Monthly Archives: October 2014

Happiness/contentment/rage/thankful/happiness :TTOT 71

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”Ten

Saturday

1. Pridefest, we helped our church run the booth there. It was so rewarding and my daughter had a great time. We had a great discussion on the way to the festival. Although the whole conversation about people should be able to marry who they love, regardless of gender, went a way I didn’t expect.
“So I can marry Joey Kenzie and Hayden?”

“What about a parent marrying their kid.”

Yeah wasn’t really ready to talk about THAT!

However, we did have a good talk and she really enjoyed herself as well.

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Sunday

2. We had a great time at my friends birthday party. Even though we were the only ones able to make it. The kid had fun playing with Princess P. We roasted Marshmellows over the fire and had pizza. It was simple and very enjoyable.

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Monday

3. New feast place, vegetarian organic and reasonably priced for a friend of mine and I to go to on our weekly lunch date. It will do much to keep us on track eating healthy.

Plus I just have to add: I bought the rainbow t the farmers market. This lasted us four days. Well , we do still have a few eggs left.  And I think a kiwi.  Oh wait. I forgot about the broccoli but that is for lunch today so gone in Five days.

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Tuesday

4. Rainbow juice in the morning and saved the pulp for a delicious dinner as well. If that is not multipurpose I don’t know what is.  The rainbow juice did not layer like the website said.. Spinach kale cucumber celery Apple pineapple carrots beets purple sweet potato  ginger and lemon. It was however very delicious!  Then for dinner I took the kale and spinach pulp that I had put aside and mixed it in with brown rice and Pearl Barley. Then took the beet and sweet potato pulp added olive oil and salt.  Baked chicken in lemon juice.

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5. I could say a comment by a family member rubbed me wrong. I could focus on that. That however would not be productive. Instead I am focusing on the fact that I banged out a new blog post and it was very very very well received.  I know a lot of people follow my blog and facebook page. Internet friends are real and some of the comments were just the balm my soul needed.  Read my rant here. 

Wednesday

What happened Wednesday? I am actually not sure. It is totally besides the point that I am writing this on Thursday and I am honestly having trouble recalling the past twenty four hours. Lets look at the pictures in my phone…….

6.  Ah yes. I took a walk babywearing my friends eight week old and managed to do three miles and only a few minutes behind what I normally do. Carrying  twelve to fourteen pound baby easily ups those calories by 100.

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Thursday
7. Grateful for a friend who pulled me out of my funk after my four mile walk. I was ready for it. The rest of my day I had planned out, didn’t go that way. Sometimes my ocd/anxiety really gets the best of me.

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This was me right before we went for my walk. I had to drop off my daughter at school first. Rocking the eighties workout look. Just needed leg warmers and a headband. I also weighed in on Thursday and lost another pound. Was finishing my juice on the way to meet my walking partner.

8. Grateful for friends who understand my need to help whenever I can, and take care of my kid. Went with  my other friend to Tampa to take her Eight week old to the doctor for a follow up from lip and tongue tie. I have lived in Florida all my life but these scenes never get old.

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Friday.

9. A beautifully perfect morning not even seventy degrees with a nice breeze for a walk with friends.

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Although my pedometer did not work due to lack of signal, I am sure this counts as todays exercise. Yes we climbed the stairs to the top. 76.1 feet.

10. We got an unexpected payment from Workmen’s comp from hubby’s thumb injury in July.

okay well.. Before I got the mail and saw the check I was going to list my corn intolerant problem as a thankful for weird reasons people with gastrointestinal issues will really understand. I couldn’t bring myself to delete it. So think of it as a bonus.

 We ran to the store this morning. I got some juice. The brand I normally get was not on sale. I grabbed the one for sale. Luckily I had only drank two oz or there abouts before realizing it had 91 kernels of corn in it. Corn intolerant.  It might be an odd thing to be thankful for. However, it has cleaned out my intestinal tract.  You never realize how much those suckers can hold until they are letting loose. HOWEVER, I don’t feel nearly as bloated anymore. Also grateful I can just rest and relax and recover from that.

