Monthly Archives: August 2013



Sometimes we forget just how caustic some situations are to us.

We removed our selves and started to heal…..but then we start to think…..maybe it wasn’t that bad.

Sometimes its because we love the people but not how caustic they were to us.

Sometimes it’s because we are so used to the drama so to speak we think we are missing something.

When it includes people we love…..its harder. We want to know whats going on in their lives but we don’t want the feelings that come after.

For me it was feelings of inadequacy , questioning my self, increase in my anxiety to panic levels, and generally just grumpy angry.

It took me years in therapy to get up the courage to actually  break those contacts.

Therapy helped me see that it wasn’t always about me.  It’s still something that I grapple with. It’s not always about me. Don’t take things personally. It may be that it was not intended to be a personal attack. It may be that  they are projecting their issues on me. Wow can I hear the therapy speak in that!

What it did do was make me really look at myself. Who am I really? Do I really feel this way? The question that kept coming up was if I would not allow someone to talk to my daughter the way I was being spoken to……then why was I allowing them to talk to me that way. It came to a time that regardless that they were people I loved, I couldn’t allow them to speak to me that way if I wouldn’t allow them to speak to my daughter that way.  It wasn’t something that I did lightly. It was something I could have handled better.  I could tell you all the excuses  . 

Reasons….why I handled it the way I did.  In the end though it has been best for myself and my family.

The peace that has come has been very slow.  I was first able to enjoy more fully the life I did have with the people who mattered most. Not because they loved me the most, not because they had the most money, but because even when they disagreed with my decisions they positively supported me.  Then slowly I started to realize how stressed a lot of those situations had been.  I almost felt like I was forgetting something.  In a way…I was. I was forgetting that taking care of myself is just as important. That I can preach about self care and emotional health and well being and being proactive about physical health, but if I wasn’t doing it in my own life then who was really listening?

Some of these situations are only six months old……some of them are two years old….some of them are two and half years old.  Time does make it easier, but so does frequent self analysis.  Am I stopping to check in with me? Am I doing okay? Really?  Why am I focusing on something that I agreed needed to be done? Why am I second guessing myself?

The truth of the matter is……its the hard stuff that makes me second guess myself the most. Cutting ties. Cutting it out of my life. Some of it was just cold turkey. Some of it I had to wean myself off of.

The truth of the matter is….If we never look back…we won’t see how far we have come. I need to remember to be patient with myself in this.

I really just need a fast forward button


There are people who would say what I need is a do over button for some days. What I think is…I need a fast forward button. I already got this far can we just skip to bedtime? I am sure tomorrow will be better. 

I went to bed last night determined it was going to be a great day. It’s Not my workout, It’s my diagnosis and I had a joint project that we were launching…I was planning on getting in another walk on the trail to really help this whole weight loss thing along. then drop off the kid….Publish post and go from there. 

First of all I slept from eleven pm to three am.  I felt really good about that. I shouldn’t have. It was all the sleep I was going to get. My brother in law started getting ready for work around three thirty….I had just started to fall back to sleep. I think I dozed for a bit. He was leaving. Okay..Lets sleep. Ten minutes later the hubs alarm starts going off. Okay so…Not sleep.So I take my pills have a bowl of cereal and lay back down.  As he is getting ready to leave….He tells me that the kid is awake and she accidentally had an accident in her bed.

So up and atem…No walk right away as I was being moral support for a friend with baby daddy issues. 

Go out to the car. I remembered the car keys. I start the car, Take an extra sip of coffee…Go to back out. Please….tell me that is not what I think it is. Please tell me…..Turn the wheel to get out. oh but it is. It is the unmistakable feel of a flat tire. We live within walking distance BUT I had not planned to walk her to school that day…start walking call a friend to see where she is at as  her kid goes to same school. We get a ride.

 The drama doesn’t happen with the baby daddy. Pretty decent day just hanging out together. 

The hubs goes out to change the tire to the spare. Yeah… about that. He tried. He did. But the jack bent….So my car sits where I can’t automatically see it which means I keep readjusting to see that its still there(lovely little OCD thoughts there). 

