Sometimes we forget just how caustic some situations are to us.
We removed our selves and started to heal…..but then we start to think…..maybe it wasn’t that bad.
Sometimes its because we love the people but not how caustic they were to us.
Sometimes it’s because we are so used to the drama so to speak we think we are missing something.
When it includes people we love…..its harder. We want to know whats going on in their lives but we don’t want the feelings that come after.
For me it was feelings of inadequacy , questioning my self, increase in my anxiety to panic levels, and generally just grumpy angry.
It took me years in therapy to get up the courage to actually break those contacts.
Therapy helped me see that it wasn’t always about me. It’s still something that I grapple with. It’s not always about me. Don’t take things personally. It may be that it was not intended to be a personal attack. It may be that they are projecting their issues on me. Wow can I hear the therapy speak in that!
What it did do was make me really look at myself. Who am I really? Do I really feel this way? The question that kept coming up was if I would not allow someone to talk to my daughter the way I was being spoken to……then why was I allowing them to talk to me that way. It came to a time that regardless that they were people I loved, I couldn’t allow them to speak to me that way if I wouldn’t allow them to speak to my daughter that way. It wasn’t something that I did lightly. It was something I could have handled better. I could tell you all the excuses .
Reasons….why I handled it the way I did. In the end though it has been best for myself and my family.
The peace that has come has been very slow. I was first able to enjoy more fully the life I did have with the people who mattered most. Not because they loved me the most, not because they had the most money, but because even when they disagreed with my decisions they positively supported me. Then slowly I started to realize how stressed a lot of those situations had been. I almost felt like I was forgetting something. In a way…I was. I was forgetting that taking care of myself is just as important. That I can preach about self care and emotional health and well being and being proactive about physical health, but if I wasn’t doing it in my own life then who was really listening?
Some of these situations are only six months old……some of them are two years old….some of them are two and half years old. Time does make it easier, but so does frequent self analysis. Am I stopping to check in with me? Am I doing okay? Really? Why am I focusing on something that I agreed needed to be done? Why am I second guessing myself?
The truth of the matter is……its the hard stuff that makes me second guess myself the most. Cutting ties. Cutting it out of my life. Some of it was just cold turkey. Some of it I had to wean myself off of.
The truth of the matter is….If we never look back…we won’t see how far we have come. I need to remember to be patient with myself in this.