Tag Archives: Pain

update on product review of ultracur

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I have a habit that when I find something that works, I am not always picky on the brand. This one I am. I can honestly say it works better than anything I have tried before.

Nature’s Made and Sundown being my normal go to brands. I ran out of Ultracur and I had some sundown on back up. My daughter actually takes it to boost her immune system in the winter. It wasn’t like from one dose to the next I noticed the difference. It was more once I reached the 24 hour mark without Ultracur. I started noticing aches, pains that had quieted. Could I have really pin pointed when they quieted. Probably not. It was like. oh hey, that was gone. Don’t worry there were other areas that were yelling. When it kicks in, it tends to be just as subtle. I know for me when I am not functioning my brain is constantly checking my body. NOW? Can we go do something now? Can we at least sit up? Can we stand? Once I am up and moving I tend to think less about my pain issues.

My routine has become I get up and take two. About thirty minutes later, my morning stiffness is noticeably less. I should note I also use Ginger,either in juiced form or in my Chai. Often two to three times a week I take a four mile walk. When I return from my walk. Two capsules and ginger. Most of the time thirty minutes later I can function again. Sometimes if I have really pushed myself it takes an hour.

At this point a little over a month after starting it, I have completely stopped taking aspirin. I only take Tylenol at night to help me sleep. For whatever reason Tylenol knocks me out. It is worth mentioning there is some minor risk taking aspirin and curcumin together. I never took them at the same time it was either one or the other. Until I tried this one, I had not found anything that would work at bedtime where I could stop using so much aspirin to help the muscle pain and the Tylenol to take the edge off the joint pain.

There have been some nights I have begun to question if I even need to take Ultracur at bedtime. I have skipped it several times and surprisingly had decent sleep.

If you missed the original product review you can read it here.

Please still contact Casey if you are interested. We continue to work together.

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The truth about flares

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I often get accused of being a chronic complainer.I don’t post how i feel for sympathy. Sometimes just seeing it in black and white helps me.  I just need to vomit it all out so I can move on. Its cathartic. This is not to say I don’t appreciate the comments.

Chronic illness is an asshole. Sometimes it makes me seem like an asshole. Most of the time in a flare I feel like I am being an asshole.
When I am resting I still feel like I am being lazy. I still think you are thinking I am being lazy. You can tell me all you want that you are not. When I have to cancel plans there is a part of me that feels I am just making an excuse. I know, if I went the pain would magnify. I know it.

Chronic illness makes your anxiety triple. Anxiety is an asshole too. Anxiety over what I do get done in a day. Anxiety over what I don’t get done in a day. Anxiety over what others are thinking about what I did today. Anxiety often makes me feel like I am being a complete wimp.
I feel ridiculous saying my skin hurts. Or any other body part that is acting up.
I feel like it’s an excuse even when I know the pain is too much to push through.Dishes have to get done ,I know that. It would seem standing doing dishes should be no big deal. Standing is a lot more work then we realize. There is a reason it takes babies so long to learn. There is a reason they get tired easily from it. If I do push myself my hips,knees and ankles blossom into painful bursts. If I keep pushing my hands will start to cramp up.  Have you ever tried to wash a plate and had your hand cramp. Most times I break the plate. It would make sense to stop doing the dishes before that happens. That is the thing though, the frustration, you don’t want to stop.

I am just as frustrated about my body flaring as you are, if not more. My brain is still functioning and often going a thousand miles a minute. I am thinking of all the things I need to get done. The things I should be doing. It is even more frustrating to feel somewhat okay while laying down yet, within five minutes of being up doing things, you are exhausted and often shaking.

I have a tendency to emotionally eat. Yes I know I shouldn’t eat that but sometimes emotions need to be fed. I do try very hard to balance my emotional eating with healthy eating. I do aim for that balance. I know full well I will pay for it later. Sometimes I feel it is worth it. Sometimes later when I am paying for it, I think I was being stupid. Just because I ate it yesterday or last week or last month doesn’t mean I can eat it during a flare. I could have eaten it yesterday and today it makes me want to vomit. I could have had it at lunch and my stomach tolerated it just fine. Eating it with dinner, not so much. It can be as small as garlic or lemon or as big as chicken. There is often no rhyme or reason to it.