All of that doesn’t sound too bad? It could have been worse? Oh I forgot to mention. I have been out of muscle relaxers for about three days now. My muscles are not happy. Mid afternoon the storms start to roll in so now my joints are slowly letting their discomfort be known until about five when they decide they need to up the volume of their complaint.  So overall I feel muscle achey with some tightness around the know just the hips knees ankles and its starting in the arms and colar bone….no big deal joints.. right…uh huh 

I am just thankful that I have a husband willing and able to take over dinner and homework and bedtime. 

So now I am shutting it all down. Curling up with my medications and a book. Perhaps there will be sleep involved tonight. 



If you are depressed you must be sad right?

See that’s the thing with depression. At least for me, it wasn’t an overwhelming feeling of sadness. In fact I would say most of the time I am quiet but not unhappy.  The Summer is the worst for me. I don’t have to get the kid to school I don’t have to get up and going unless we have something planned.

As long as I am up and buzy and doing something I am fine. I can focus on what we are doing. It is when I stop that I struggle.  Sometimes it gets so bad that I can’t wait til I get back from dropping the kid off at school to go back to bed. To mindlessly scroll Facebook , to mindlessly watch tv. To not think about what is actually going on.

Its not something I talk about alot..>It stats small thought I do know that…One night I just don’t feel I have the brain to focus on reading just one night won’t hurt…..then it becomes two and three and four. I know I need to read before bed. I know its part of what helps me sleep better. I just can’t seem to … Before I know it I can stay in bed all day…either watching tv browsing the internet or my other escape… Just laying her with my eyes closed day dreaming. Day dreaming that I am this person that is in a situation that makes me helpless and I have all these people that are trying to save me and help me and love me.

Its not that I am not thankful for what I do have. ITs not that I am not grateful for the oppertunities I have. I am. I think thats actually part of it…Because I have this gratitude and thankfulness and my brain keeps trying to tell me I shouldnt have it.  I shouldn’t have the things I do. I am not worth that.   It’s not that I don’t feel loved. Or not loved enough. Its more a puzzled WHY do they love me.  Combined that with a brain that has to analyze everything and if I am not planing and organizing the information the brain is giving me. ……I am nit picking it and tearing it to pieces but even while I do it. I scream stop over and over and over.

When Jennifer over at It’s Not my Workout its my diagnosis suggested her followers do this hashtag I got behind it. Getting dressed is the hardest step when you have depression.Its like once you have clothes on your brain has a harder time staying in unproductive mode..The people that joined this are amazing. They stated yet again to depression. YOU WILL NOT WIN. YOU WILL NOT TAKE OVER MY LIFE. Its a little thing to get dressed. With Depression every little thing you do is a big thing to push back against it. So for the first  few days…maybe even a week you get up and get dressed . Maybe next week you will push back a little more and get something done. Just one little thing off a to-do list.  Check out these pictures of these AMAZING PEOPLE who Stand up to fight against depression but ALSO STAND UP and say…MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS. I MATTER! I am NOT A STIGMA. WE may have Depression BUT WE DON”T HAVE TO STAY IN THE DARKNESS! #Depressedbutdressed  it’s one of those BIGS.


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So Now go over and check out what Jennifer has to say too..

Books I have really enjoyed reading to my child.


This occurred to me while I was helping my daughter find books to check out.

We are still transitioning from the little kids area to the chapter books but not quite tween area.

There have been some books that I really really really really enjoyed reading to her. There were some that just reading it once was bad enough.

So here are some that stand out to me



Zero wants to do the things other numbers do…..she wants to count. She wants to matter. She tries to change herself. She finds by the end that She is perfect the way she is and she does count . I love the underlying message in this book. We will never get rid of this book ever.

Alexander and the Horrible Terrible no good very bad day


Alexander has a really bad day…Some days are like that. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves what a bad day for a child is like.

Where the Wild Things Are.


Oh there are really no words to describe my love of this book. It was the book I knew that no matter when we had kids I had to buy for my future kid right away.  The imagination the creativity. The fact that just because he was being a monster Mommy didn’t really make him go hungry and she still loved him.

Guess how much I love you.

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This is stuff kids think about. We still do this trying to think of the furthest thing away and saying we love each other all the way to and back. We still read this book. It is one I don’t think we will ever stop reading.

Harold and the purple crayon


Oh Harold. How I love you! Your problem solving. You don’t need toys to be entertained.  Paper a crayon and imagination. All that is needed. Curiosity and problem solving, Two tools that in my opinion are necessary to thriving in life. 

