Tag Archives: ADD

Clawing my way back up;Ten things of Thankful #10thankful

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I don’t even know where to start. I haven’t written all week not because I didn’t have anything to say or to get out. I did. I just couldn’t make any of  it make sense. It wasn’t even that I couldn’t focus long enough to put it in order, it just plain didn’t make sense. It all seemed so pointless. The sneaky thing about battling depression is it starts rising so quietly some times. I was taking my meds, I was taking time for self care. I was doing the right things. It was rising though and I didn’t see it. That is the other tricky part about depression. It is not always about being sad. I still don’t even know how to describe it, but probably best would be a total lack of motivation. A general feeling of not wanting to do anything at all. It didn’t help that it had started before I went off melatonin for a week. I do this so that I don’t build up a tolerance. I know its going to be a crappy week of sleep but it does honestly help. Add on top of that a building infection, still unsure if it was teeth or sinus. Once I realized that it was all kind of attacking at once, I started attacking back. That is the thing though, you have to realize it is rising. I couldn’t organize my thoughts but my thoughts were enough to make me realize what was going on. I can only be THANKFUL for Cognitive Behavior Therapy that I have done in the past that helped me realize what was going on. The frustration of my lack of motivation is what spurred me to really stop and do some CBT. I know others may be frustrated with my lack of desire to do anything but it pales in comparrison to the frustration I have for myself. I am working on that. I am a work in progress.

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First, I tackled the infection. I juiced some fresh turmeric, garlic, ginger, lemon, basil and cucumber and red onion. Just imagine swallowing fire and brimstone and you won’t be far off. It was painful to get 2.5 oz of it down three times a day but I did it. I started feeling the difference. The fatigue was lifting. The body aches subsiding back to their normal dull roar. I prefer to do things this way. It doesn’t interrupt my birth control like an antibiotic can and honestly I think it works a lot faster. Plus I don’t have to re-battle my candida issue.  THANKFUL for all I have learned about juicing and its benefits.

After eight days of no melatonin and one day of no benedryl either, I started having dreams I was in a boat. The boat was great, I was enjoying being out on the water. Then suddenly the boat was sinking. I could never find a hole. I could never find a reason. I found myself in this dream over and over. I would inspect the boat carefully, still it would sink. I even got down to a Johnny boat where I could inspect it out of the water. It still sank. I woke so congested that I think some of that sinking was signifying that I couldn’t breathe , not just the depression. Last night I took both and slept so so so so very good. Thankful!

Thankful that I had two interviews this week and several more respsonse to my applications. It seems most people have their summer nanny and are now looking for mid to late august. Not ideal but I will take it.

THankful I have friends who can and do help watch my daughter so that I can go on these interviews and even take some time for myself afterwards.

Thankful that Harp camp starts next week. We have definetely reached the part of the summer where we are both sick of each other, the kid and me.

Thankful for instagram. Yes I know it seems trite but it is true. I truly enjoy the photos and especially cherrish the #bereal ones. The ones that let me know that I am not the only one battling theses issues. I am not the only mother whith a kid who thinks she ruins everything one second and thinks she is the best mom ever the next. Lately I have also found some very helpful and inspirational quotes as well.

Thankful for my husband. He works tirelessly for our family and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. Not only does it allow me to be here for our daughter who won’t always need me quite so much but it has also allowed me to work on my own health and recover from the damage medicating to work did to my body.

Thankful for my readers. I didn’t write this week. I honestly didn’t think anyone would notice. I so appreciate the people who took the time to email me or message me and ask if they missed a post.  Just know that I am completely dedicated to Ten Things of Thankful so even if I hit another rough patch, I will always do a Ten Things of Thankful post. even if it is just to post one thing and use the SGV (seven guard virgins)dance to get out of the others or the SBOR(secret book of rules).

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Remembering that you just made a DNA contribution

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I scheduled a parent teacher conference. I found that it helps me stay on top of her school work if I am touching base every semester with her teachers. I am not good at consistency. I know that. I have found ways to compensate for this, scheduling frequent parent teacher conferences is one of them.

It is hard to remember that yes my daughter gets somethings from me, somethings from her father, and then there is a part that is just her. Its hard to remember that she is going to have traits that are just her. Who knows , maybe my great great great great great grandmother had this trait. There are somethings I understand where she is coming from, there are plenty more that I am completely lost on.

It does make it harder to problem solve when she has issues in school that are exactly the same as mine. It makes me more apt to just say hmm yes I have the problem too. I want her to go beyond what I did though. I struggled through a lot of my elementary school years. It was not until I had that magic teacher who just got me and broke through.