Don’t you dare!

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Don’t you dare call me lazy.

Don’t you dare tell me I need to get off my bum more.

Don’t you dare tell me I need to exercise more.

I will not go back on medications that allowed me to work but, were killing my liver and kidneys.

I have a daughter and a husband that need me to stick around. I don’t know if you know this or not, you don’t live very long once your liver and kidneys start failing. I want to live.

I have to convince my body every day that getting up out of bed is a good thing. That just because I slept horribly doesn’t mean I can ignore my daughter. Doing actual cardio type work-out is not realistic of a person with Fibromyalgia. We do five minutes of Cardio, and feel like we did three hours of cardio. I started slow and small. Ten minute walks and it was brutal. I often had to lay down or rest for at least thirty minutes if not longer. People with normal bodies can start an exercise routine. They can increase weekly. People with fibro bodies can maybe increase every three months. We inch our way up to a decent workout. I personally pushed myself and moved up by half mile increments. It has taken me almost three years to get up to four miles twice a week. Sometimes after my four mile walk. It is all I can do to function again at two forty five to go get my daughter from school, by three fifteen. Some days they hardly bother me. I have slowly increased (read seconds) my pace to get it under twenty minute miles. Now please explain to me what kind of employer will accept that kind of work schedule. I can’t tell you in advance, “Oh on Thursday I am not going to be able to function.” There are nights I literally go to bed thinking, “hey, I am feeling pretty decent.” Only to wake up feeling like a mack truck just ran me over a bulldozer came after and then I was used as a punching bag.

I get comments like, “Well if you can do four mile walks you can work.”

“I am so glad you know my body better than me.” Do you see any of what happens after that walk? NO, you don’t. Most of the time because I am sucking it up and functioning at some level for my daughter.

What you don’t realize is, walking and standing are two totally different things. I can walk and walk and walk. I can push myself to walk. Standing is a whole nother matter. I can stand for about five minutes. Fifteen minutes my hips and knees and ankles are screaming. I often push myself to do twenty minutes at a time. However, I rarely make the entire twenty minutes standing in one place.

What you are failing to realize when you call me lazy, is I am not you. Your body responds to different stimuli differently than my body will. I maybe young but I am dealing with a body that is falling apart.

Unless you are paying for my food, don’t tell me how I need to eat. Real fresh food is expensive. I don’t always have the money to get fruit and veggies from the farmers market. When I was working, I not only did not have the money, I did not have the time OR the energy. Supplements are great. I highly recommend taking supplements. However, they too cost money. It annoys me how much they cost. However, they work and they help, so I keep at it. Sometimes, I just need to eat emotionally. When I do, I don’t need someone criticizing my choice. I know it is horrible. I often will eat extra carefully for several days afterwards. We all have a balance. Sometimes I can maintain my balance. Sometimes I need to eat my feelings.

Next time you go to tell someone “You look fine, stop being lazy, get off your bum,” Maybe you should use your brain and think. Maybe just maybe you should ask that person how they are doing? How they are REALLY doing. Then all you have to do is listen, truly listen. I often won’t tell people how much I am hurting. I am here I am functioning I am okay. So the answer you get is . I am fine. I get tired of complaining. I get tired of giving any of my pain any kind of attention, even if it is just to acknowledge it is there.

If you could step into my brain for even just an hour. If you could hear my inner dialogue. If you could hear how hard I am on myself.If you could feel the frustration my brain has over the limitations of my body. You would think twice before speaking.

Stop judging people who live with invisible chronic illness and start truly helping us.

And the floor felt out from underneath……TTOT #70

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Ten Things of Thankful Link up

Saturday

1.Clean floors. It may seem silly but it is really hard work for me. So much so that I count it as my exercise for the day. I put it off a bit too long and ended up having to do the floors twice to get them clean but now my feet and my OCD are happy again. It makes such a difference just having clean floors.