Of Thee I sing


 This is not a political statement. Just try and read the book without seeing Barack Obama. See a father telling his daughter he believes in her. He believes that whatever she thinks she can do…She can, That her voice is beautiful that her appearance is beautiful that her brain is beautiful. That there is no part of her that isn’t beautiful. But most  importantly..HE BELIEVES IN HER. How valuable is that? ! Its Priceless!

I am sure there are other books that we won’t ever get rid of but these ones have a special place in my heart.

Addiction doesn’t go away




This was a post I wrote for and I feel it should be published again.

There is this commercial that comes on. It talks about how they have this great rehabilitation program and all the ways they will “help” you. They state they will help you lead an addiction free life. It closes with that he knows because he was an addict once and now he is not.

I will openly state that I have never been addicted to any drug or alcohol.  However that is more because I am scared crapless of becoming addicted to those things and more.

Both my parents were recovering alcoholics.  My Dad was always very clear. I am an alcoholic but I am sober now.  He never once said he was cured. I grew up being told I am predisposed to addictions to drug and alcohol.  It was drilled in our head over and over. I remember talking with my Dad at one point asking him what addiction is like. Why can’t he have just one beer at night? He said, ” It’s like you realize that what you are doing makes you happy and you are not as stressed and just feel good . The next time you feel down or stressed or whatever you turn to beer because it worked so well last time. Then you start chasing that feeling. That I really like how I feel feeling! That I am so happy when I do this feeling. Then you are not only chasing the feeling but also wanting to STAY in that feeling. That the danger is not in actually doing the addiction its in chasing the addiction. Then you are not happy unless you are “in that feeling.”

Dealing with chronic pain I refused any kind of narcotic for a long time stating that I am predisposed and lets not tempt anything here. It wasn’t until my shoulder was so stiff I could hardly move it and most of my body was super sensitive to the touch. I scheduled an appointment to see the rhuematologist right away.  I had already “caved” in my opinion by getting a muscle relaxer from my primary doctor. When I explained why I did not want a pain killer, he said….addiction is scary and you are right to be worried but the very fact that you ARE worried tells me you will be fine. I stayed on prescription pain killers for four years. Guess what….after two years I didn’t think they were working well enough. I did massive research on Fibromyalgia and prednisone. I took it in to my primary. We started a really low dose of prednisone daily. It not only would help with the pain but would help reduce some of the arthritis pain and also probably do wonders for my asthma.

It came time that I stopped working..rather abruptly and lost health insurance. I had to go off all my medications because the health department would not prescribe most of them. No one wanted to help me detox off these medications. I knew I couldn’t just go off them. I was no longer considered a patient at my primary and Rheumatologist office.. I have a great Cardiologist who said ” Absolutely you can not go off cold turkey. I will write one prescription for each of your meds…Dose yourself down and let me know if you have ANY problems or you begin to have symptoms again with your heart.

I was scared crapless to go off those meds. How could I possibly function without them? How can I do this? How do I safely come off these medications.

I had help from a friend who had come off similar medications. We got through it but I don’t remember most of those first three weeks. I was on autopilot.

Looking back I know I was walking a slippery slope. There is a difference between dependent and addicted and not many people realize it. It is extremely difficult to walk.

It is over a year later after this had happened and I was doing much better. I was managing my illnesses and on probably only half the medications I had been on.

That same friend that helped me detox off my medications needed help. She felt herself falling back into alcoholism. She was scared. She had support. She had my support.  Her road back to being sober has not been easy. There was even a time I had to pour wine out so that she had nothing more to drink. To actually physically restrain her from buying another bottle of wine. I love her. I hate the addiction. I hate the underlying reasons for the addiction. I hate watching her struggle, knowing she has to do the work.

I worked in misdemeanor probation for four years. I saw addiction and recovery every day. I saw these people come in at some of the worst times of their lives and leave a completely different person. I saw many people fall back into addiction. Addiction so bad that they showed up at probation at nine am drunk.  Not just a little drunk…..a lot drunk… like .56 drunk. What was even scarrier still is they often claimed to have stopped drinking last night. There have been people who I thought had this. They were doing so good. Then a positive test or a new arrest and I realized how fragile that balance was.  I saw people who said they were perfectly fine but could not walk a straight line or hold a pen and write their name.  People who even topped drug court for the most things tested positive for or the highest levels for. How they walked into the building is beyond me.  It was all incredibly sad.

