kids. Sunscreen, Water, Snacks. Blanket. Book, Towels, Buckets and Shovels, Ziplock bags(for shells and other “treasures”)  Then the clean up and the miles of sand that ends up everywhere. But I am determined. Plus its free.

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2. Hiking: I want to also hit a nature trail at least once a week. I have some planned that are a bit of a drive but also I just want to keep up with my walking and also keep my daughter interested in fitness.

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3. visit from friends: I have a friend who is planning a visit. It only happens once a year. I am looking forward to all of it.  Seeing her, seeing my town through her eyes.

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(doesn’t she take the best pictures?)

4. Science: We have buckets of science planned. From library classes to dissections to aquariums and museums. The best part is the library classes are free and they run from squids, to germs, to invertebrate animals, even an archaeology class.

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5. Art class: This is a fun one. My daughter gets to do a pottery class. I get four hours twice a week kid free. I kinda want to do some of the pottery stuff with her but its her deal. Maybe we will get modeling clay so we can practice huh.

6. Reading: Oh the reading. We have been stacking up books for the last month. We may have gotten a bit carried away but we are okay with that. READ ALL THE BOOKS!

7. Disney camping trip: We are camping at Fort Wilderness. We are going to Epcot. We have planned it so that we get there one day, we go to Epcot another, we have another to relax and then head home.

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8 Learn to knit: This is a class I am hoping to sneak in on. We have been practicing sowing and she wants to do more and more things.  So maybe we can learn this one together.

9. Sleep in . Most of the classes and things scheduled don’t start until at least nine. So I don’t have to get out of bed before eight am! I am so so so looking forward to doing that and can’t wait to see the end tally of how many days I actually accomplished it!

10. Surprises: It may be an odd thing to have on a bucket list. I want surprises. It would not be as fun if everything we planned went exactly as planned. It is often the things that happen by surprise that make things better.

I will have to do a post at the end of the summer to see how many of these actually happen!

The task I dread the most

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Venturing into my daughters room to sort through her toys and books.

You know the nitty gritty every nook and crany search.  Every drawer, every basket, every container thoroughly searched and cleaned.

So this is what I walked into…….

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It took me two hours…Everything is back to nicely organized containers…I did do away with a whole storage area that she wasn’t using properly. We have a church give away coming up that I will save that and the books to donate to. I gutted her book shelve and anything below a first grade reading level that wasn’t a keep sake book went in the bag. The books we are not keeping filled a trash bag.

There was a lot of…what the hell? No…no I don’t want to know.

Of course I had the TV on Criminal Minds and even one episode of CSI Miami ….I need company you know.

This is what it looks like now…

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And to think I do this almost every six months. It is not that she doesn’t clean her room. She does. As good as any eight year old can. I try not to tell her exactly how to clean it. Then I go in and do a through job and take out stuff that she is too old for now and what not. Plus it is typically to get ready for new toys before some holiday or another. So I took some OTC pain meds and two hours later they are no longer effective but her room is spotless. Every little corner.

So now its done….six more months til I have to go through that again. pheew!

Serenity Sunday 11/24/2013

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So….Serenity. You have been very elusive to me this week.

Princess P always always brings me serenity.

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and being able to watch her breastfeed is truly one of the most peaceful things about this past week.

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Then there is the kid… The one the only the kid.

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Serenity really seemed hard to find. I felt like I had hardly taken any pictures and for me it was less than normal but when I looked back through them. Serenity was there. I just didn’t notice.

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From playgrounds at sunset to friends to chat with to the cats I adore…it was there.

 

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Sometimes Serenity is just admitting you are grumpy.

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It took walking home from church today for it to hit me. Not once this week did I take a walk just by myself. Not once did I make sure I was taking care of myself. Not once did I make sure I was centered.

So not surprising that I flared Friday Saturday and part of Sunday.

When I stopped to look I found the reason.

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Next week I will do better. Even if I have to schedule it in.

I got a box!

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Nevermind the fact that I asked for the box to be sent to me.

I GOT A BOX! It was like Christmas came early!

I tore into it not unlike a kid at Christmas time.

And then the Mamalode exploded on my bed.

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I had to spend some time pouring through them. Laundry and dishes obviously had to wait. This was way more important.

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Not only was I excited by the back copies but I also was touched by the card and that inside it was handwritten. It is rare anymore that anyone anywhere sends things handwritten unless they are among friends.

As Mothers we are pulled in so many different directions all at the same time. This is a perfect magazine to have in the car to flip through while sitting in carline. There are quick little reads as well as longer articles. One thing that really caught my attention was the last page, a poem by a child typically a preteen or teenager. I love seeing things from their perspective.

So I took some to the baby rhyme and sign at the library and it was a pretty big hit. Some of the kids were actually a little more interested in the bright and colorful candy on the front…ooops.

Princes P says it tastes just fine.