So there it is the cold hard truth about flares and complaining.

The idea of pain relief

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Its been… um.. let me think… Seven years? I think. It all runs together. I no longer remember not being chronically sick or dealing with Chronic pain.

Once upon a time I was taking prescription level strength pain medications. Now I get over the counter pain relief medications.

Now I laugh when I see them call them pain relief.

Oh honey aren’t you cute. Its more of a pain dampener. Its like after the mind numbing silence someone turns on static and you think well this is nice. But then it fades and the static gets quieter and we are back. Sometimes it doesn’t even do that.

I know I have an amazing ability to push it aside most of the time. For me, most of the time it is mind over matter. Meditation has gone a long long long way to help me here. If I am in motion I am less likely to notice it. It is so much easier for me to stay in motion once I start. To just go from one thing to the next.If I let myself rest , I feel it. I don’t want to start again. This is part of the reason mornings are so difficult. Its that initial get in motion activity that is so hard to do.

I have too many sensory issues to use much in the way of creams or gels during the day. As hard as it is to believe the sensation that the cream or gel creates is more distracting to me than the actual pain.  Same with pain patches and what not. Sure I could go through the hoops and motions and get back on Lortab or something similar. The question remains though, at what cost? They were making my health deteriorate faster and with a family history of drug dependence and abuse, I am more comfortable not being on them.

In the end this means I spend a lot of time at the end of the day getting out of pain. I take Tumeric and ginger during the day for the pain and it does help. At night I often flop between aspirin and Tylenol, ice packs, epsom salt baths and sometimes even massage.

Everyone has to do what is right for them when it comes to pain management.  For awhile , for me, it was prescription medications. For now , for me, this is how I manage. It will change again. I know it will. That is one thing this journey has taught me. Pain management is all about change because our body has this wonderful way of adapting to  pain. We become tolerant of the level of pain. We become tolerant to the type of pain relief we are using.  Had anyone told me that I would tolerate a pain level of five as my normal pain level on any given day when I first started. I would have laughed until I cried.  Had they told anyone that when I rate my pain a three I consider it a really really good day. ……  The pain can only be pushed aside so much before it demands to be felt. I probably would have told them to keep the drugs coming, I don’t want to feel that.

The real cost of being sick

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 There is so much more to chronic illness expenses than doctors appointments, tests, and prescriptions. Those are the more obvious expenses. Those are costs that you can control to a certain extent with the type of health insurance  you have. These are some of the less obvious costs…

Lets start with diet.  I don’t mean the kind of diet you go on when you want to lose weight. I mean the kind of diet that completely changes how you eat. I won’t say that I avoid trigger foods altogether–I am human. I know [emotional? you just said “eating” which is good!] eating it is not the best idea, but sometimes it’s emotional therapy.

Many times the prescriptions that people with chronic illness take can cause digestion and gastrointestinal  issues as well. What that means for me is I can not rely on a good quality multivitamin to catch any lapse in diet. A good quality highly absorbable multivitamin can cost fifteen dollars or more per month.

The reality is fresh fruits and vegetables cost almost twice as much as canned or frozen fruit. Why is this an issue? Well this ties into the digestion issues. Many people with chronic illness cannot process the additives, extra sugar, processed sugar, and preservatives as well. This makes canned and frozen fruits not the best choice. I am not saying I never get these but its not my preferred choice, and I always have more issues after eating these foods.  I am lucky in my diet the only issues I have are preservatives, additives, lactose and corn.  This still makes it difficult, it could be so much worse.

While my family normally tend to be fairly healthy eating to begin with even before I got sick, it’s not even a choice now. It is how we have to live.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, just another hidden cost people don’t think about. I did do about six weeks of juicing with fresh fruits and veggies. It worked really well, and I did feel better. It cost me  about forty dollars a week. When it came down to it, I had to start focusing on making sure my family had enough groceries for the week and not just enough to juice.  Its great to juice or make smoothies, but I still have to feed my family.