Its a monster that just won’t go away. That you have to fight back on a daily basis.  Sometimes an hourly basis. It is that bad guardian angel sitting on your shoulder that drowns out the good angel. That is constantly begging you to just do it. Just one more time won’t hurt.

It took my mom telling my dad not to come back until he was clean and sober. By this time I was still very young.. Under a year old. I wouldn’t go to him if he had been drinking. The babysitter wouldn’t release me if that was the case. She always knew. It took him three days. My friend who is still struggling is struggling against the addiction so she can have her family, Her son and her husband.

Addiction does not just go away after treatment. Its always there. He would have been better of stating I am a recovering addict or I have been in recovery for so many years. However that doesn’t have much appeal and probably wouldn’t bring new clients.

My Anxieties have anxieties and Contingencies have contingencies


The thing about anxiety is… does not make rational sense.


You can know that it does not make rational sense. The anxiety is not rational. The weird thing is…..that doesn’t mean it just goes poof…gone,no longer an anxiety. You can tell yourself that its an irrational thought. Even  saying that doesn’t always help. No matter how many times I say it.

A friend of mine and i took the kids to an aquarium a bit away and had a great discussion about anxiety.

I can tell people I have anxiety. I can even talk about some of my anxieties. I know some of my triggers. Tornados, waterspouts ,funnel clouds…Yeah any word that is along those lines. I can’t handle. Before we moved if we were under a Tornado warning i would have to go pick up my daughter. I had to have her with me. Did it make any kind of logical sense to go out in bad weather? Not even a little. I knew that. Really I did. I was a mess if I tried to be logical and not go get her.

When we were really strapped for cash I still refused to put my daughter on the school bus. I couldn’t do it. Just the very thought of it made my anxiety border right on panic immediately. It took me two years to allow myself to even consider a halfway point. I will take her to school and the bus can bring her home. Anti-anxiety medications helped a lot.  Telling me that I was being ridiculous didn’t help, I had to see her actually get to school. I even walked her to her class most days.  I knew it wasn’t reasonable I knew I was using gas we didn’t have to do this. I just had to.  It wasn’t that I didn’t trust the school bus driver,or wasn’t that completely. Accident’s are not always the blame of just one driver.  I think to a certain extent I was okay with any picking on that might happen on the school bus as that is normal childhood stuff. I think also my hatred of riding the school bus as a child and the headaches I got from it spurred some of it. I also will fully admit that it was a mix of it all.

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I am also very picky about cooking food and then eating it. I have never given myself, my husband or my child food poisoning.  I have however thrown away food that was even slightly iffy. Even if other people told me it was okay. I still couldn’t get past that to serve it. This is also why for the most part I don’t eat left overs. My husband does. My daughter does too sometimes. Me not so much. I think way too much about the food. Do I have to heat it up to the same temperature? What if it doesn’t heat the right way? Did I refrigerate it soon enough? If its a choice of eating said food or being hungry. I will be hungry every single time. I know I am not that great of a cook but I actually prefer for it to be overdone than underdone. Finding that happy medium is elusive for me.

People who don’t understand anxiety just don’t get it.  The biggest pet peeve I have is let go and let God. That just does nothing for me.  I tried really hard. It was finally both my Pastor and my therapist who said. Have you ever “owned” your religion or did you just follow?  Truthfully when I really thought about it and really got serious and followed what was true for me. I finally found a lot of help. Just the guilt leaving was helpful. It had nothing to do with not praying enough, not believing enough or not deserving it.  As an aid for some people it does help. It has helped some of my closest friends.  Not saying they don’t have anxiety anymore they just have a better hold on it. Its not taking over their lives. Sometimes that is all you can do with anxiety. Not let it take over.

Same thing with saying who cares what they think. Well I can say that , I can believe it most of the time.  For me its still a daily struggle. It is still an hourly thing sometimes to tell myself I don’t care what others think so long as I am good with what I am doing, wearing, saying.  I am continually trying to build my self confidence, self esteem . Writing has been one of those things that helps me a lot.

