Monthly Archives: October 2013

Books have my soul

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Yes you read that right. Books have my soul and truthfully I am not to worried about it.

Books bring me great joy. Even ones that aren’t in my typical genre of reading.

When I get to order books online when the box comes its like Christmas!

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Books have always been my best stress relieving tool. My best friends. The tears I have cried over fictional characters……..Then there are the ones I can read over and over and its like when Norm walks into Cheers. Comfort and familiarity can do a lot to sooth frazzled nerves.

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Typically this is how I watch the kid play.  I need my brain engaged constantly and books can do that for me. While slipping in and out of reality with a book my brain is engaged in so many ways.  Playground stops or time outside is typcially time that I want the kid to be burning energy. Eight year olds have so much of it, although they don’t share it very well.

Now that she is getting into reading chapter books.  Books give me even more joy.

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My heart skips a beat in joy when I look back and see this. The days I spent with my nose buried in a book.

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Lately some of our favorite times have been both of us in the bed , reading our own books. It is just so very soothing.

I am also very blessed that some of my friends are able to kindle the love of books in my child as well……

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Books are my best distraction for me. They have so much to teach us if we have an open mind.

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Sometimes I have trouble not finishing a book, even if it isn’t holding my interest because I believe every book has something to teach us. Sometimes its just that we are on the right track just a bit off. Sometimes its that we are right on target. There is not one subject that I can think of that I would not read about.  I love being in the library and book stores. There is a smell a feel almost a taste to book stores and library’s. No two have ever felt exactly the same to me.

I can’t wait to keep unwrapping the world of books to my daughter.

The hilarity of feast days

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We talk about it a lot. Mattie and I have feast days, normally once a week, we get together for lunch.

There are few things that can instantly make my day. Getting a text, shall we feast today?

The first thing you need to know is, you must ride in Mattie’s car to get to feast day. It is just not the same if you don’t.

Ridding in Mattie’s car is a lot like this…….

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can also be like this……

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But mostly its the first one. Which just has me in peals of laughter. I am the only driver in my family.  I don’t get much time in the passenger seat. I think this stuff, but I have an eight year old and I tend to watch my mouth after she has repeated some things at school. This also leads Mattie to be laughing as well. We are typically in a better mood by the time we get to Panera Bread. 

See we did start out feast day with going to different places. Then it was like:

“OH MY GOD I HAVE TO THINK!”

We both like Panera Bread and for the most part it likes us. As two people with IBS that is a big consideration.

So now the hardest decision of Feast day is whether we are having a pastry or not.

Since we both run the Chronically Sick Manic Mother FB page and we text at least daily, what in the world could we ever talk about?

It might be easier if we said what we don’t talk about…….no…wait…there really isn’t anything we don’t talk about.

We typically don’t talk about serious stuff…Or if we do we totally make fun of it and poke it with a stick.

We are freaking hilarious at feast day. One day we really will walk into Panera Bread in viking hats with vanilla beans stuck up our nose. Viking hats for feasting and vanilla beans because we heard they decrease your appetite and we want to loose weight.

We talk about the things we used to do when we first met…..in middle school.

Today we scrolled through 55 things that 90’s teens remember……however both our parents were very old school so we also remember things from the 80’s too. Girl talk, Doc Martin’s, Brad Pitt’s sexiness, Wet n’ wild, beeper codes, the AIM away message, Popples, My Little Ponies and Cabbage Patch dolls. When DVD’s came out. We also discussed how we need to include Grace in a feast day when she is down from PA in November…my sides hurt already from how much laughing will go on then.  I was talking about things Grace and I did when we worked together. The weather on the escalator, we are not machines. The random texts that we still send each other. Grace’s phantom limb pain from Vietnam which happened before she was born.

There is also much discussion on this subject as well.

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While she is much more fully devoted to this Doctor

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While I am much more attached to this Doctor

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Either way there is a lot of FEELS going on.

There may be spitting of drinks or choking on food involved because we are laughing so hard. Maybe.