Next we have what I like to call my toolbox. A list of things that you can do to help alleviate some of the chronic pain that goes along with chronic illness. Oh just take an Epsom salt bath every night. I use Icy hot and love it. Pick up some Tiger Balm. Pain patches, supplements, and exercise are what helps me.  It is one thing to say that but here is the hidden cost.  To be effective you need to use at least a cup of Epsom salt per bath, while recommended amount is two. At one point in order to take a just plain Epsom salt bath every night I was paying roughly fifteen dollars for salt each week.  This is just plain epsom salts. This was not for the ones that have added benefits of lavender or menthol or eucalyptus, rosemary or ginger added to them.  Not to mention its not like I can just jump into the bath tub any old time I need to.

Then you also pick up a variation of rubs, creams, and ointments. Each of these run from as cheap as five dollars up to twenty  bucks each. Since we often use them multiple times daily, we might get a week or two out of a tube or bottle–if we are lucky. Pain patches, however wonderful they are, are one short use and they are done. Five dollars for five patches that if you stretch it can last you four days. It gets to a point that you can easily be spending fifty to sixty dollars a month on these kinds of things.

There are some more natural remedies that you can take to help bolster the prescriptions that often you have to take. I have gone off a lot of prescription medications and have gotten down to my bare essentials so to speak. My bare essential prescription cost is about  [$150] {or} [One hundred fifty] every three months.  It was almost that a month at one point in time.

It is easy to say “go pick up a supplement.” Looking at quality matters a lot here. Turmeric, which is great for chronic pain, is a minimum of ten dollars for a month supply. Then often people in chronic pain use Magnesium which can be relatively cheap, again the type and quality counts here. The one I have had the best success with is fifteen dollars a month. I use a strong omega three supplement as I have both heart issues and mental health issues, and that helps with both.  I also take Melatonin as opposed to a prescription sleeping aid.  It is not hard for me to spend fifty dollars or more on supplements [a month? how long?]. Fifty dollars is where I am at right now with just the basic cannot-do-without supplements.

This is really just the first layer of unseen costs of being chronically ill.  This is not even taking into consideration that the kind of mattress you sleep on matters, keeping shoes fresh and supportive by changing them out every three to six months.

This does not even take into consideration that people that have chronic illnesses tend to not be able to work but yet not meet the terms for disability through the government.  I am lucky I have decent insurance and my costs are low comparatively speaking. Shockingly enough, to many the answer is not through medicaid, I actually paid more and struggled more going through the medicaid system.  The stress the system puts you through to jump through the hoops to get what you need……it’s unbelievable.  Even with the good insurance we have now my out of pocket expenses are anywhere from 100-150 a month. This is not including prescriptions that are significantly cheaper with insurance.  This is what I have it boiled down to as essentials. It could easily be twice that.

I often deal with people who are very flippant about my chronic issues because they are not visible nor are they the same from day-to-day.  To date my diagnoses are: Myofascial Pain Syndrome; Chronic Fatigue Syndrome; Fibromyalgia; Degenerative Disc Disease of cervical, thoracic , and lumbar spine; Irritable Bowl Syndrome triggered by a corn intolerance; Supra-Ventricular Tachycardia;  Raynauds; malabsorption of Vitamin D, Potassium, and Magnesium; severe outdoor allergies which borders on allergic asthma; OCD with tendrils of ADD.

I don’t look sick. I don’t like to talk about being sick or what I can or can’t do. If I am discussing it in detail with you, I trust you a lot.  I am not willing to continually prove my conditions to people over and over. What would I do to do that? Carry X-rays and MRI reports and blood test results around with me constantly? I am not being lazy or taking the easy way out and yes I can read that in your eyes. After dealing with Doctor after Doctor after Doctor who did not believe me, I can tell exactly who does and doesn’t believe me. Some of the disbelief comes because I was super active and really did a lot one day. The next day it takes everything I have to get out of bed. I am paying for being so active. When you have a kid, you tend to push yourself to do more, for them.

I have gone through the disability process with the government. Essentially they believe I have the issues I have but because I can parent to some extent and function to some extent, I am not disabled. What I was doing when I was working and trying to parent was not functioning.  I was a mess. I could not enjoy any time with my daughter. I focused on getting through the day til I could medicate and hopefully sleep. I had no quality of life, not to mention the immense damage to my organs that the prescriptions were doing. It has taken two years off of three medications to get my liver and kidney functions to somewhat normal levels. TWO YEARS.