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My panic attacks seem to need to build up. My daughters however are quick. She has to be removed from the situation. One time it was during a haircut. Same hair dresser as always. She thought he cut the back of her neck and for the rest of that day nothing would get through to her. I had to promise to watch a week later when we tried to go back.Luckily we have a FABULOUS hair dresser and he was just as crushed  and wanted to rectify it. They talked first and he asked how he could make it better. She and i had already talked about it. So she was able to say, “could you hold the hair and scissors away from my skin” .  We had discussed several options ahead of time. What if the first request couldn’t be done.

I do this a lot so I was not surprised that she needed multiple ways to deal. We will do this , if that doesn’t work we will do this.  I can normally feel secure in two alternatives sometimes however I can’t stop and have to have multiple plans of attack so to speak.

Some of my anxieties are over small everyday things to other people. The fact that its such a small thing makes people think I should be able to talk about it. This is not the case.  I know this and still writing this and planning on writing this I did not realize how big of a deal it would be until I started it.

Anxiety makes you think about every aspect of something and have plans in mind on how to deal with everything that comes up. I shouldn’t say every aspect because often the most logical thing can escape me.


**Disclaimer***It may have been the Fibro Fog…I however could not seem to follow the images back to one person….to give credit…I will publicly say these are not my images. They were found on Google Image under anxiety.

my daughter the piglet



Unfortunately this is the only picture I have of her breastfeeding…

Yup its a breastfeeding story.

 This kid could never get enough booby milk……ever

To the point that when I laid her on my lap to get the boob out…put her in position…..

Instead of rooting and then latching…She snorted like a pig as she turned her head and snorted until she latched on.

She has yet to loose that appetite!

Most of the time she doesn’t snort like a pig now, she just sounds like Rolly from 101 Dalmatians. I am hungry mama I am hungry.

It is really tiring.


Muscle aches…….no problem…..take a bath.

Joints hurt….no problem….Take a supplement, take arthritis meds.

Sleep disturbances… problem…there is a pill for that.

Fatigue… problem….drink an energy drink.

This is what people who don’t know think when they hear what we go through all day.  I have talked about how people with chronic illness/chronic pain need a “toolbox”. If you missed it…click

Read the rest of this entry

Laundry Day Giveaway


Laundry Day Giveaway 8/19 – 8/26

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The decision


Its not easy to make the decision to retain your child. Especially when you were retained and the horror that followed that.

I remember being teased with crystal clear memories and all.

Luckily our daughter goes to a charter Montessori school. Yes they do exist!

In the last three years I have come to embrace the Montessori method in a way that I never did in my years of teaching.

They have the unique balance to make sure that the kids are able to pass the FCAT (Florida Comprehensive Assesment Test) . It has been amazing to watch this process these past three years and to see my daughter flourish in school.

When second grade began last year and our daughter was placed in the lowest level learning group within the classroom I was dead set against her being retained.

As the year progressed and we worked with her on her homework and listened to her read aloud, the more I researched FCAT and looked at their parameters, the more I realized it would probably be in her best interest to retain her.

Not because her grades were so bad, not because she is not grasping the concepts, but because she does her best work when she is confident in her skills. Reading and math happen to be skills that she struggles with.  We all know math and I don’t get along. At All! So it is really not surprising.

Her teachers said they could tell she has been read to and likes to read she just needs the self confidence in herself.  She has it in her head she is not a good reader.  Unlike me she enjoys reading out loud. I loathe reading out loud. Guess why? Because I am self conscience of how I sound! So I can relate to her not being so confident.

Luckily in the Montessori setting there is little distinction in what grade you are in. I have cringed a little bit when she tells people she is being retained. I feel like I need to protect her from the world’s harsh views. Inevitably after she tells someone and they process what she says they look to me. I want to yell She is NOT slow SHE IS NOT STUPID. She is learning at her own pace!

She has made tremendous progress this summer with reading. We made weekly (at least) trips to the library. We have stuck to the twenty minutes of reading a day rule. I have seen improvement and I have seen improvement in her confidence in words….She is asking me less and less how to pronounce the words. Even the way she asks for help has changed. Instead of struggling with pronouncing the word now she asks which way it is said. Still feeling out the silent letters and the different sounds vowels make.

Maria Montessori said, “One test of the correctness of educational procedure is the happiness of the child.”

This is so true and just reassures me that we made the right decision. If she isn’t comfortable and happy with her learning environment she isn’t going to learn or more importantly retain that learning.