Monthly Archives: August 2015

Tales of struggling with Anxiety

Standard

It is just one of those mom things we do,think about what we have to do while we are driving. Sometimes though we get so lost in thinking about it we forget we haven’t actually done it yet.

Today as we were driving from the house we are staying at (while our plumbing is fixed)to school. I almost turned down the street to go to our house instead of taking the kid to school. In my head I had already dropped her off and was thinking about what I was going to clean first at the house. If the water was back on and if it wasn’t maybe I would do some computer work. Luckily my head was clear enough I turned the turning signal on which got the kid’s attention. ” Why are we turning?”  she asked. ” What? Um oh crap. Yeah school first.” I miss the days that she would just let it go at that. Not any more. Now its ten million questions about every thing that happens. ” Why were you going to turn to the house?”  ” Because in my head I had already dropped you off.”  Which then spurs her to tell me about when this kind of thing she does when she is thinking in her head. At some point, thirty seconds into her spiel, I tune her out. I found myself thinking.  oh god I can’t believe I almost did that. Yet again another reminder of how heartbreaking it is when kids get left in hot cars and how easy it is to happen. At which point my anxiety pipes up.  Remember. Remember when she was little during the summer you would sit in your car and stare hard at the car seat to remind yourself you had remembered to drop her off at daycare. OOOOhhh and remember those dreams you had that you had in fact been one of the parents to leave a kid in the car. Remember that. Remember when you woke up drenched in sweat and sure you had killed your kid by leaving her in the car. Oh lets also think about Sandy-hook and how those parents dropped their kids off at what they thought was a safe place. Okay she is never leaving my sight ever. Or if that doesn’t happen someone could break into the school or the hurricane brewing could send off storms that have tornadoes. YES!  A Tornado could hit today. lets think about that!  Because this is exactly what I planned to happen at eight fifteen in the freaking morning. Lets panic about things that happened nine years ago.

I don’t think enough people realize how close anxiety can be to post traumatic stress. How vividly it can make you feel that panic all over again. At the same time your body is starting to panic from remembering that panic attack. It doesn’t matter how many times I take deep breathes and say stay present. Anxiety is irrational is a motto I repeat over and over when anxiety is happening. It does help but anxiety is a bastard like that and it doesn’t prevent it from coming back.

I did manage to calm back down. I took a wedge of my ativan, not a full dose. I focused. I wrote. Then I go to scroll Facebook as a break because I got so much accomplished. The very first thing in my newsfeed is about a school shooting at a University. That Anxiety voice starts up again. Seeeeeee. SEEEEE didn’t I tell you. Go pick her up right now. Go get her. You have to get her to keep her safe. It is storming right now too. Seee I told you a tornado could happen today. The whole process of stepping myself down from panic happens all over again.

Advertisements

And then it was gone……..

Standard

So the Universe is slowly letting up on me. Monday and Tuesday were scary busy and required so much thinking on my feet, then dealing with the first-days-back-to-school-afternoon-meltdowns, I had nothing left. Last night I couldn’t sleep partially because I couldn’t shut my brain up and partially because my body likes to perpetually torment me in this way. I sat down with pen and paper to write it all out. Actual paper with an actual pen. My brain suddenly came to a screeching halt. Don’t think that meant I could get to sleep. NOT. This morning went a little calmer and I came home to get some stuff done. I had a general idea, clean my room maybe, write-maybe, catch up on other computer work- maybe. So I got some of my church computer stuff done and then wandered off to clean my room. My brain starts going a mile a minute again I mean like a find myself staring off into space kind of thinking. So I sit down to write. I have access to the computer. I can just let it flow.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Again my brain goes. Huh? What?

I sit there at the computer staring at the blank page, thinking how is this possible? I can’t even remember what the hell I was just thinking so furiously about.

And there goes thirty minutes of Facebook and I really couldn’t tell you what the heck I just looked at.

It is days like this that my A.D.D is abundantly obvious. It is also days like this that make me stop and think well what has been going on that has me so distracted. You don’t even want to know right now. Remembering that I give myself a break and decide the bedroom can wait. I will write and wander over to Facebook intermittently. I will read and read and read all the things. The quotes, the articles, the funnies, read it all.I will probably do a little more in my bedroom before going to my reading spot. The fifteen minutes of the day I carve to recharge myself before picking up the kid from school. If you thought”oh well see there you are settling down, reading, that is focusing.”  Let me just tell you no. No, it is not. I currently have three different books going. Which one will I read, who knows.