It has been a long hard road to get my health back to some extent.  We are lucky that we have family and close  friends who understand and help us. We are functioning, barely, at a fourth of what we were earning when both of us worked full time, and this is with my husband working two jobs to help support us. If anything ever happened and he could not work, we would be completely screwed.

************************************** some exciting news in store***********************************************************

 

Below is a brief outline of the campaign, which illustrates what we’re trying to achieve and how people living with chronic conditions can help.

 

Via the “Hidden Cost of Chronic Illness” campaign, Debt Advisory Centre aims to raise awareness and visibility of the challenges faced by those living with chronic and ‘invisible’ conditions. We’re also conducting our own research into perceptions of chronic illness, especially in relation to the work environment.

 

 

We’d like to know the following about the patients that use your services;

 

  • How long they’ve had their condition.
  • What their specific condition is.
  • How it affects them (professionally, socially, emotionally)
  • What things they have to purchase in relation to their condition.
  • What other financial disadvantages they face.
  • Roughly how much they spend per month in relation to their condition.
  • How they feel others perceive their condition (employers, friends, strangers)

We’re keen to gather as much user-generated content as possible and welcome contributions via email and video.

 

Once we’ve gathered the information, we’ll combine it with research we’ve conducted ourselves and research supplied by other organisations ourselves. We’ll then be distributing and sharing those findings with the media.

 

Patients can find out more by visiting the campaign page http://www.debtadvisorycentre.co.uk/advice/Illness-and-Debt-What-are-the-Hidden-Costs-of-Chronic-Illness-0-4163-0.html

 

Please note, if you aren’t already aware, that Debt Advisory Centre is a fee-charging debt solutions provider and not a charity.

 

Never a normal doctors appointment

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Friday mornings are my roughest. I am so ready for the sleeping in on Saturday morning that sometimes happens. If it doesn’t happen the staying in bed a little longer happens. Most of the time.  Having a doctors appointment on a friday morning seemed like a good idea. I am not sure why. I know how rough I am. I got the kid out the door and to school on time. I headed to the doctors office right away because traffic is still horrible here. The tourist and snowbirds are slowly going back home…..slowly.

This was a review bloodwork and make sure my medications were all still okay. I was seeing the nurse practitioner because of a schedule conflict the doctor had. Because I can never just be a cut and dry case of ANYTHING…… my magnesium and potassium are still fluctuating still on the low side….and my thyroid is off…also on the low side…but the hashimotos study and the antibody study came back completely normal. This makes perfect sense to me, because I am used to this kind of thing. The Doctors were a bit perplexed. As I have a heart condition as well and am on medication for that, she is a bit hesitant to start thyroid medication. My heart condition is fairly well controlled with medication, however that does not mean we should take risks. If we do start medication it will be with an event monitor to make sure that I don’t have any SVT episodes(read my heart goes wacko, arrhythmia). For now we are doing thyroid level checks every three months and checking the antibodies every six months.

She was incredibly pleased with my progress on loosing weight and walking. Both of these will in the long run also help my thyroid along with my heart and other things. The progress is also why she was hesitant to start thyroid medications, afraid it will affect my heart and set me back walking and weight loss wise. We discussed diet and how juicing is helping. She was a little bothered that I only drink juice in the morning for breakfast and water. I am not a breakfast person. Unless breakfast is at ten or eleven am. She said she would like to see some grains introduced into my breakfast but since I was getting such packed nutrition from the juice she was not going to push it.  I have cut back my soda and coffee and that too will only continue to help. I told her there is one thing I do , do……the week before my period. I go with what I want, not necessarily what is healthy. We also discussed the once a week frozen yogurt. She said she wasn’t concerned because it was frozen yogurt first of all and the amount of fresh fruit I add was enough she felt the hot fudge and carob chips were an okay splurge. 

I was on prednisone for several years. During that time I had issues with skin scarring and keeping my skin moisturized enough. When I went off it , it slowly got better and went away. It is back. However she was not concerned that it was a new thing. It can take several years for skin to return to normal and will take intensive moisturizing treatments. Oh more fun. I am so horrible at remembering to do this, plus my OCD hates the texture of most of the lotion and creams.

