Tag Archives: types of pain

Brain don’t listen to the body.

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If I had listened to my body. I would not have gotten out of bed this morning.  If it had been just my dogs needing to walk..I may have put off getting up a few more hours.

My body begged for mercy.  I left my boys to my brother in law and my husband.  If I get up and going and don’t think too much I can get my motivation before my brain figures it out. Its mostly a daily battle like this between brain and body. Most of the time there is a kid fueling this battle a bit more.   A few slurps of coffee. get clothes on. Medicate. Top of coffee and out the door.

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Neeka needed to run.

She needed her time at the paw park.

Today I planned on exploring this new trail I found behind the paw park. My body was less than thrilled with this idea.  So I sat on the bench and tossed balls for Neeka and hoped the medications kicked in. or the coffee.  Even still forty five minutes later Neeka is making it obvious she is done sniffing butts and chasing tennis balls. Ugh.  This is where I like walking dogs.  She just pulls me along for the first few minutes.

We stop for her to romp in the little stream first.

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There is just something about watching her that makes it hard to stay in my grumpy in pain mood.   So off we go. I have a small water bottle…alot less than what I would prefer to have. It was enough though.

The first bit I know I trudged. I kept looking around desperately for something to catch my interest. A few minutes later I check my pedometer. I know in my head what I want to hit for my goal. I just don’t know if I had it in me today. Then I made myself promise not to check the pedometer again til I got in the car. Just breathe. Just be. I wasn’t going to listen to my muscles protesting. I wasn’t listening to my joints creek.

The majority of this trail was in the blazing sun. Probably not the best time of day to be taking this walk along this particular path.

We come to a bench and Neeka catches a grasshoper and her frolicking was just so cute. So we start off again with a renewed determination to enjoy this. This is the last day I am kid free. This time is for me.

I start looking around with renewed interest and determination. I see this dock across from us. I can see it with some warm tone embellished by instagram.

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The forgotten dock. There were vines crawling all over it and it just looked so serene. This…This is what I need.

 

Now my drive is in full gear. We follow a side trail off a little ways. Its shady and we definitely needed the break from the beating sun. Neeka found some grass that looked yummy. I realized from our previous trips to the paw park she likes to eat this tall willowy grass. After the first day and no vomit or bathroom problems I let it go.

We rounded a corner and it was like we found a place that time had forgotten.

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I was struck by the beauty. A little piece I hadn’t realized I had been holding on to just released. I wasn’t listening anymore to my body, I wasn’t listening anymore to how hot it was. I was there.

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It didn’t seem like I had to look very far to find something interesting.  A large butterfly flittered by.  An owl took off from a branch right next to me. Its wings so quiet for such a large bird. That quiet space in my brain was where I was. It was where I had wanted to be. Where I had needed to be more than I realized.

We wondered around in the back shady trails. Not really with any intent. Just enjoying the trail. When it forked we went the way that looked the most interesting.

Dogs are great companions like that. They don’t need to talk, or bark, but when you do they are attentive. Sometimes we chased a smell down a little side trail. Sometimes we followed my curiosity. It didn’t matter.

I let Neeka off her lead for a bit. Trusting her to come back. I have been on other hikes with her owners and her. I knew she did this with them.

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I tossed sticks out into the tiny little rivulet of a stream. She happily chased after them..pounced on them…and brought them back. Where she promptly dropped it and then rolled all over it. It was her stick. It made her happy.

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How can you not laugh at her antics? She takes so much joy from such a small thing.

I was running out of water so it was time to head back.

We came to the end of the trail and up the few steps to the water fountain. Refilled my water bottle and gulped it down. Promising myself to take it slower with the next one.  I refilled it again and dumped that one all over Neeka. Cooling her off a bit.  Refilled again and walked to the car.

Finally checked the pedometer. I knew by how my body was starting to scream it was at least a mile and half. It was 1.87 miles.

Hot and sweaty we rolled the windows down and Neeka prompty put her head out the window.

Once we got home we did a short walk around the block. Goal achieved. 2.0 miles. You may think wow thats alot. You may think thats barely a walk. Keep in mind it took me an hour and half on the trail to achieve that plus the fifteen minutes to walk the block.

I jumped in the pool shortly after that. Just floated around. Letting my muscles enjoy that weightless feeling. A few dips under the water. Some more floating.

Took a shower to finish it off. Plus the amount that I sweated on that trail was ridiculous.

I left Neeka curled up on the futon sound asleep.

Driving home I feel renewed. Refreshed. Centered and connected.

I may have Fibromyalgia but I don’t have to listen to it all the time. I have gotten pretty good at knowing when its just normal groaning and when it is flare groaning. As much as I don’t want to move. I know my body needs it. Much more than it will admit.  So most days I tell my brain not to listen to what my body is saying. To just push through it. To just do what needs to be done. Sometimes that means I am gritting my teeth literally. My TMJ doesn’t like it and yes in the long run it raises my pain level. Sometimes I have no choice but to get what needs to be done. Then sometimes I push myself because I know I need it. Even if my body won’t admit it.

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Am I in pain?

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     This was asked by my primary care physician after the first eighteen months of parenthood. It  was not the reason for my visit but she said you look different is everything okay. I said sure you know just new parent stuff. She says…eighteen months later is not new parent stuff. Tell me more. Are you in pain daily? What is going on? Now let me say I had this doctor for several years prior to even getting pregnant. In fact she is the one who referred me to infertility specialist and told me not to give up. Pretty safe to say she knew me pretty well. 