Sunday

2. A good stretch of sleep. While I can’t say a good nights sleep I  seem to have found that medicating again at two or three am helps immensely. There was nothing stopping me before. By that time it has been over six hours since last medication. I just don’t like taking them if I can get away with it. But two nights of getting a good three solid hours has made such a difference in my mornings.

And That is as far as I got writing down my thankfuls each day.

Monday 

3. I had my first pay check from writing to go grocery shopping with. I wanted to buy ALL THE THINGS.  Kale, cucumbers, squash, carrots, apples, ginger, lemons, Spinach! Farm fresh eggs!

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4. I had the energy to go to four stores in a row and put away the groceries after my cleaning job.  Really that is quite impressive for my muscle spams and arthritis to put up with.

Tuesday

5.  We are continuing our walking.  Four miles in on Tuesday.

6. I got to snuggle not only squish but play with Princess P as well.

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Wednesday

Wednesday I learned my brother in law is moving out. It leaves so much up in the air. I literally felt like the world was falling apart around me.  The ground I walked on no longer secure. While I understand I also know I am not quite where I need to be to work part time.  I am getting there and felt it would be possible soon. All things happen for a reason and this has taught me:

7. My support network is larger than I thought.

8. Baby snuggles and emotional eating go a long way to right the wrongs you feel.

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Thursday

9. Really there is only one word. Batmobile.

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Also I was slightly happy to see my twisted sense of sarcastic humor re-emerging. Is it just me or does that light look like a penis hanging from the ceiling?

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Friday 

10. In an effort to prepare myself for what maybe coming I walked four miles again.  Two days in a row.

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As a bonus. The kid no longer is too anxious to have a brother or sister.

For real mommy this is what babies do?
Yes if you had a brother or sister this is what you would have to listen to for at least a year before you would have someone to play with.
I am good with no babies then.

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Wednesday was a super low day. Thursday’s walk burned not just calories but obviously being able to talk things out with a friend I burnt some emotional stress as well. I fell asleep soon after my walk. I don’t remember falling asleep. Just waking up worried I missed pick up time for the kid. Problem solving has started and dealing with reality has started. Even if that means ,I am not sure what that means. One step at at time, one problem at a time.

The hollows of homework hell.

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When I think back to homework during my childhood. I normally remember how much it seemed I had. I remember that more than talking back and forth between a parent and me. I was doing my homework. They were doing there thing. It must be a childhood block. Because that is sooooo not what happens at our house now.  Don’t get me wrong, I would not trade this kid for anything. Sometimes though, I just wish she would DO her homework.

The alarm goes off 2:45pm. (Yes I set my alarm for just about everything. )

I glare at it.

Fine fine, we start this dance.

I do drive to the school. This is also my reading time. My me all to myself time.  Some days the alarm goes off again at 3:13pm incredibly quickly. I was sucked into the book world. Other days it ticks by. The clock and I have arguments. Oh come on it has got to have been at least five minutes.

It is now time to walk up to the school and pick the kid up.

I enjoy looking into her room and waiting for her to notice me. It does not take even a minute. It is like our bond is so strong she just knows. The smile that lights up her face. It is pretty awesome thing. The happy chattering about her day as we walk back to the car, I wouldn’t trade for the world. It is when we get home that well the next two hours I would rather just skip.

It is homework time. The time of the day my brain gets the most workout. Calculating how much I am spending on groceries and store hoping to get the best deal is much easier than this. Having A.D.D. myself means I have to be on the ball. I can easily get just as distracted as her.

She has a requirement to read thirty minutes a day. However with the amount of interruptions she takes, I make her read an hour. It equals thirty minutes. Trust me.

It goes a lot like this. She has snack and her supplement for A.D.D. She takes the dog outside for  a few minutes.

3:45pm

“Get your book and get comfy.”

“okay, I am ready.”

I set the timer for sixty minutes.

She opens the book. I watch her reading the page for a few minutes. I start my work.

She puts the book down and stretches.

“uh hem. Read!”