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So I read some as I was waiting for the girls to get out of school. I kind of just flipped through but got stuck on one about pregnancy loss. It touched me deeply and it took all I could do to not cry in the car. There is a little section in the front called “Because I said so.” very easy to read a submission here in under a minute. Truthfully a friend of mine keeps her Mamalode and other Mommy magazines in the bathroom. You know sometimes that is the only few minutes we mothers get to ourselves.

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The girls were pretty enthralled with the back copies. There were a lot of discussions about pictures and it turned out some of them were advertising pictures. Something that as a Mommy I passed right over.  There was some discussion about what a trailhead was….which quickly digressed into what happened at school today.

However they were drawn back after our trip to the library, yes my second trip today, for reading with the dogs. I looked back at the stop light to see this in the back seat.

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I am pretty sure however from the amount of giggling that they were whispering amongst themselves and using Mamalode to “hide” from me.

On the Facebook page for this blog I call our followers Stalkers. Stalkers in a good way. We support each other and laugh together. This is exactly what Mamalode does as well. So go be a good stalker and follow them everywhere. I do and its nice to see things pop up in newsfeeds and whatnot amongst all the other things that are in my newsfeed. This is one that feeds me. So that I can keep feeding others.

So get stalking already!

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When Mania strikes

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I used to shop……..it was on sale. the kid needs more clothes I need the next size up I need this. I NEED. You could not tell me it was being foolish or ruled by impulse. I have no credit cards now because I have no restraint with them whatsoever. If I feel I need something even if its more like a want, CHARGE IT. I wasn’t always aware of why I needed to shop or why I was doing it even knowing I didn’t really have the money to do it.  It took time in therapy before I realized it.

So with my therapist I tried to focus some of my mania. I am not bipolar. I don’t get caught in the grip like someone with bipolar does. I have Attention Deficit Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with a mix of Anxiety and depression. I still have to balance what is a healthy amount to do all of these. Sometimes I get so focused on them.

I write lists…….I write detailed and long lists that detail each thing I need to do each day. I write out days worth of lists at one sitting sometimes. Its my way of regaining some control. I don’t do good with long term lists. I need to check off each thing. Waiting weeks or months to check it off. Drives. Me. NUTS. I have notebooks that I use and I throw them away when I am done. This is an on and off again thing. I start and stop and a lot of it depends on how out of control I feel, or my life feels.

I clean. I don’t think, I clean. Wash the dishes. Clear the counters, wipe down the counters. Wipe down the appliances. Is that dirt on that wall? Better spray it down. Sweep the floors. Vacuum the floors. Mop the floors. Move the laundry along. Scrub the tub. Sometimes, rarely but sometimes, I even go systematically through each room. Most of the time it’s clear the counters, take something to put it away. Straighten the bathroom counter, move laundry along, go back to the kitchen counter. Do the dishes. I use enough spray cleaner that there is no doubt in anyone’s minds that I cleaned. My hands are dry and wrinkly and probably slightly chemical burned. I don’t pay attention to any of that. I attack the dirt.

I write…. I can’t tell you how many posts I never publish. I type it all out or talk to text it all out. Then erase it. Sometimes it stays in my draft folder for weeks or months, but mostly I delete it. I just needed to get it out. I wouldn’t want to hurt others with thoughts I have so it’s not published. Sometimes I just need to see how I am feeling in black and white. Okay and most of the time with little judgey red squiggly lines that I spelled it wrong, too.

I disregard what I should not eat and eat whatever I want. Normally candy, chocolate pastries. It’s a bit different than when I am pms-ing because I am not always aware I am eating too much until I have a stomach ache. There is something that takes over and whatever it is . It’s all I want. Every day at lunch. Every night after dinner. Whatever it is. This actually I have gotten better at controlling myself over. Mainly from weight gain and how I don’t like what I see anymore. Sometimes that is all it takes. Sometimes it takes more control for this exact reason too.

I go for walks . Long walks by myself. I don’t really think out what is bothering me. Instead I focus on nature. I absorb the peace that nature offers. I walk until I start to think again. Until I start wondering what time it is. How far have I walked? What I am going to eat for lunch. I sit when I need to. I walk. sometimes I stand still. I don’t pay attention to the pain. I don’t give it attention. When I have my camera in my hand nothing else matters. The wonder of nature takes a hold of me too. When I get back to my car its like coming out of a fog but something has settled in my mind and I feel renewed. The angst I am the more I walk. The more the NEED to walk drives my thoughts. I have even been driving somewhere saw a park. Felt the need.  Sent a text…Going to be late and walked til I was satisfied.

I used to be able to do the same thing with reading. To the point that my husband would tell me I loved my books more than him. I would spend days in bed reading if I didn’t have to work. When I was working I wanted to be reading. I can still do this but most of the time I am entirely too tired to do this. I read and fall asleep. I have always had this routine so add Chronic Fatigue from the chronic pain. I fall asleep way to easily reading.