Tag Archives: quotes

thanks for the nudge universe

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Saturday I woke up feeling like crap. No, not even crap. I felt worse than crap. I was thankful my daughter was able to feed herself and watch TV. I tried to be gentle with myself. I tried to tell myself I had pushed so many limits and needed the rest. There is this thing, called Mommy Guilt. It was a gorgeous day out. I should be doing something with her. I should not be letting her watch so much TV. It took an hour of me wrestling with Mommy guilt and how I felt physically. It took me that hour to convince myself that taking the kid to a playground was a good idea. It will be outside. The sun will be good for you. Moving a little will make it better. She will get her energy out. But I have to MOVE. I have to drive. I don’t want to drive. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to walk.  Then I got tired of my own whining.The problem with your body feeling like complete crap, your brain is often just fine. My brain is often going a mile a second. Feeling like crap often doesn’t curb that at all. Fine, we are going. I texted a few friends to see if they wanted to meet at the playground. At least then I would not feel bad about not walking. I could sit and socialize. It was also  a way to keep convincing myself to keep moving. No go. Between illness, work, and other activities no one could meet. Fine fine fine fine. My daughter asked if she could bring her soccer ball. Her newest obsession. Sure why not.

 

We got to the park. I made sure we walked first. It took some coaxing. Not just me, but the kid too. I was moving , I just wasn’t exactly happy with it. My body was shrieking louder than anything else.  We walked. Well I walked she kicked the ball around, whined that she wanted to go to the playground. The temp was a really nice sixty four degrees. The winds were easily twenty miles per hour. It was absolutely gorgeous. Okay and yes yes a good fifteen minutes into our walk I was enjoying it. Moving was helping. The beautiful weather and nature was filling me up again. I didn’t even realize I had needed it.  We were not walking to really burn calories. Just to walk.  I did track it on Runkeeper. I think our pace was like 29 minute miles. We walked a total of a mile and a quarter.  We had circled back to the car. I grabbed my water bottle and the book I had brought. I really had just grabbed a book. I tend to have multiple books I am in the middle of.  We wandered over to the playground. She ran off and I settled down at the picnic table to read. I found the book mark I had used. There were words that I had written down. A few months ago.

“But we must not forget that the only person whom we can purify . the only one we can do anything about is ourselves.”

And..

“The same unwholesome mental state may have to be conquered more than once…the formula is recognize no blame change even if that has to be done over and over again.”

The book I was reading : Visible Here and Now: The Buddhist Teachings on the Rewards of Spiritual Practice  by Ayya Khema.

 

There it was. The reminder I needed.  I didn’t even really need to read more.The lesson was right here. I read.I often struggle with feeling I am going backwards. That my mental thought process is returning to old ways. I tend to be a bit harsh on myself. Here was a reminder to leave the blame and just change.  I watched my daughter play letting the words I was reading soak into me.  Really before I knew it and hour had passed. The temperature was falling again.

Did I want to leave my bed earlier that day? Not even remotely.  I did and it was for the best. It empowers me to keep pushing the limits. Keep doing the things I don’t necessarily want to do but need to do.

We had just gotten home. I was back laying in bed. My daughter was reading, or suppose to be. I had posted pictures I snapped while we were walking on Facebook. I was looking at them and holding that peace that flowed when I was walking. A friend messages me that she was jealous of me getting out in nature all the time. Funny because I didn’t want to go out at all.  I get it universe. I get it. The forward and backward dance we tend to do, both physically and mentally, is necessary. It has its purpose. I don’t like it but I get it.  No blame, just step back on the path I want to be on. Step back into the mental thought process I want.

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Nature’s Gift

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Today I turned a year older. I didn’t really want presents. I have no room for anything and really don’t need anything. Instead I wanted to go on a hike at a new place with friends. I had seen pictures of a place that was a bit of a drive but still near by that intrigued me. Six Mile Cypress Slough Preserve. I just can’t even begin to tell you how perfect it was.

There are quotes on plaques at certain spots along this boardwalked path. Between the sighs and sounds of the preserve, and the quotes. Nature was talking to me. Letting me know that I am on the right path and to keep it up. It was nourishing in a way I didn’t even realize I needed.

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“You learn that if you sit down in the woods and wait something happens” Henry David Thoreau.

The soft sunlight, the smell of cypress and the chatter of birds in the trees. It was all just so perfect.

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“Falling in love with the Earth is one of lives great adventures. ” Steve Van Matre

Its true. It was like falling in love with the Earth all over again. Every step. Every new discovery. Every new enjoyment from the kids.It doesn’t matter that we have lizards and squirrels. These were here now! We saw them! It was right there! Watching their delight was truly a gift. Using our imaginations and just taking our time walking. We even saw a tree looking at us!