“I was stretching!”

I just silently roll my eyes.

She needs help with a word.

Instead of going back to reading silently, she reads out loud.

” read silently please. I am trying to write while you read.”

“Okay. It can be distracting huh?”

“Yes it can.”

She then proceeds to try and launch into ways she can keep herself from getting distracted.

Sigh.

“We can discuss this later, please read.” I say tiredly.

We finally reach the thirty minute mark. Oh yes. The THIRTY minute mark. Halfway done.

“I can’t read in this room. The air is blowing my hair in my face.”

“Nice try, READ!”

We finally reach the end of reading time.  So now comes the really fun part!

” Okay go write a summary of what you read on your reading log.”

She gets a pencil and sits down. I go to the bathroom.

I come back out to find her singing and the half a cucumber that had been on the table from juicing at snack time is now sliced.  I was gone maybe two minutes.

” Write your summary!”

“I am!”

“so how did the cucumber get sliced and you are not at the table and you are singing?”

“Well I only ate one slice!”

” That is not writing your summary. That is not focusing!”

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmm.”

At this point I just point to her log sheet.

She writes her summary. She read all that time and her summary was “shes starting her journey to find the bad things.” She read twelve pages.  This is one I don’t mess with. Good enough.  I scribble my initials next to it.  I have finished checking everything I need to check and start dinner.

Math multiplication practice. We have been using  Thatquiz.com. It is a lot like flashcards. It also has a handy tool that gives me feedback and tells me what her recall is and how many she is getting right and wrong.

This part normally goes pretty well. She has to do three sessions. Each session is ten minutes long. Each time she is done she comes and tells me what her score was and what her recall is.

Well the first two do. The last one. She is in the living room I am in the dining room. Suddenly I hear more singing and talking.

“is your math done?”

“ALMOST!!”

A few minutes later she comes in to tell me her score and her recall.

“Now I need to look up my vocabulary words and read the meaning of the words.”

” Yes so go do that.”

She leaves. Singing and talking and bouncing.

She comes back. “Um I need my homework packet to look at the words”

This serves two purposes as they are also her spelling words. She has to type them in, so she is spelling it out , finding the letters, checking that she typed it in correctly. Then the reading. It seems to be just the right mix for her.  She looks up ten words…………it takes her thirty minutes. Singing the word. singing the letters. singing the definition. singing about whatever she thinks of. “NEXT WORD!” and we start over. Singing the word, singing the letters, singing the definition. Singing to the dog. If I am not on top of her she is soon dancing with the dog. “NEXT WORD!”  Singing the word, singing the letters, singing the definition. Chasing the cat. “NEXT WORD!” If I say more than that it will turn into an argument prolonging the homework. Typically this is when I am cooking dinner as well. So between yelling Next Word I am making sure the chicken doesn’t burn and the veggies are cooked. Some days I am trying to decompress from the day watching Criminal Minds or Law and Order or something along those lines while dinner is cooking. It all depends on how much I got done during the day when she was at school.

We start around 3:45pm. Homework is done, good enough anyway by six pm.

Dinner, shower and then she may possibly get thirty minutes to watch tv. That is the plan anyway. Sometimes I am so done that I forget what time it is and she is up past her bedtime.

 

 

Not easier just different

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When you bring that newborn baby home from the hospital, there are so many fears. Is she eating okay? Is she getting enough? Is she breathing right? You analyize everything, right down to the poop.  Is she ready for solid foods? How do I KNOW for sure she is ready?  All these thoughts on basic survival run through your head. Then people tell you it gets easier.

Oh sure there is the toddler phase, with its own challenges. However most of the time we have the idea of basic survival down. We survived the first year. Perhaps this kid does have a chance! By this time we have the whole food thing down, mostly. This is why it makes perfect sense that toddlers start to insert their independence. Mostly by requesting food/drink and then refusing it. This is when I felt it most acutely that parenting was more than just making sure they survive.