We talk about our kids and the assholey things they do to us. We talk about our husbands. We talk about our cycles. We talk about SSRI’s and anxiety and how much it all SUCKS.

Somehow we get this all done in an hour….or there abouts….its pretty close…then its time to get back in the car.

If you thought that would calm down the road rage……you would be wrong.

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Then we have to go back to reality. We now have full bellies and now our brains have been slightly refreshed.

Because this…….

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Waves hands wildly!

***********************************DISCLAIMER…..I tried to make sure credit was given on photos. NONE of these photos are mine.

They were all found through Google images. ***********************************************************

In the middle of my nest

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Order has been restored at our house.

The Internet connection has been fixed.

(I feel like that sentence should be accompanied by singing angels and bright light.)

So I am once again ruling the house from my bed. My laptop within reach. The TV on some kind of Law and order show. The room is deliciously dark and is a comfy seventy degrees.

This is my nest, from four pm to bedtime. This is my sanctuary. It was disrupted and I didn’t realize how much it had bothered me.

I had not realized it until I was back in it and I immediately thought. ” Ahhhh, relief”

It is funny what we start to take for granted.

Its not that my bed was not here, it was. It was not that I didn’t have books to dive into. I did and did read a lot.

After being out and about after getting the kid up and ready and to school. Then I played with Snickerdoodle. Pick up the kid and then go with Princess P and her mom to feed the goats. Sounds like so much but there was lots of time for rest during the day. Not every day is this busy.

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No sooner had I written this out,was in fact sending the above picture from my phone to my email……a loud bang sounded off. Followed by flicker flicker and no power.
So much for a return to normal. Here I am on WordPress android app, reading my book when I need a break….waiting for pizza to be delivered. We called the power company who confirmed a transformer blew…..in the book I am reading their sci-fi world is not interrupted by transformers blowing. So they have invasive aliens……Meh…it could work.. the power company asked if we lived in a gated community requiring a code…yes its called hell.
I really do know this is first world problems and in the grand scheme of this is minor. When so much of your life is disrupted by a chronic illness that never gives you reliable always the same symptoms you tend to take the small normal everyday things like internet and power very seriously.
Although if this keeps up I will run out of books to read quicker than originally planned. Send books.

Two new tests in Three days.

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Friday am in the ridiculously early morning hours of Friday.  Comcast took my internet connection hostage. They were having “technical difficulties” and it should be resolved by four pm. How handy to have an exact time. Only, it wasn’t. It is now Sunday and we still have no internet at home.  Really its a first world problem and I do know that.  However I didn’t realize how much we used the internet. I mean I did but at the same time I didn’t. Its just always there.  My daughters homework is online. My blog is online. Our banking information is online. I am involved in a Committee at our Unitarian Universalist church and we correspond by email quite a lot. Our phones have internet capabilities. They are smart phones. However we have a smaller data plan because we typically have WIFI most places we go.

WordPress android app and I have had some time bonding. I have even used the voice to text for some of my blog posts on Friday and Saturday. Call me old fashion though, I like typing. Oh my finger joints and hand joints and wrist joints yell. If I do too much so do my elbow and shoulder joints too. I really think I get some of my juice from just the sound of typing going on. It’s a sweet melody to play in the background amongst my thoughts.

We have done a lot more reading, a lot more cleaning and even a bit more tv watching. It has been interesting to say the least. I am done with this lesson. I understand how much I depend on the internet. Comcast you can release our signal now.

I may have mentioned I have some social anxiety. Mostly I am quiet until I feel comfortable then I feel I can talk. There is a magic time that its just right. So presenting a forum on Facebook in front of the church congregation. Actual public speaking. Actual question and answer. OMG what did I get myself into and why in the world did I think I could do this? This morning I took an ativan and got there early hoping to have some time to play with the laptop and projector a bit. (early shows I am prepared right? NOT) That did not happen. They didn’t even know I needed it. ( I could still run out the back door right?) Quickly it was set up. No time to review account settings privacy settings or security settings before people started arriving. FUN. LETS WING THIS. It took a few minutes but finally my voice did not sound like I was on the verge of crying. Much. I wasn’t visibly shaking that I could tell but I could feel it. Half way through and a few bumbles and I realized I wasn’t sweating just from being up front. I was also sweating from the heat generated by the projector and laptop.