While my magnesium and potassium oh and vitamin D levels are just slightly below level, we are still gonna keep an eye on those too. Its a relief to know that I am not taking too much because the levels I take are fairly high. It concerns me. However my body just doesn’t seem to like to hold on to those things.  Malabsorption is so tricky. Sometimes I absorb things great. Other times not so great. There is constant adjustments needed.

We then discussed the upcoming trip in August to Epcot and camping. She doesn’t see it being a problem for a low dose muscle relaxer for a week. It is one less thing for me to worry about. I can work on progress with distance in my walking. It will help with endurance. Camping and keeping up to an excited nine year old will be hard. This is just a little edge off at night to keep me going for four days.

After such a good doctor visit and leaving so pumped. I treated myself to Starbucks. Just a single shot espresso. I add sugar to it and it reminds me of Cuban coffee I used to get with my Dad. Its a nice warm fuzzy memory to set the rest of my day with. Not to mention the boost of energy and possibly being productive with housework today!

Start

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That is the key. First you have to start.
Many people assume because I go on walks, I am feeling better. It looks impressive that I walked two miles.It is impressive but it did not happen overnight. I has been over a year though since I started walking and it has been slow and steady increase.

When I first started half a mile completely fried me for the day. It was all I could do to make it back to the house.

I didn’t give up though. I kept doing it. First it was one walk every three days.. Then every other day.. then every day.

This allowed me to ease  my Fibromyalgia and arthritis ridden body  to walking. Giving myself time to deal with flares when they happen.

It wasn’t about stopping when I hurt. If I did that I would never get anywhere. You will find that there is a period of time that the walking makes you feel better. It is typically ten minutes into the walk for me. Then I can go for a bit a feel pretty decent. Then the pain returns. That’s when it is time to turn around or be heading back.

Be gentle with yourself. Fibromyalgia does not like it when we try to minimize its impact on us. Remember that you need rest after these walks. Typically there is not a lot left for me to do for the day when I take my walks. If I take them too early in the morning I am completely fried for the day.

Track your walks with a pedometer. I use an app on my phone. It helps to keep you on schedule with walking. It is also an added bonus of something to show your doctor to show you are trying.  It is also fun to see the patterns you walk on the GPS mapping part of it, at least for me it is.

It is also important to remember to hydrate yourself. If you don’t like the taste of water. I recommend chugging at least eight oz of water prior and after the walks. Remember to keep hydrating through out the day.  I have found that people with Fibromyalgia need more hydration that normal.  It helps your muscles in so many ways.

Something else that helps is having someone else go on the walks with you. When I first started out I went with my husband or my best friend, neither of them have chronic illnesses but, they know when I am pushing myself too much. Now I tend to walk with another friend who has chronic illnesses. We keep each other accountable for walking. Now we tend to walk twice a week and we are averaging two and half miles. Sometimes it is too much for me, sometimes it is too much for her. We get each other through it.

Keep playing around with it and find what works for you. It maybe that it works better for you to walk in the morning. It maybe something you do by yourself,for yourself. I promise you will find it helps in so many ways than just exhausting you.

Walking can help improve your mental state, ease anxiety, it boosts your energy levels, it increases your Vitamin D intake(since most people walk outside in the sun). It strengthens your heart and other muscles, it aids weight loss. It can also help prevent dementia and lower the risk for other disease. I also find that when I am dedicated to walking, I sleep better at night too.

It is to your benefit to get out there and walk. So get out there and just START!

 

When was the last time you….

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Stopped to smell the roses. Wait, no I am serious.

As parents we have a unique chance to always enjoy the little things. We just have to remember what it is like to be a child, when everything is new and wonderful.

Does it really take that much out of our day to

……Stop and smile as you watch a butterfly flit around.

…….splash in a puddle or two after the rain.

…….wore something just because it made you happy.

I find that when the pain is the worst or the most annoying that if I focus in on what my daughter is involved in, the pain isn’t as bad. It may mean that I have to get down on her level. Let’s worry about getting back up when it comes time.  Sometimes with chronic pain and parenthood we are so focused on doing that we forget to just ….be. That it’s okay to slow down. Sometimes just acknowledging that I am in a lot of pain and to slow down is enough to lessen it.