At Five years, you can laugh at their confidence on conquering the world. Well, most of the time, when you are not clutching your chest in anxiety as they climb a tree. Confident that they will reach that bird nest no problem. You want them to explore and learn. You also want to wrap them in bubble wrap at the same time.

When you bring that new baby home and they scream and cry,we wish they could talk.  Just please please please tell me what the heck you want! Now I have learned that talking is not necessarily a good thing.  For example : “Mommy this dinner is disgusting! ” She ate it just fine last week.  “I didn’t eat my cheese stick because I wanted the all orange cheese stick not the white and orange. ” This after the ten minute discussion about what cheese stick TO pack. There are definitely days that having a kid that talks is over-rated.

While the basics at nine are pretty down pat. Yes, they really do need to eat dinner every night.  There is much more I feel constantly unprepared for.  Somethings I felt we had time to prepare for,the sex talk.  While it has been in parts here and there, it started much earlier than I expected.  So far, we have only had to approach how babies come out, not in.  I have been researching how to have the in talk but, I am totally okay if she is not interested until she is eighteen. Maybe. Somethings were much heavier, Why isn’t there housing for the homeless? Why does nobody do that?  Now my fears are more complex. Am I hindering her by not talking about it? Am I making something worse by talking about it? Am I making sure she is growing up to not be an asshole when she is an adult? Am I teaching compassion well enough? Am I teaching gratitude enough? Are they just empty words, thank you, or does she really understand the meaning? Is this really what nine year olds are like? Is she normal? Am I balancing her physical health and mental health?Am I nourishing her spiritual health?  Am I teaching her how to balance her physical health and mental health?

The first couple years are labor intensive. Then you hit a certain point and it is no longer so much labor intensive as it is mentally intensive. Some days it truly is hard to out think a nine year old.  Some days the constantly thinking part wears me out more than just meeting her physical needs.

I think for me a lot of the times my fears and doubts are spurred because I remember being her age. I remember how I was feeling. I see so much of myself in her. True there is deffinetely a strong contribution from my husband. I remember how deeply I felt emotions at that age. I felt even the smallest critisim as a verbal tongue lashing. I felt the elated feeling of happiness with every fiber of my soul.  It is just how we are. We feel deeply. I want to protect her from all the dangers to emotional and mental health that entails. At the same time, I know I can’t.

 

This is the million and one things Mothers think about. Some Fathers as well. This parenting thing, I don’t think it gets easier, it is just different.

Save your pennies!

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In September I spoke about Guest at your table, a charity, and how we are going to take a more active role.

Please take a second and go read it! Here

This may seem like a hard subject to talk about. I think the fact that it is based on pocket change makes it a bit easier to explain to kids.  I also feel it is something that we need to be teaching our kids. As a parent, I am always questioning myself. More than just her physical needs. Am I feeding her emotional needs? Am I feeding her spiritual needs? Am I making sure she is not overly spoiled but yet feels loved?

By starting with just collecting pennies it has also lead to other, more complex, questions. How does ten cents feed a family? Why is their food so much cheaper than ours? Why isn’t anyone doing anything about this?  I am not going to lie, it is hard to talk about. It is hard to talk about as an adult. However, I firmly believe that it is never too early to teach gratitude for what you do have.  I also think it is never too late to start.

I don’t know about you but, the constant asking for stuff wears me out. It is just stuff. It is not anything she needs. We have been trying to instill in her, while it is nice to get presents, the true value is in having someone’s presence. Spending time with family and friends you love is more important than stuff.  In a child’s mind this can be a hard thing to swallow. However we are starting to see our teaching paying off. She is looking for the good part of every situation more and more.

The added bonus is of course when you are constantly trying to make sure they see the good side of things, you also see it more.

 

Well crap Ten Things of Thankful #69

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A blank screen.

That is what I have.

I somehow completely forgot to write things down daily. Now thinking back over the week my brain is all

“uh what?”