Finally we reached the end, quite literally we ran out of time. (Oh darn)
I stood the whole time , walked around a bit. My back was not very happy with me afterwards. I certainly did not feel up to standing to sing in the service. I probably got up three or four times during the service to refill my water cup because SWEATING STILL.

 I did feel invigorated by the experience. I conquered it. I did it. I did not run screaming out the back door. I did not pass out, I did not loose my voice. It helped that the subject was something I was extremely knowledgeable about. So after the church service today the coordinator asked if I would do this again in more of a question and answer style in say three months. What can I say? (I know I had the deer in the headlights look) SURE. (what am I freaking crazy. Don’t answer that) For the most part I will ignore and be in denial about it until the day before, who knows maybe even the day of!

Two things I did not think I would handle very well. I have had feedback that I have handled them both very well. I am however thankful for friends who know exactly what I need the minute I walk in their door!

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When is pretending not okay?

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Driving to a Halloween party today we picked up one of the other party goers. The girls started a conversation about a “pretend teacher” who had many things happen to her…she pooped in her pants and everyone gathered around and pulled her pants down and laughed. At one point she sat on a porcupine and had to go to the hospital.
      I broke this up and explained even if they weren’t the ones doing the bullying….even pretend bullying it was not okay to laugh and we really shouldn’t be talking about it.
    I know many times as long as they say its pretend its okay but….is it really? Is it really different? I definitely decided today for my kid and I it really is not okay.  Not even for pretend….. not even to talk about and most certainly not to laugh at.

Words they make a difference.

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People ask me how I do everything that I do.

I have given this a lot of thought. My immediate answer is I don’t know I just do.

I push it aside.  These are true. I am not saying that’s not what I do.

However when I start out saying I don’t want to do something. I have a much harder time actually doing it. I said I wanted to avoid being at the house for a day which stretched into two days. To be truthful I still don’t want to do housework today either. Instead of allowing myself to talk negatively to myself. I say. I will do the bathroom then I will rest.  I will replacing I don’t sounds small. But Words can give us power to conquer or power to destroy. When it comes to self talk we can’t afford to be negative and destroy ourselves. 

 

It takes some repeating…….but positive thinking can help……so can swearing it out once out of little ears presences!
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Making business sense may loose you mom business

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The kid’s school requires she wear shorts under her skirts. I refuse to buy skirts that don’t have the built in shorts. Its just not practical for us.

There was a time not so long ago that it was not even an issue. Most of the places we shopped had shorts built in.

Reccently I was shopping with a friend and we had gone to three department stores and there was a fairly good mix of skirts with built in shorts that I was looking for. She was able to find dresses with the built in onzie snaps. Perfect.

We still had time left over so we figured we would mall walk and peruse some children stores.

This is where I got really pissed off.  The first one…there were some not a lot. Truthfully they didn’t have a lot of skirts.  The second one though. The lady at Children’s Place asked me if she could help. They had a great selection of skirts. Ones that did not have shorts attached. I said yes do you have any skirts with built in shorts. Not in that size she said we have cartwheel shorts that go under. Let me get this straight, I have to buy a twenty dollar skirt and an additional seven fifty for a skirt. With how fast kids go through clothes…there is no way I can afford that.  Its a shame because i have liked this store for clothes for a long time. I have been a repeat customer so to speak. Typically i do buy the sale stuff but some of those skirts i would have splurged on because they are such a perfect fit to the kid’s personality. i can’t even say they had all built in shorts with the younger kids for snickerdoodle. Those were hit or miss. Business people …….listen up. repeat mother customers that love your product will also spread you word of mouth. You really won’t loose that much by giving us the kind of clothes that are not only practical but cute as well.