It is annoying when it is something she gets from her father. Something that frustrates me about her father is he is incredibly brilliant(you have to be to purposefully fail an IQ entrance test by one point). It is just something that is for them. I worked and sweated and studied to get a 138 in my IQ test. Her father was barely paying attention and got a 140.

Its hard to look at her and not see some part of myself or her father. Sometimes that makes it easier to forget she is her own person.  As hard as we try to guide our children to be better than we are. To succeed where we have failed. To mold them into confident successful people. It is easy to blow off the parts that are our biggest flaws. Don’t discount that other half of the DNA. Maybe that is all she needs to get over the hurdles that stood in my way.

It is hard to not sit here and think, where did I go wrong, how did I not see this coming? I know she gets her A.D.D from me. No matter that I tried to give her every advantage so that it would not be an issue. It seemed like it had been working. It is so easy for me to see it only as a hindrance to her. It took me years to see my A.D.D as a benefit and not a curse. To work past all the negative feedback I got from teachers and even employers. If only you could focus……If only you followed through all the time on everything….. It took me years to figure out how to make it work for me instead of against me.

By scheduling frequent parent teacher conferences we can work together as a unit to make her  a better student. One of the things that she has in her favor that I did is a Montessori school.  The part I love the most is work partners. It seems she is finally understanding that in picking a work partner she needs to pick someone who lifts her up. Picking someone who has strengths in her weaknesses and finding out that her strengths may be there weakness, they both win here.  I firmly believe that the Montessori learning environment will give her the edge I didn’t have.

Now to shed this guilt that I did something wrong. To remind myself that I made the DNA contribution but she is her own person and not everything that happens to her is my fault. To remind myself that just because she inherits something from me gene wise does not mean she will be just like me. Easier said than done. Mommy guilt does not let go easily.

When Mania strikes

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I used to shop……..it was on sale. the kid needs more clothes I need the next size up I need this. I NEED. You could not tell me it was being foolish or ruled by impulse. I have no credit cards now because I have no restraint with them whatsoever. If I feel I need something even if its more like a want, CHARGE IT. I wasn’t always aware of why I needed to shop or why I was doing it even knowing I didn’t really have the money to do it.  It took time in therapy before I realized it.

So with my therapist I tried to focus some of my mania. I am not bipolar. I don’t get caught in the grip like someone with bipolar does. I have Attention Deficit Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with a mix of Anxiety and depression. I still have to balance what is a healthy amount to do all of these. Sometimes I get so focused on them.

I write lists…….I write detailed and long lists that detail each thing I need to do each day. I write out days worth of lists at one sitting sometimes. Its my way of regaining some control. I don’t do good with long term lists. I need to check off each thing. Waiting weeks or months to check it off. Drives. Me. NUTS. I have notebooks that I use and I throw them away when I am done. This is an on and off again thing. I start and stop and a lot of it depends on how out of control I feel, or my life feels.

I clean. I don’t think, I clean. Wash the dishes. Clear the counters, wipe down the counters. Wipe down the appliances. Is that dirt on that wall? Better spray it down. Sweep the floors. Vacuum the floors. Mop the floors. Move the laundry along. Scrub the tub. Sometimes, rarely but sometimes, I even go systematically through each room. Most of the time it’s clear the counters, take something to put it away. Straighten the bathroom counter, move laundry along, go back to the kitchen counter. Do the dishes. I use enough spray cleaner that there is no doubt in anyone’s minds that I cleaned. My hands are dry and wrinkly and probably slightly chemical burned. I don’t pay attention to any of that. I attack the dirt.

I write…. I can’t tell you how many posts I never publish. I type it all out or talk to text it all out. Then erase it. Sometimes it stays in my draft folder for weeks or months, but mostly I delete it. I just needed to get it out. I wouldn’t want to hurt others with thoughts I have so it’s not published. Sometimes I just need to see how I am feeling in black and white. Okay and most of the time with little judgey red squiggly lines that I spelled it wrong, too.

I disregard what I should not eat and eat whatever I want. Normally candy, chocolate pastries. It’s a bit different than when I am pms-ing because I am not always aware I am eating too much until I have a stomach ache. There is something that takes over and whatever it is . It’s all I want. Every day at lunch. Every night after dinner. Whatever it is. This actually I have gotten better at controlling myself over. Mainly from weight gain and how I don’t like what I see anymore. Sometimes that is all it takes. Sometimes it takes more control for this exact reason too.

