Tag Archives: words

thanks for the nudge universe

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Saturday I woke up feeling like crap. No, not even crap. I felt worse than crap. I was thankful my daughter was able to feed herself and watch TV. I tried to be gentle with myself. I tried to tell myself I had pushed so many limits and needed the rest. There is this thing, called Mommy Guilt. It was a gorgeous day out. I should be doing something with her. I should not be letting her watch so much TV. It took an hour of me wrestling with Mommy guilt and how I felt physically. It took me that hour to convince myself that taking the kid to a playground was a good idea. It will be outside. The sun will be good for you. Moving a little will make it better. She will get her energy out. But I have to MOVE. I have to drive. I don’t want to drive. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to walk.  Then I got tired of my own whining.The problem with your body feeling like complete crap, your brain is often just fine. My brain is often going a mile a second. Feeling like crap often doesn’t curb that at all. Fine, we are going. I texted a few friends to see if they wanted to meet at the playground. At least then I would not feel bad about not walking. I could sit and socialize. It was also  a way to keep convincing myself to keep moving. No go. Between illness, work, and other activities no one could meet. Fine fine fine fine. My daughter asked if she could bring her soccer ball. Her newest obsession. Sure why not.

 

We got to the park. I made sure we walked first. It took some coaxing. Not just me, but the kid too. I was moving , I just wasn’t exactly happy with it. My body was shrieking louder than anything else.  We walked. Well I walked she kicked the ball around, whined that she wanted to go to the playground. The temp was a really nice sixty four degrees. The winds were easily twenty miles per hour. It was absolutely gorgeous. Okay and yes yes a good fifteen minutes into our walk I was enjoying it. Moving was helping. The beautiful weather and nature was filling me up again. I didn’t even realize I had needed it.  We were not walking to really burn calories. Just to walk.  I did track it on Runkeeper. I think our pace was like 29 minute miles. We walked a total of a mile and a quarter.  We had circled back to the car. I grabbed my water bottle and the book I had brought. I really had just grabbed a book. I tend to have multiple books I am in the middle of.  We wandered over to the playground. She ran off and I settled down at the picnic table to read. I found the book mark I had used. There were words that I had written down. A few months ago.

“But we must not forget that the only person whom we can purify . the only one we can do anything about is ourselves.”

And..

“The same unwholesome mental state may have to be conquered more than once…the formula is recognize no blame change even if that has to be done over and over again.”

The book I was reading : Visible Here and Now: The Buddhist Teachings on the Rewards of Spiritual Practice  by Ayya Khema.

 

There it was. The reminder I needed.  I didn’t even really need to read more.The lesson was right here. I read.I often struggle with feeling I am going backwards. That my mental thought process is returning to old ways. I tend to be a bit harsh on myself. Here was a reminder to leave the blame and just change.  I watched my daughter play letting the words I was reading soak into me.  Really before I knew it and hour had passed. The temperature was falling again.

Did I want to leave my bed earlier that day? Not even remotely.  I did and it was for the best. It empowers me to keep pushing the limits. Keep doing the things I don’t necessarily want to do but need to do.

We had just gotten home. I was back laying in bed. My daughter was reading, or suppose to be. I had posted pictures I snapped while we were walking on Facebook. I was looking at them and holding that peace that flowed when I was walking. A friend messages me that she was jealous of me getting out in nature all the time. Funny because I didn’t want to go out at all.  I get it universe. I get it. The forward and backward dance we tend to do, both physically and mentally, is necessary. It has its purpose. I don’t like it but I get it.  No blame, just step back on the path I want to be on. Step back into the mental thought process I want.

When Mania strikes

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I used to shop……..it was on sale. the kid needs more clothes I need the next size up I need this. I NEED. You could not tell me it was being foolish or ruled by impulse. I have no credit cards now because I have no restraint with them whatsoever. If I feel I need something even if its more like a want, CHARGE IT. I wasn’t always aware of why I needed to shop or why I was doing it even knowing I didn’t really have the money to do it.  It took time in therapy before I realized it.

So with my therapist I tried to focus some of my mania. I am not bipolar. I don’t get caught in the grip like someone with bipolar does. I have Attention Deficit Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with a mix of Anxiety and depression. I still have to balance what is a healthy amount to do all of these. Sometimes I get so focused on them.

I write lists…….I write detailed and long lists that detail each thing I need to do each day. I write out days worth of lists at one sitting sometimes. Its my way of regaining some control. I don’t do good with long term lists. I need to check off each thing. Waiting weeks or months to check it off. Drives. Me. NUTS. I have notebooks that I use and I throw them away when I am done. This is an on and off again thing. I start and stop and a lot of it depends on how out of control I feel, or my life feels.

I clean. I don’t think, I clean. Wash the dishes. Clear the counters, wipe down the counters. Wipe down the appliances. Is that dirt on that wall? Better spray it down. Sweep the floors. Vacuum the floors. Mop the floors. Move the laundry along. Scrub the tub. Sometimes, rarely but sometimes, I even go systematically through each room. Most of the time it’s clear the counters, take something to put it away. Straighten the bathroom counter, move laundry along, go back to the kitchen counter. Do the dishes. I use enough spray cleaner that there is no doubt in anyone’s minds that I cleaned. My hands are dry and wrinkly and probably slightly chemical burned. I don’t pay attention to any of that. I attack the dirt.