Especially with where the economy has been the last couple of years. I have to lean towards the practical. I can’t buy skirts for play and skirts for school. It HAS to do both now.  Snickerdoodle is thirteen months old and she needs dresses that still have the onzie underneath, skirts with shorts. Its just practical stuff.

It really pisses me off that places that I loved to get clothes from who had a good quality product. I was willing to pay a little extra for that quality. It is not practical for me to buy the cartwheel shorts for the skirts. It is not even practical to not buy as many shorts as skirts because I will not be washing clothes every other day.  Its not something that is just for one age. This spans all ages even up to  7/8 sizes. I might consider stopping  it when we step up to 10/12’s but that is probably not going to happen with the school rules.

Is it too much to ask that we get quality product but yet also be practical? Is it too much to ask that companies also check with the general school rules? I am not saying every school but in general. it seems pretty universal to me that schools require shorts under skirts. I am not just saying this about The Children’s Place I mean this for every store that sells kids clothes. Give us cute and practical.  You may be trying to market to the kids tastes but its the mommies and daddies money that buys your product.

Step into my body for the day.

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I have a new primary care doctor visit coming up.

I really dragged my feet on making this appointment.

Then I made it and I was feeling really proud of myself.

Until I realized I would have to review ALL off my symptoms with him.

ALL OF THEM.

This means I need to start paying attention again and write them down. I stopped doing that, writing them down, Because I found once I acknowledged them , rated them , they got more persistent in wanting attention. I can push past and function if I don’t really think about them.

Its not that I don’t pay attention to them. Its more like…yeah yeah I know and shove it aside. Yeah yeah I know and shove it aside. Getting things done and functioning is more important to me.

So I need a list okay. I can do a list. This is my list in progress. Its not all done.

1. Dull ache in most of my large joints and often my smaller joints as well.

     A. also sometimes my joints feel like a vice grip is on them and it is slowly being

          tightened.

     B. Sometimes popping the joint helps, often it feels really good for about ten seconds. then the ache is back. Occasionally it makes the pain dramatically worse.

2. Muscles- various degrees of feelings of weakness, often shaking and spasms. easily get a pulled muscle feeling often doing very mundane things.

3. That 18 point test for fibromyalgia……touch them and die.

4. Nervous system- often pins and needles feeling down arms. across left side of face. sciatica , Often starts with shooting pains.

5. Raynauds- cold toes. turns colors. hands less frequently

6. sleep

7. IBS

8. ADD OCD Depression

9. Degenerative disc disease

10. allergic Asthma

So that is just the start, that’s not comprehensive and there is more explanations to write out.They also want me to bring a list of all my medications. I will also be adding in my supplements.

It makes my head hurt just to see all this written down. It needs to be done and I am doing it , but its made me a bit extra whiney. I hate seeing it all written out and I haven’t even finished all the explaining.  It makes me feel stabby when I see it written down.

However sometimes we need to look at our symptoms and make sure they are just our regular symptoms that we are not ignoring something that is important. I have been bad about not keeping up with the doctor appointments for just check ups and standard bloodwork. I am working on fixing that now. Sometimes we need to take a breather from the constant doctor appointments and bloodwork. The trick is not letting it last too long.   I feel good about the medications I am on now. Perhaps a stornger muscles relaxer but at the same time that maybe something that is just a want and not really a need. In some ways I am looking forward to sitting down with a doctor and reviewing everything again. In some ways I am not. I am working on it. One step at a time.

Frustration yet peace

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So…I have been struggling with what to write today….I kept searching and thinking and it hit me in the dentist office.

My horoscope said I would feel overwhelmed….I thought YES! but not with anything in my life really, well not much and its a lot less than I normally am So I start to think…it’s not really a feeling of being  overwhelmed….I am more frustrated. Yeah frustrated describes it pretty good.