So reconstructing through pictures. I am fairly good at least at taking one photo a day. At least one.  Otherwise the days often blur together. It is shocking to me how little not writing down the good almost blots it from my brain.  I could tell you what days I had poor sleep. I could tell you what days I woke up feeling very much like a zombie. I could tell you what part of my back bothered me the most. It is amazing to me how quickly the dark can over power the light. I am glad I had pictures of the happy things. It has also renewed my desire to keep taking pictures daily. Lots and lots and lots of pictures.

SUNDAY

1. My daughter was almost literally bouncing off the walls because it was her Sunday to pass out the order of service at the door.

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2. We went for a walk after taking hubby to work, my daughter and I. It was a great walk. It was exactly what I needed.

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Monday

3. APPLES! The apples are back the apples are back! All the apples. Any apple you can think of this farmers market most likely has them.

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4. Also This. This deliciousness was a special treat. I like sodas but this , this is a special treat.

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Tuesday

5. I did go on my walk so four miles down. We even shaved a few seconds off our pace.

Then I had a committee meeting.

Wednesday

6. I am so thankful that I get to be part of my friends kids lives. This guy right here was starting to really show some great progress on holding his head up all on his own. Six weeks, they have flown by.

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Thursday

7. We had a nice walk to school Thursday morning. That little white dot above the trees. That was the moon. We probably stood there for a good five minutes just looking at it. To which my daughter summed it up. That shadow really does look like a man. There really is a man in the moon.

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8. It has been slow and steady weight loss and this mark seemed to be eluding me but finally. Finally I got there.  Also Thursday I walked  almost five miles.

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Friday

9. Went for a walk today and forgot how much I missed hearing the church bells.

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10. I did not mean to capture this expression. Some people walked in behind me and said something. This look though… it is priceless! We go almost every friday normally as a family to have frozen yogurt.  My daughter looks forward to it all week long.

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Well look at that, now I am not feeling so bad about my week!

This post is part of the Ten Things of Thankful Blog Hop.

Check it out!

While you are here though, Tell me what you are thankful for in the comments!

Silver grey black and white Ten Things of Thankful #68

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Sometimes depression comes in slowly.

Ever so slowly going from white clouds to light grey.

Slowly the light silverish grey turns to dark grey clouds, billowing bigger and bigger.

Before you know it they are out and out black. Deep and dark and you have no idea how it happened so quickly.

It is really sneaky that way.

There are other times though, that its like a solid wall of black just slams into you.

No warning.

In the end though I have great friends who just know. The perfectly timed text or even a share on Facebook to my wall.

Frequent comments on my Ten Things of Thankful posts, which keep me going back to the blog hop. Keeps me going back to the positive.

I didn’t do my writing every day this week. I tried and it just wasn’t working.  Sometimes I forget that little steps are still steps.  Progress is progress. The fact that I can even look back and see the progress: priceless.

Sunday

1. One of my daughters friends from school came to church. She was really excited about it. When I picked her up from Sunday class I was really touched by their chalice they had set up.

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2. It may have taken me nine years but I got a second picture with that pissed off look. The funny thing is… neither time did I mean to capture that expression. It just happened.

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Monday

3.  I was published again and it seems to be a subject a lot of people relate to, having only one child.

 

4. For beautiful sunrises.

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Tuesday

5. Perfect Pomegranate.  Even if I ate so much I upset my stomach. Worth it.

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6. I got my four mile walk in with my friend.   I definitely felt it but it feels good to stay on track.

Wednesday 

7. Autumn Squash soup is back.. My lunch date was not to sure what to think about this eating thing Auntie Erin was doing. Thankful for friends who let me spoil there kids with snuggles.

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Thursday

8. Play time with Princess P and catching up with her Mom. Even if she did sit on my purse and pee on it. Potty training. What can you do.

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9. Thankful for friends who also spoil my kid. Even if she has her own sense of fashion. The shirt looks amazing on her.

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Friday

10. For a great Friday Frozen Yogurt trip……. and the priceless perfectly timed two year old declaration of YUCK!  Followed by the same two year old little parrot who said I got mommys in the cutest voice!

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