My answer was no. not really. I mean..what kind of pain are we talking about? I am not in the same pain I was in labor. That I can’t get comfortable no matter what I do everything just hurts pain. I wasn’t in the pain after delivery when they had to massage my uterus( read hot stabby knife pain). Nope not having any of that. She said well lets start with sleep, whats your sleep pattern like?  Um, I wake up pretty much every hour and half. Not because the baby is awake I just wake up I don’t know why. So she says muscle wise how are you feeling? oh they ache and pull easily. Energy? zilch. Thus began my journey. This was the first time I had thought maybe there was something else going on. My therapist had been the one to suggest I go in for an actual physical and not just a routine check up. It was a really good idea.

I saw a rhuematologist and eventuallly several pain management doctors and even a gastroenteroligist. All helping me define the different areas of pain. The joint pain and the bone pain , the actual makes me clinch my jaw because it hurts pain and the grumpy gut pain of IBS. It was all new territory to me. I spent hours reading medical articles.

I started journalling my pain issues and my rhuematologist whom I love suggested some alternative methods.I advocate that people explore these. I found for the most part they are great for temporary relief. However the chronic fatigue that I find myself in from functioning with high levels of pain makes them very tiring. Chiropractic adjustment , accupuncture, Herbal supplements all helped me,for a bit. I found I no longer enjoyed going to them as it was just one more thing in my daily routine to function through.

                 I tried massage and again that worked well. The problem with massage is finding the right therapist. Not only one whom you like but who understands your conditions. Unfortunately the one I went to that I absolutely adored retired. She would never let me tell her what hurt. She told me my body would tell me and she would go from there. I can say it never once failed her. Not only that she knew with in minutes if something wasn’t working and would switch. I began to look forward to my twenty minutes on friday. It took some trial and error but I could only stand about twenty minutes before it was too much. More trial and error stuff. She remarked one time about three months into seeing her that she knew I had the truest form of fibromyalgia because where my muscles needed attention varied every single time she worked on me. She was also the one to teach me the value of meditation. Even while doiing things like taking a shower or even doing the dishes.  We would do the two together sometimes and man after that I felt like I could take on the world.

   There are so many types of pain. There is the dull achey muscle pain. Sensitive to the touch skin pain, Nerve pain, of white hot daggers moving through you, areas of numbness,tingly, and a bad sunburn feeling. A pulled muscle feeling of pain, stiff joints that don’t want to move at all pain. The wibbly wobbly jelly not feeling steady on your feet pain.  None of these are easy to describe to someone else let alone a doctor. This is where I would spend hours researching what the pain is called in the medical field and how to accurately describe it to a doctor. 

      I really wasn’t a pop a pill and move on kind of person. I tried all kinds of variations of the above stuff. It took me two years to reach the point that i started asking for medications. It took another two years before I asked for some pain medication of some kind. I remember going to that same primary care doctor and I remember her saying this isn’t working. I said I just need something to let me not feel for a bit. I can’t say the choices in medications was the greatest. It was however my choice and the ones I asked for and we discussed why i wanted that particular medication. It did give me about a month of just not feeling. I was able to function and felt better. Then it stopped working like that and it did give my asthma a break and my joints a cushion so we continued. We continued for alot longer than we had anticipated and this is the first time my allergies have been able to flare my asthma in a long long time.

So when people ask how my pain is, I have gotten pretty adept at lumping it. I try not to analyze any one area too much and give it attention. Once I give it attention its harder to just push on. I don’t often think about what particularly  is bothering me that day. If I give it attention it whines. It starts saying hey hey hey you I am here. 

We just learn to push past that and focus on what needs to be done. Get up, get dressed,take meds, pack lunchbox for kid, get kid to school. I have gotten pretty good at focusing on the RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE aspect of life.

I spend alot of time thinking the details of the day. Okay I am leaving to take kid to school, lunchbox, check, car keys, check , purse, check, homework, check. am I coming right back or will I be home in time for meds. If not then I need to toss meds in my purse so i can take them. 

I also find myself paying more attention to planned ahead events. For instance we are going to an air show. I should have rested the afternoon at least and been very low key. Unfortunately I was not able to do that. Thus I know by Monday, I will be starting to flare. So I have to look at the rest of the week and see if I need to cancel anything and when I can schedule time to just be mellow. To sit outside reading while the kid plays with the dogs. 

Now when people ask my if I am in pain Its more like, yes but today is a good day. Sometimes it is Yes and today is a really bad day.  Short and sweet because the truth is, very few people want to hear it all. Then that brings on a whole other set of problems. 

 I don’t want the attention.. Sometimes its better to just avoid the subject with me. I am here I am functioning I am surviving. Lets not talk about it and just push on. Just let me keep my illusion of functioning. If not for me then for my daughter. Most of the time that is when I am pushing myself the most anyway.I don’t want her to feel like she is missing out on stuff because her mommy is sick. If she does miss out on stuff it should be because she lost the privileged either through poor choices for behavior or grade issues. Let her be like any other kid in this aspect. 

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 This is the mom image I want her to have. Even though here she is just a few weeks old and I still had weight to loose but my level of pain was still fairly within normal for a new parent. I want her to look back and see a mom who was involved. Who was always there for her, doing things with her.  Being there for her , not stuck in bed. Some days when the pain is bad it kills me that she can see it.