I would like to say something really wise about how this will help me be patient when my daughter has to be told ten times to do something. She too has A.D.D.; but I won’t. Mainly because ……SQUIRREL!

Ten Things of Thankful #I lost count

Standard

”Ten

Everyone assumes that depression is straight up straight down. You are depressed or you are not. It would be fantastic if it was that clear defined.  Depression is a balance it is not just going up stairs. You find yourself looking up and you think you are doing well and you look down to see somewhere along the way you started going down again. It is very confusing and you really have no idea when you went back down. It’s a balancing act of watching where your feet are going and looking up. Sometimes those stairs turn into a tight rope. Sometimes they are large wide spaced far apart stairs. This depression path is a tough one to figure out and it is constantly changing.
 I hate getting up in the early morning but really having no reason to get up multiple days in a row has not been good for me. I am more apt to wallow. It doesn’t feel like wallowing. I can tell myself I am just resting. I have been so busy. There has been so much going on. Let’s watch some netflix. Let’s play a few games. Oh look its dinner time. The whole freaking day is gone and I am not really sure how.
By now you are probably wondering how in the world does this tie into a Ten Things of Thankful post? I promise you it does.
You see I thought I was on my way up and I look down at my feet to see I am descending. Oh. Well how did that happen? So I am thankful that I am able to see clearly I was going down. I am thankful that I was able to turn to some Buddhist readings and find comfort. Suffering just is. It isn’t personal. Once we understand that we can mover foward.
I am thankful for youtube meditations. I have a few I love and it makes my day when they upload new videos. I swear this was just the notification I needed that day to turn myself back around.
unnamed (8)
I am thankful that we live in such a gorgeous place that we can escape at the end of the day. A few minutes of family time just strolling the beach was near Nirvanna.
10410248_985878264793344_2637742183247374385_n 11863442_985880074793163_3157205618912084348_n 11880692_985878341460003_4837897320588447307_n 11899815_985878911459946_3000235231730151307_n 11899957_985878328126671_7584664046685594592_n 11904064_985878848126619_3339830417835376801_n 11947403_985878418126662_8695197533099283140_n
I am thankful through a lot of hard work my daughter is reading more and more. I am anxious to see where her reading level is after all that we read this Summer.  The library has had a great deal of influence on her and she is excited that she is now old enough to join a book club.
11145164_985710698143434_3127222559850411060_n 11889569_985710751476762_1686573197973462822_n
So There it is a Ten Things of Thankful post and if that isn’t ten things I am sure the pictures make up for any slack.

I am going to need a boat at this rate.

Standard

There is a saying that bad things come in three’s. That saying is lies. ALL LIES. I have already way surpassed three disasters. It has been to the point that my husband and I have been plotting how to run away back to Disney. Everything is better at Disney. We would even work, if we could live at Fort Wilderness. He could be a pirate. I could be a princess. The kid could play with the monkeys. There would be campfires and jacuzzi’s and pools. Between his pirate sword and my magic wand we would slay all our troubles.

Yesterday I came out of a meeting to find my right front tire almost completely deflated. Drove straight to the mechanic shop. He is looking at my tire, says he will try and fill it. The air goes in, and slowly starts seeping out. I roll the car back a fourth of an inch. THERE IT IS! I hear him shout. I just let my head hit the horn. You might think it was a nail. You might think it was in the crevice. You would be wrong. Of course it was a SCREW. OF COURSE IT WAS. OF course it was in the tread, the one place it is not safe to patch. OF COURSE IT IS. OF COURSE I NEED A NEW TIRE. The only blessing was I had someone who was willing to help us with the cost. Not that I could talk to him when he did come because I got called in reference to a Nanny Position I applied to. Of course!

If you follow me on Instagram you already know we have had plumbing issues. One of our bathrooms is still shut down because when Hubby has had time to snake it, it’s been storming. The storms have had lightening, because OF COURSE THEY HAVE! There have been some other things too. Ones that right now, I can’t think about. I am doing my best by being present and solving immediate in our face problems, not ones that might not happen for several weeks.