One of the joys in my life right now, is that I am an auntie and a family friend to enough other kids that I have my pick of age ranges. I can immerse myself in the infant stage or just chill with some eight year olds. If I am feeling really adventurous I even have a teenager or two I could annoy. I regularly get to enjoy my friends five year old as I help out by taking her to Tae Kwon Do. I am so immersed in the life of a parent of an eight year old that I forget what five was like.  Sometimes it is not that thrilling. I completely forgot how at five my daughter was slow as molasses on doing ….well….anything. I forget how determined to do it themselves they are at one.  I forget how exciting and perplexing a bird is to a nine month old.

Its amazing to me how much even just five minutes focusing on them can help sort us out. The pain is a bit more manageable, the stress is still there its just less. Does it always work? Nope. If I am really honest with myself though, its because I have not been slowing down enough. It is because I am trying to do everything all at once. There is so much guilt associated with being a parent who is in chronic pain that we tend to push our limits, all the time. It doesn’t help us. This is something I work at remembering every day.

When was the last time you……..

Sat in the grass and examined it for bugs?

pulled a part a flower to see what is inside?

stopped to blow on a dandelion?

took delight in watching the birds fly around?

As I think about the last five years dealing with chronic pain and parenthood. There were times that it was so easy to ignore everything around me and focus on the pain. It has been a slow  journey to find myself again. The things that stand out in my mind are when I was basically hyper focusing on my child/family instead of my issues. Unplanned moments that just stick out in my mind.  Will my daughter look back and see a parent in pain or a parent involved?

I hope and strive for a parent involved.

The importanance of medication changes

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It is easy to get stuck in a rut. You know something isn’t working like it used to but you don’t know what so you keep on trudging through. The thought of stoping medication is enough to send me into a panic attack. Take some deep breaths, you can do this. I have been through several and though not fun and not always by choice, it was often for the better.

That being said, I am remembering how horrid Cymbalta is to come off of.  I swore when I got off it I would not go back on. It worked so well so I did. I felt I had to. I had to function somehow. What I did not realize was it was not just the cymbalta but the combination of medications I had been on. I did not go back on the others. It was easier to stay on the medication I knew then to go back off and try other medications. At the time I also was not really comfy with the psychiatrist who was prescribing. I had to feel very comfortable to explore different medications, to me this is a very intimate process. It requires me to be more open with the Doctor than I might normally be. I have to be prepared for that mentally as well.

Medication changes for people who are dependent on them is pretty important. There is a little thing called tolerance. Ideally we should be increasing and decreasing and changing up medications, tweaking them. Often though we just stay at the same dose the same medication until it is all not working.  By that time we are often in a flare. It does not really matter what the medication is for, chronic pain, mental health or chronic illness. We build up a tolerance to it.

It is exhausting. I mean EXHAUSTING to go through medication changes. Often we wait. It is not the right time. It is too hard. It will wait. The only thing waiting does is put off the inevitable. It makes it even harder on us. Then comes the frustration because no matter the medication, the change slows us down. There are some things we just can’t handle doing right now.

Then there are the situations we really need to avoid, the ones that are triggers. The ones that push our buttons. We go from fine to OMG GET AWAY FROM ME NOW. For me it tends to be the ones that say prescriptions are not the answer, I just need to do…….. try…… or my personal favorite turn to religion. I tend to not tell the people that are apt to turn to that about the medication changes I am going through.It is the only way I have of coping with that. It is still a work in progress.

I am not telling ANYONE to go off their medications. It is something that needs a doctor supervising. It is not something to attempt or do on your own.  I can not stress this enough.  Research the other medications that are out there, sure that is fine. It is ultimately up to the doctor to decide which ones and which combos are right for you.

Don’t forget to renew yourself

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I think I am on top of it. This whole self care thing. Then I realized that I was trying to find things to do other than take a walk by myself. My phone app had told me it had been three days since logged my activity…Still I didn’t want to walk.

I got the kid to school and then found myself driving to a park down the street I had not walked the trails for awhile. I don’t even remember making a conscience decision to go there. Then I thought, well its just a short walk. I can walk it a second time if I feel up to it. I started off by the little pond. It did not disappoint me.