I go for walks . Long walks by myself. I don’t really think out what is bothering me. Instead I focus on nature. I absorb the peace that nature offers. I walk until I start to think again. Until I start wondering what time it is. How far have I walked? What I am going to eat for lunch. I sit when I need to. I walk. sometimes I stand still. I don’t pay attention to the pain. I don’t give it attention. When I have my camera in my hand nothing else matters. The wonder of nature takes a hold of me too. When I get back to my car its like coming out of a fog but something has settled in my mind and I feel renewed. The angst I am the more I walk. The more the NEED to walk drives my thoughts. I have even been driving somewhere saw a park. Felt the need.  Sent a text…Going to be late and walked til I was satisfied.

I used to be able to do the same thing with reading. To the point that my husband would tell me I loved my books more than him. I would spend days in bed reading if I didn’t have to work. When I was working I wanted to be reading. I can still do this but most of the time I am entirely too tired to do this. I read and fall asleep. I have always had this routine so add Chronic Fatigue from the chronic pain. I fall asleep way to easily reading.

What no one tells you

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What no one tells you is that who you are changes…..
What no one tells you is that you are continually finding yourself
What no one tells you is how hard you will work to not be labeled disabled…..only to turn around and have to file for disability
What no one tells you is just when you admit to yourself you are disabled someone tells you you aren’t
What no one tells you is what you think you can do and what you can actually do….don’t always meet up

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I constantly feel let down that someone didn’t tell me about theses things. The more I think about these things the more I realize why.
Because really these are personal lessons we all have to go through individually.  These are things  we have to work out ourselves.

Someone can tell us about them but it won’t sink in. They aren’t lessons you can avoid.  As much as we wish we could.

I don’t think people realize that people in chronic pain go through a cycle similar to the grieving cycle. The only thing is we don’t necessarily all go through the same cycle or in the same order even.

Where as in the grief cycle the very fact that you are still going through the phases typically indicates that you are not ready to move on, I don’t necessarily see this as true when dealing with chronic illness. There are so many different aspects to chronic illness. Sometimes I will quickly cycle when something else that I can’t do pops up.  There is a level of acceptance that people with chronic illnesses can get to.  I think with chronic illnesses we have different levels of acceptance.

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I accept I have Fibromyalgia…….I don’t accept it will limit me.

I accept I have Chronic Fatigue……I don’t accept I won’t ever get enough sleep.

I accept I have Arthritis……I don’t accept it will stop me from hugging my daughter.

I accept I have OCD/ADD….I don’t accept I can’t use that to good use.

Anger isn’t around much anymore. It was around alot at the beginning… that quiet bubbling anger that you don’t even realize is anger.That why don’t they care anger. That they don’t understand what I deal with anger. It was a deep dark sneaky anger. It didn’t want to leave so I wasn’t allowed to realize it was anger. Once I did. It was like this big sigh of relief. Okay. This is the way it is. Not everyone is going to understand or be helpful. Once I realized it was anger it was conquered. Okay maybe not conquered but I did have more control over it.

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I don’t think I have ever gotten to bargaining. There wasn’t really anything to bargain with. How do you bargain when what you have is already threatening your way of life? I wouldn’t trade anything in my life in order to not be sick. I liked everything about my life even if I wasn’t aware of it at the time.  I guess for some this is where they might bargain with God or a higher power.  I think I asked that Higher power why a few thousand times. I don’t remember ever bargaining with that higher power. Mainly because when I really look at it, I do believe everything happens for a reason.

I definitely hit depression for quite awhile. It was again something that started so slowly and was so sneaky that it took me awhile to realize it. That it was even sneaking through my antidepressant. I guess it lured me into thinking I was protected. Then it was kinda like how? How did this happen? I didn’t question why I was depressed. It didn’t surprise me at all.

Acceptance. I think like I said that comes in at different levels. Its a work in progress. Sometimes its a daily task, sometimes hourly, even sometimes minute by minute. It just depends on what kind of day I am having.

Dr. Kubler Ross is who came up with the stages of grief. When I looked into more of her as a person, I understand the stages a bit more. They aren’t set up to be neat little categories that people will just go through automatically and be done. That sometimes people will go through two stages at the same time. Or that they will cycle through all of them in a day, in an hour.

They came out not too long ago with a more loose stages of grief.  They understand that not all of us are the same and that we will go through it in our own way and our own pace.

That couldn’t be more true of chronic illness cycling. Give the same exact illness with the same exact symptoms and severity to two people and they will go through these stages in their own way and completely different.

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Sometimes I feel that what people don’t tell you is the elephant in the room now a days. No one wants to talk about it. No one wants to admit that they think that too. Unless they are with others who have similar issues.  When there is no judgement of how you deal with things, there is large amounts of growth. I know this personally. It is my wish that eventually with bringing attention to chronic pain and chronic illness’s that can’t be seen that one day this will be so. Non-judgment and acceptance for everyone no matter what there journey is about.