I don’t want to jinx it but things have started evening out.

Some people get disasters in three’s I get them in nine’s.

At this point I can’t wait for school to start back up so I can come home and faceplant on the bed without worrying why it is suddenly quiet.

Last night I picked up a friend and we went to walk a labrynith that is near by. As I quietly walked, I ranted at the universe in my head. I raged. My friend and I talked for quite a while. I came home and ate and for the first time in years, without extra medication help, I slept more than four hours at a time. I would say the emotional exhaustion and the relief of venting caught up to me.

This too is more of a vent then anything else, okay and a little guilt that I haven’t been publishing much. I have been writing it just hasn’t made much sense. I am not even sure this does either. Sometimes though, you just have to go with what is flowing.

That’s enough Universe That’s quite enough! ( Ten things of thankful #10thankful post)

Standard

Sometimes I wonder how I ever survived depression and anxiety without social networks. Sometimes I think we were better off without it. Before social networking I had a therapist, now I have friends who truly care. I had some of them before but I had a hard time being a friend, let alone a Mother. This week the Universe seems to have crapped all over me. Somethings I know I am worrying about that may not come to pass. I keep telling myself stay present, deal with what’s in front of your face. Ha! Tell my brain that. This week I have seen social media gather around a few friends who felt safe enough to reach out and speak their truth. They were in a dark place. Then the dark place seemed to have descended on me as well. Sometimes social media can be a blessing to someone with depression and anxiety. A well-timed quote, photo or attagirl. Somehow, even though I think the universe is shitting all over me, I also think the universe put these people in my life. The Universe showed this person just the right quote or photo with a nudge to share it with someone. Sometimes I have found the Universe use me in that way and I am grateful.

Ten Things of Thankful

I am pretty sure that entire paragraph could count as my ten items for my thankful list, however I have so much more. so much more.

Today I took back my house from the fruit flies. I bleached and vinegar and baking soda’ed (it’s totally a word) everything. I had some help from my daughter and from Starbucks and actually also Ultracur. Seriously. I cleaned for thirty minutes to an hour and then took a break and took one ultracur instead of taking two every couple of hours. Oh man. That is a good tool to stick in my Toolbox for later. I had never tried it that way before. I got most of my list done and some things not on the list.

School supplies, were gleefully organized and bags with my daughter’s name and classroom carefully written on them were packed up. One more week. One more week. I have loved this summer. We have had a great time. We are both pretty much in routine withdrawal though. I need my adult time back. She needs her schedule back. I am happy with what we did this summer but I would not object to her going back a week early either.

Tax-free +coupons=mostly happy pocket-book for back to school.

Then there are these photos that try to capture the thankful moments.

unnamed (1) unnamed (2) unnamed (3) unnamed

AND Then there was one last last extra last birthday party with her BFF’s where I made a pretty decent Angel Food Cake and sliced strawberries which we of course topped with whipped cream.

unnamed (4) unnamed (5) unnamed (6) unnamed (7)

So in the end, sometimes the Universe shits on you but there is so much to be thankful for if we just remember to stay present. I know, it is so much harder to do it than say it. That is why we have another day to try all over again. We can tell ourselves over and over that tommorow is a new day. It is even if the same problems from yesterday carry over. It is a chance to stay present and do something different, try something different.

So here are two thoughts that have gotten me through this week:

20_seconds_of_courage download (2)

Ten things to make vacations possible with Chronic illness

Standard
Ten things to make vacations possible with Chronic illness

I can’t go on vacation. I could never keep up. I can’t slow my family down. It would take weeks to recover.

I hear this all the time when I tell other chronically sick people I went on vacation. I am here to tell you it is possible. It takes planning. It takes determination but it is possible. The last three years we have been doing a camping trip to Disney, here is what I have learned.