 

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It was truly an enjoyable walk. It was exactly what I wanted. It was gorgeous weather. The humidity and barometric pressure were steady, important tidbits when dealing with arthritis.  We lost track of time watching the turtle weave around the pond. We delighted in watching them eat the algae.  It was a secure enough trail that we felt confident enough to let the kids wander ahead of us.  Letting them explore and make their own discoveries.

 

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Its camouflaged  very well but I promise you there is an alligator in this picture. We watched him rather lazily swimming around for a bit.

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I can’t even imagine what it was like here even just fifty years ago. These trees are relatively small for cypress. There were some bigger ones. I just love the cypress knees sticking up.

 

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heron

 

I think one of my favorite things was how many Yellow crown night heron’s we saw. It was like once we saw one we kept seeing them. We even got to watch one eating a fish.

 

It was the perfect escape and the perfect way to turn a year older.

 

We followed this with a visit to Tropical Smoothie Cafe. The kids were super excited for smoothies.  It was all very delicious and the food came fast enough that the kids didn’t get too delirious and were so well behaved. Enough so that they even got cookies.

 

Sticks and Stones…..

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will break my bones but words will never hurt me.

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Remember that. We said it. However I don’t think we realized until much later that it wasn’t true. In fact there was nothing true about it at all. It surprised me how old the saying is. When I looked it up on Phrasefinder..It was an old adage by 1862. I think it shows how much we want words to not harm us.

Words hurt. Words can be brutal. Words once spoken can peck away at you over and over until you believe them. Its easier to believe words that bring you down than those that lift you up.

Sometimes its a continual conscience decision to think positively. There are some words that are just cruel. There are some words that haunt. Often its from people closest to us.

I don’t know which ones hurt more the ones from those who know us or the ones who don’t know us. It took me quite a while to get to the point that hurtful words from someone who doesn’t know me doesn’t bother me for long. Easily less than a day. A few times I barely gave their comment a thought.

The sad truth is that words can be abusive, harmful and even detrimental to your health.The sad truth is most people won’t admit that.  The sad truth is the emotional/verbal abuse is often overlooked. Its often made to be very insignificant and trivial

It takes a long time to recover from it. Then there is a little part that never recovers from it. Its always there whispering to you at just the right time. When that little area is prone to be vulnerable.

Even after four years of therapy it still gets me.

I find myself wanting to protect others from it. To help them get out of that situation or environment.

I can’t save everyone. I know that. But I want to.  What I can do is be here, listening, offering words of encouragement and advice. Sometimes I forget how helpful that can be. How powerful that can be in someone’s life.

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When you deal with a chronic illness that is not visible, people say things. Not only do we have to deal with what others say, we also tend to be pretty harsh on ourselves as well. There are many days that I struggle to get up and get going. To get out of bed. I want to. I plan to. Then I am waking up all over again. I struggle with my own feelings that I am being lazy and irresponsible. Others comment…What have you done all day? Its easy to agree with them. It takes alot to say. I survived today. I kept breathing, I slept. I am still alive!

I found that if I wrote down what I planned to do that day. I felt like I accomplished something when I crossed off something. Even if that was take pills. Eat. take a shower. When I started that I would get ridiculously long lists. It was then that I realized just how much energy went into each little seemingly insignificant task.  It seems simple to some people to just drive my daughter to school and come back. Why would I need to rest or recover from that? It seems like they have valid reason to say I am being lazy. That I don’t want to work.

Words. They often carry much more weight than we give them credit for. Sometimes they can be a judgement. It doesn’t matter if it is a justified judgement or not. The damage is done the moment they are said.  Often without thought of the inner struggle of what someone is going through.

Its something I still struggle with. I say things without thinking of what the other person is going through.  Its hard to remember that.

My daughter and I like to listen to guided meditations at night. Not every night but at least once a week. Its helpful to remember to take a breath and think first.

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A few years ago I would not have seen the wisdom in choosing all my words carefully. Sometimes I don’t.  I am not perfect at this. I still wish to make sure my words are only helpful. I find when I don’t watch what I am saying its often in a venting session. Those I feel are okay. In fact they are needed.  Balancing  meditation, peace, helpfulness to others and our own need to vent frustrations is something that I think we never master. It is a worthwhile endeavor though. Its something that helps us thrive in our illness. I will do everything in my power to thrive. Even if that means reading sticky notes with positive mantra’s multiple times a day.Even if that means slowly shedding my eeyeore shell and becoming more like Tigger.