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It was early and the locals were out and about.

I spent the first bit of my walk……possibly five minutes with my head down.

It was not a bad view

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Once I realized I had been walking looking down and was still inspired to snap a picture. I realized maybe I needed this walk. Just me. My phone camera. Nothing else.

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Pretty sure this path leads to Narnia. Pretty sure. It sure feels magical.

I have walked this trail many many many times. I am still captured by some spots. I am still amazed at how the seasons change the same spots.

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Then I saw things that really truly made my heart happy.

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The red on the tree is called Red Lichen. It is a good indicator of good air quality. Breathe deep take it all in…this is the good stuff here. By this time I was feeling pretty good. Not the mess of pain that I woke up in. Why do we put off self care things we KNOW we need? The pain was less, not gone just less and slightly easier to deal with.

So I decided to see if I could locate how to get onto this other trail I could see but had not found the entrance to.

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It was worth looking for.

It was exactly what I needed. I even saw a black racer snake. I didn’t scream…..big win for me. He saw me and took off.

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This is when I realized THIS was what I needed. This was my sanctuary, this was my temple, my heart was full again in this moment.

Although I had a good walk. It was time to go back. I did reach the end of that new trail. I was shocked and disappointed it deadend at a golf and country club neighborhood. The way I felt it should have ended with picnic tables and a serene lake. It was that magical feeling.

I got back to the main trail. I look over at the other trail.

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A different local was seeing me off. Don’t worry he was down on the shore. The trail was above this. Besides for the most part, gators don’t like humans. We don’t taste right.

The view from the bottom.

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NaBloPoMo October 2013

Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Oprah Winfrey said, “So go ahead. Fall down. The world looks different from the ground.” Do you embrace failure?

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Oh my dear stalkers, I so do. The only way to find what works sometimes is to find out what does not work. What absolutely completely and totally does not work.

Its hard to realize failure can help us. Its hard to see that the sixth medication to fail to offer any help is just another stepping stone to finding what works for you.

It was not too long ago that if I was presented with the way I live now was presented to me. I would absolutely have seen it as a failure.

There is a quote that I absolutely love and when I am struggling it helps me see the light.

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Its not until I look at what I do have now, what I have time to appreciate now, that I didn’t then. That I can see it was not failure.

I FAILED in being a woman in the work force.

I FAILED in being a working mother.

I FAILED in being a wife that has a job away from home.

In many ways I FAILED in being a daughter since my relationship with my mother is broken.

I way way way FAILED at being the wife and mother who can cook.

Some days I FAILED at functioning.

I could look at it that way. I could just stay down. I could just give up.

That’s not me though.

So maybe I didn’t FAIL at being a woman in the work force, maybe that was not meant for me.

Maybe I didn’t FAIL at being a working mother, maybe I just need to be a mother.

Maybe I didn’t FAIL at having a job away from home, my job now is to help my friends when and where I can.

Maybe I didn’t FAIL at being a daughter. Maybe it is a two sided problem with no easy answers and we are each doing what we need to do for OURSELVES.

Maybe I didn’t FAIL at Cooking…okay..I take that back..I really really suck at it. But perhaps maybe thats why I married a man who CAN cook.

I don’t agree with the word failure.  I embrace things that didn’t work out for me and my life and we move on from there.

I think as women and even men that we take failure as only a negative thing. Its not.

Its not easy to say, “So it didn’t work we will try something else.” Its frustrating . It incites anger.  It brings sadness. Its disappointing.

Take that time. Let the emotions come. Then take a deep breathe. Look at those stars and say, “What do we try next?”  “What is the next step?”

Maybe when these emotions are flowing, remember this about courage…..

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For some reason , I don’t really know why, I always seem to just roll over after being knocked down and see a different perspective. Maybe not right away. Maybe not the next day.  It might not be right away but it will happen.

I might not embrace failure but I am not so much bothered by being knocked down or falling down.

Maybe that was not the right path for me and I was being stubborn not seeing it so I am knocked down.

Or perhaps I am not on the right path and instead of admitting it , I wait til I fall down.

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