  1. Plan it out

 I am not talking about the little things. I am talking about generalizations here. We leave on one day, set up camp. We go to the park the next day. We hang around camp/pool the next day. The last day we pack up and go home. I am not slowing anyone down this way. We all need time to recover and relax after the park. This also includes increasing exercise. I started this about three weeks before we left. THREE. WEEKS. Planning helped me plan in rest/recovery time. I planned out what I was bringing with me to help my body hold up. I planned out where the jacuzzi’s were to help my muscles recover a bit. I started cutting back on soda and increasing water three weeks prior to leaving as well. Taking your body on vacation it needs to be well hydrated before you even start.

2.Eat anti-inflamatory foods before leaving

Before we left I made sure to stock up on anti-inflamatory foods. Cucumbers, celery, pineapple, and ginger. I cut back on pasta and white rice. I made sure I was eating foods high in Omega three’s.This is not far from what I normally eat but, I tried to be extra vigilant about these things. I severely limited my sugar intake as well. Sugar causes inflamation on so many levels.

3.Sleep

I would say the three days prior to leaving I was super protective of sleep time. I tried to fall asleep close to the same time every night. I get that sleep is hard. Good sleep is even harder. This is where I pulled out all my tricks. Melatonin, cherry juice and magnesium.

4.Supplements

So if you follow me pretty regular you probably know what I am going to say here. Ultracur. Yes, I took it on my vacation. I did not take aspirin, aleve, or any other nsaid. It was not however the only supplement I took. I was also taking a flaxseed oil supplement three times a day. I took the ultracur four times a day. I took L-lysine two times a day. I use a Stomach enzyme and probiotic mix that I took twice a day. I also took a ginger supplement twice a day. It has taken me at least three years to figure out which supplements give me the most help. I can’t afford to take them all the time, plus I already take enough pills. I also highly believe that you should space these out.They should not be something you take daily all the time. I have found it to be more effective that way. I know others have not. This is where you have to really know your body and really take the time to find out what works for you. Briefly I will explain why I take each of theses. Ultracur which is Curcumin the helpful property in Turmeric is basically a coverall. There is hardly an area it doesn’t help. It is anti-inflamatory, anti-microbial and anti-fungal,works for the skin, the brain and the digestive tract.  I use the ginger mostly for help with muscle pain although it is good for many other issues as well. Flaxseed for joint lube. L-lysine is for membrane health. Originally I started taking it for coldsores but found my muscles really really like it when I take that. I kind of think the stomach enzymes and probiotics are self explanatory. They make my stomach and gut muscles happy. I am all about making my muscles and joints as happy as possible. I have tried glucosamin condroitin and really could not decern a noticable difference. I know some swear by it.

5. Spread it out

This somewhat goes in with planning, but not exclusively. For me I don’t mind not getting to all of the park, for others that might be an issue. There are two ways around this, plan more than one trip, or more than one park day. FOr me that would require extending our stay and I know my body and it is not up to that. I am pretty determined to camp because I love it so much. I used to hike and camp. That is really hard and I know I can’t do that. I can’t carry a sixty pound backpack and hike. This is my compromise with myself, that also allows me to give my daughter the experience of camping. Perhaps it is not important to you and you are good with a hotel. DO what your body can handle.

6.Eat to keep up

Protein protein protein. We all know that you need protein for your muscles after you exercises. Sometimes it is easy to not think of walking around a park as actual exercise. It is essentially what you are doing though. Eat high protein and low sugar while at the park as much as possible. However, that being said, you are on vacation so indulgences are allowed. Disney made it pretty easy to eat a balanced meal at every meal. Breakfast even had veggies available. This is where paying attention to serving size mattered most to me. Protein was the main part of my plate with room for fruit and veggies and a small space for carbs and sweets.  Don’t forget to keep hydrating. Drink a lot of water, when you think you have drank enough ,drink a bit more. By eleven am I had already drank sixty ounces of water. It sounds like a lot. Sure it made me go to the bathroom a lot. A lot. Factor in it is also summer in Florida. Sweat was dripping off us when it wasn’t raining. This is where I would also say powerade or gatorade are acceptable choices of hydration. I personally can’t stand coconut water but it is also an excellent hydrator. Don’t swear off all sugar and caffiene. They can be helpful tools to help you last all day. I tried to make sure the water I drank was twice as much as any amount of caffiene/sugar I had at each meal. Use the sugar/caffiene high to your advantage.