I have friends that are going through …well drama…but not like an attention seeking drama but just life drama….and its not really anything I can help with for the most part but just be there and let them sort it out. And its hard…the mommy part and the the friend part of me just wants to wrap them up and make it all better….protect them and yell at the people causing the drama in their lives….tell them to quit it.  It’s not even the same kind of drama from one friend to another.  One is relationship issues, one is family relationship issues one is crippling anxiety and one who has been sick for over a week and is just tired of it and the need to ask for help. i think the friend with anxiety hurts the most because I KNOW that struggle. I know that struggle is one that has to be done alone but yet with support.

My heart hurts for them. I want to go in and make it right. Not really because it would make things go back to the way they were but because they are hurting, They are struggling.

Most of them have kids that i consider like my own kids. There is no difference. I would fight for any of these kids just as strongly as I would fight for my kid.  I have one biological child but I have nine really. Aw crap no I have eleven. See I can’t even count them.

Then I really start to think about it and I have been able to be there for them because in the first place I was taking care of myself. I have been really good at this self care thing the past two weeks or so. I have the energy and the emotional strength to be there for them. I remember a time that , I would not have been able to do what I have the past two weeks. That the problems of others would send me into extreme panic attacks. I would completely shut down. I couldn’t be there for anyone let alone for myself.

So even while I am frustrated by all of this, I need to remember how important this self care business is. Because this is the kind of person I want to be. The person who can and will drop everything and run to your side. Who has their shit together enough to be a rock for you when you need it. Who has friends that would do the same for her. So next time I want to shrug off self care…..I need to remember this. I need to focus on this.

A.D.D. not such a curse actually

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Today at church we heard from a Buddhist monk. I was avidly listening and was surprised at how much what he described ,described how I viewed the world.

I have been diagnosed with A.D.D since I was five. Sure it made learning harder. It made homework take hours longer than necessary. I however  have never seen it as a curses. I know others do. Oh sure I can see what they are saying. The way you want things and the way you actually get it accomplished tend to be two different things. Things take longer because you keep getting distracted by little things. Thinking about doing things and completely forgetting by the time you can actually do them. It goes on and on and on.

I have just always thought, well I am rarely bored. Probably should clarify that, I am not bored for long. A bit more now that I can’t quite keep up with my mind physically anymore. It is also something that mom’s deal with a lot. The distractions. In the middle of doing dishes the kid comes up can you get this for me? Normal people can go get the object and come back to dishes. My A.D.D. mind says “um what were we doing? Oh look the floor needs swept.” A lot of tasks are started and finished often days later. If they are even finished by me.

But being in the moment. Enjoying each moment. Knowing myself in each moment. That I excel at. It was nice to hear that I am on the right path for my spirituality.

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I never really thought that Buddhist principles and beliefs could help me find peace and solace with my A.D.D. To say hey that’s something that I do and am really good at. To also find some of my thoughts about meditation were unrealistic not only because of A.D.D but they also did not hold water with the Buddhist idea of meditation. I notice details I notice the small changes. I get that part. I feel renewed in my desire to meditate more often.  I followed his discussion with our minister probably better than most sermons or presentations. Not only because I was interested but that I could really relate to what he was saying. I was also noticing how cool it was my daughter was getting unbiased information about  Buddhism as a religion. Learning about what it is where it comes from. I also found myself  fascinated that he was not wearing shoes but socks with grips. Then off thinking about how great it feels to not wear shoes. Then cuing back into what they were discussing. Then back to looking over the people listening and the little chuckles and noises they made. The way the wind blew the water from the water fountain out the window. I cue back in to hear that in this moment you are different from when you walked in the door sixty minutes ago.  Things do not stay the same moment to moment. How true, and as someone who has A.D.D I can relate to this because I notice it all the time.

A.D.D is not just a curse. It’s also a blessing and allows for one to enjoy every moment of every day. To notice that things are changing and to be cued into that by the small little changes that happen daily. To still marvel at how fast things change. A.D.D often has my eyes wide open. Maybe the frustrations are worth it if in return this is what I get. I think it is.