I write…. I can’t tell you how many posts I never publish. I type it all out or talk to text it all out. Then erase it. Sometimes it stays in my draft folder for weeks or months, but mostly I delete it. I just needed to get it out. I wouldn’t want to hurt others with thoughts I have so it’s not published. Sometimes I just need to see how I am feeling in black and white. Okay and most of the time with little judgey red squiggly lines that I spelled it wrong, too.

I disregard what I should not eat and eat whatever I want. Normally candy, chocolate pastries. It’s a bit different than when I am pms-ing because I am not always aware I am eating too much until I have a stomach ache. There is something that takes over and whatever it is . It’s all I want. Every day at lunch. Every night after dinner. Whatever it is. This actually I have gotten better at controlling myself over. Mainly from weight gain and how I don’t like what I see anymore. Sometimes that is all it takes. Sometimes it takes more control for this exact reason too.

I go for walks . Long walks by myself. I don’t really think out what is bothering me. Instead I focus on nature. I absorb the peace that nature offers. I walk until I start to think again. Until I start wondering what time it is. How far have I walked? What I am going to eat for lunch. I sit when I need to. I walk. sometimes I stand still. I don’t pay attention to the pain. I don’t give it attention. When I have my camera in my hand nothing else matters. The wonder of nature takes a hold of me too. When I get back to my car its like coming out of a fog but something has settled in my mind and I feel renewed. The angst I am the more I walk. The more the NEED to walk drives my thoughts. I have even been driving somewhere saw a park. Felt the need.  Sent a text…Going to be late and walked til I was satisfied.

I used to be able to do the same thing with reading. To the point that my husband would tell me I loved my books more than him. I would spend days in bed reading if I didn’t have to work. When I was working I wanted to be reading. I can still do this but most of the time I am entirely too tired to do this. I read and fall asleep. I have always had this routine so add Chronic Fatigue from the chronic pain. I fall asleep way to easily reading.

Sticks and Stones…..

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will break my bones but words will never hurt me.

rocks

Remember that. We said it. However I don’t think we realized until much later that it wasn’t true. In fact there was nothing true about it at all. It surprised me how old the saying is. When I looked it up on Phrasefinder..It was an old adage by 1862. I think it shows how much we want words to not harm us.

Words hurt. Words can be brutal. Words once spoken can peck away at you over and over until you believe them. Its easier to believe words that bring you down than those that lift you up.

Sometimes its a continual conscience decision to think positively. There are some words that are just cruel. There are some words that haunt. Often its from people closest to us.

I don’t know which ones hurt more the ones from those who know us or the ones who don’t know us. It took me quite a while to get to the point that hurtful words from someone who doesn’t know me doesn’t bother me for long. Easily less than a day. A few times I barely gave their comment a thought.

The sad truth is that words can be abusive, harmful and even detrimental to your health.The sad truth is most people won’t admit that.  The sad truth is the emotional/verbal abuse is often overlooked. Its often made to be very insignificant and trivial

It takes a long time to recover from it. Then there is a little part that never recovers from it. Its always there whispering to you at just the right time. When that little area is prone to be vulnerable.

Even after four years of therapy it still gets me.

I find myself wanting to protect others from it. To help them get out of that situation or environment.

I can’t save everyone. I know that. But I want to.  What I can do is be here, listening, offering words of encouragement and advice. Sometimes I forget how helpful that can be. How powerful that can be in someone’s life.

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When you deal with a chronic illness that is not visible, people say things. Not only do we have to deal with what others say, we also tend to be pretty harsh on ourselves as well. There are many days that I struggle to get up and get going. To get out of bed. I want to. I plan to. Then I am waking up all over again. I struggle with my own feelings that I am being lazy and irresponsible. Others comment…What have you done all day? Its easy to agree with them. It takes alot to say. I survived today. I kept breathing, I slept. I am still alive!

I found that if I wrote down what I planned to do that day. I felt like I accomplished something when I crossed off something. Even if that was take pills. Eat. take a shower. When I started that I would get ridiculously long lists. It was then that I realized just how much energy went into each little seemingly insignificant task.  It seems simple to some people to just drive my daughter to school and come back. Why would I need to rest or recover from that? It seems like they have valid reason to say I am being lazy. That I don’t want to work.

Words. They often carry much more weight than we give them credit for. Sometimes they can be a judgement. It doesn’t matter if it is a justified judgement or not. The damage is done the moment they are said.  Often without thought of the inner struggle of what someone is going through.

Its something I still struggle with. I say things without thinking of what the other person is going through.  Its hard to remember that.

My daughter and I like to listen to guided meditations at night. Not every night but at least once a week. Its helpful to remember to take a breath and think first.

rocks-and-bamboo

 

A few years ago I would not have seen the wisdom in choosing all my words carefully. Sometimes I don’t.  I am not perfect at this. I still wish to make sure my words are only helpful. I find when I don’t watch what I am saying its often in a venting session. Those I feel are okay. In fact they are needed.  Balancing  meditation, peace, helpfulness to others and our own need to vent frustrations is something that I think we never master. It is a worthwhile endeavor though. Its something that helps us thrive in our illness. I will do everything in my power to thrive. Even if that means reading sticky notes with positive mantra’s multiple times a day.Even if that means slowly shedding my eeyeore shell and becoming more like Tigger.