7.Rest frequently

Sit where and when you can. Sometimes it hurts worse to even try to sit down. I know I get that way too. However, your body needs it. Try to remember to stretch when you sit. I will be honest here and say I didn’t always remember that. There where times that sitting felt a lot like what the tin man most look like trying to sit. Keeping an eye out for oppurtunities for me to sit down really helped though. Even though I was tired, I made sure we got jacuzzi time in. There was one day I used it twice for the full fifteen minutes each time.

8.Allow indulgences

Normally I try to keep desserts and treats to a minimum. I know it doesn’t always seem like that and I am not always good at it. Remember though, this is vacation. Aside from knowingly consuming corn(an allergen for me) I let myself have desserts and other things, High carbs, I normally wouldn’t.  I had bread with breakfast and lunch and dinner most of the time. We had sweets and I sure did drink a lot of juice.

9.Keep hydrating

The last two years the week after hit me pretty hard. It took me a while to realize I had slacked off on hydrating. I wasn’t outside sweating any more. It is easy to forget to hydrate. Just like it is going to take more out of us to do the vacation, it takes a lot to recover. Hydrating is going to make that easier. Your muscles will thank you.

10. Allow for rest afterwards

This year I did not allow for full days of rest. I have found that to actually bring on a flare worse. Instead I planned short small activites with lots of rest afterwards. The first full day back I did my cleaning job and then we rested. A friend and I took my daughter to the beach. Which was perfect because I could rest knowing my friend had an eye on the kid. The salt water also really does help. If you are not near a beach plan on epsom salt baths. I still used those on top of the beach. Be gentle with yourself. I know this is a hard one for me too. I was starting to get discouraged I wasn’t back to normal by friday which was a week after we left. Pushing at it though is not going to help. I don’t really feel like I am fully recovered even now. I don’t expect to start that rise back to my “normal” level of everything until Tuesday night or even possibly Wednesday.

Remember this is after three years of almost the same exact trip to learn this for my body. After the first year I put in the extra day to relax before coming home because I paid for not having it the first year.  The only other thing that changed was which park we went to.

A Magical Ten Things of Thankful #10thankful

Standard

It is not that I am not thankful. I am. I am extremely thankful. This is more like the post vacation slump. Where reality leaks back in and on top of that your body says enough fun. The fatigue has been exceptionally crippling.

Anyway. I am digging my way back out of fibromyalgia land. So on to Ten Things of Thankful

”Ten

I am so thankful that we paid for our vacation in full with our taxes.

11792140_975087565872414_4810425254155426251_o

I am thankful that I splurged a bit and got the deluxe dining plan.

11227032_973668479347656_4696671593843835384_n 11703194_973261646055006_4927853642481060340_n 11822672_974401325941038_7496745708576436328_n

I am thankful that Disney takes such care and time for people with food allergies. I fully expected to my digestive tract to be complete trash and have to rebuild my tolerance. We had a chef show us what had corn and what had milk and even went into cross contamination.

I am thankful that Disney takes such care in conservation and care of animals. It was nice seeing the animals and knowing that it was more important that they were happy then us getting to see them.

11800266_973770199337484_4291062793377094587_n 11800547_973668639347640_9133090756037771451_n 11813363_974401639274340_2984984723148198067_n 11816862_973775522670285_3628766659763667119_n 11822357_974886835892487_7645818577412255461_n 11836913_973668919347612_6227787744298487308_n

I am thankful for church memebers who think of me for odd jobs that need to be done. Thankful for the oppurtunity to help and to meet our needs at the same time.

I lost count of how many Thankfuls that is and WordPress keeps tripping out and I need to get housework done and an angel food cake made so thats all for this week.

I lost

I am thankful for a great friend who took such great care of our animals while we were gone.

Recovery mode ongoing

Standard

I had been planing on having a new blog post for you guys today. However, my muscles disagree and the fatigue is a bit overwhelming still so, here is a look back at something I wrote for a Non-profit Organization. Bullying comes in all kinds of forms.

Growing up people tell you, you will find yourself, most likely in your twenties and you will understand. Well that never really happened in my twenties. I would not describe my twenties as a time of exploration, more an intensive crash course in real life learning. Hard lessons that popped my bubble of how I thought things would go.

Read more here.