Tag Archives: acceptance

Compassionate acceptance of love (#1000speak post)

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Compassionate acceptance of love (#1000speak post)

Growing up I was told boys loving boys was wrong. Girls loving girls was wrong. Thinking you were a boy when you had girl parts was wrong and vis versa. I was told you don’t question God.God didn’t make mistakes. I never really gave it much thought until a friend came out as a lesbian. Now what do I do? I like her as a person. She is a great friend. According to the religion I was part of at the time, I was not to associate with her anymore. She was openly admitting to a “sin” and not trying to change. When I turned to the church for guidance , I came away feeling like I had done something wrong. I had such immense guilt for wanting to keep the friendship I had. To turn someone away for being who they were was just not part of me.

It took me a long time to work out how I felt about love being love. I had to work past these stumbling blocks I didn’t even know I had. It was not to be talked about so I found myself stumbling. I was lucky to have a friend who was willing and open to let me stutter it out and really dissect how I ,personally felt. I felt a openess and acceptance that I had not felt when I turned to the church. There was a lot of back and forth. Was she born this way? Was it a choice? I saw her dating guys was she faking it? How did she see me? Was she attracted to me? What was her type? Did she have a type? Is this something she was trying out? Didn’t she want babies? She not only explained most of it calmly and openly but she also questioned me back.   Are you sure it’s what you believe or is that just what you have been led to believe? It wasn’t easy and there was definitely squirming in our seats on both sides. We were both works in progress, still are.

It made our friendship stronger. I like to think it made us stronger as individuals as well. However, that was not the end of it. Later I found out that she was holding things back. She told me, Saying that I don’t approve of your choices but it’s your life isn’t acceptance. It is not compassionate. In fact it made her feel guilty, like she couldn’t share everything with me. She wanted to have girl talk and relationship discussions but  when she did she felt very judged. Here I thought I was being so helpful. I was making it worse, which was the opposite of what I wanted to do.  The opposite of what I thought I was doing. I had put conditions on my acceptance and thus our relationship.It wasn’t all one-sided. We had an open and honest enough relationship that she told me about some choices I had made that she didn’t agree with.  It was shocking to me that she actually didn’t approve of some of my decisions. I had not felt any disapproval from her.I never felt judged. She always seemed genuinely happy with whatever decision I made. That was when I realized she was mixing compassion with her acceptance. I am glad she was openly honest with me about her sexual preference. I am glad she was unapologetic about it. It really made me think.  It was easy to say no it is a sin and not acceptable when it wasn’t personal. I didn’t have to think much about it. I realize now how unusual that was for someone to be able to openly and unapologetically say this is who I am take it or leave it. It wasn’t easy for her but she had gone through her own storms to come to the point she was at. We are no longer such close friends. It had nothing to do with her sexual preference. Sometimes you just drift apart. I am forever thankful for the friendship we did have. The learning and growing I went through. Perhaps those lessons were the whole reason she was in my life to begin with.

It wasn’t until I started trying to think compassionately about others decisions that I realized how wrong I had been. Acceptance needs compassion to take the sting out of differences of opinion. Without it acceptance doesn’t mean nearly as much.  As much as we say we do not care what others think, we do. On some level we do. We may not even be conscience of it. The point is, I realized that in order to be accepting of others, compassion is integral. Compassion for myself as I explored what I really truly believed. Compassion for what she was going through and her feelings. True acceptance of someone for who they are is wrapped and entwined with compassion.  As you go through the journey you realize sometimes acceptance is leading and sometimes compassion is leading. At some point you realize they are no longer entwined, they have become one. In the end though there is just love. Love for a friend. Love for another human being. In order to accept that love is love no matter what circumstance requires acceptance at every turn and a blanket of compassion.

 

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What no one tells you

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What no one tells you is that who you are changes…..
What no one tells you is that you are continually finding yourself
What no one tells you is how hard you will work to not be labeled disabled…..only to turn around and have to file for disability
What no one tells you is just when you admit to yourself you are disabled someone tells you you aren’t
What no one tells you is what you think you can do and what you can actually do….don’t always meet up

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I constantly feel let down that someone didn’t tell me about theses things. The more I think about these things the more I realize why.
Because really these are personal lessons we all have to go through individually.  These are things  we have to work out ourselves.

Someone can tell us about them but it won’t sink in. They aren’t lessons you can avoid.  As much as we wish we could.

I don’t think people realize that people in chronic pain go through a cycle similar to the grieving cycle. The only thing is we don’t necessarily all go through the same cycle or in the same order even.

Where as in the grief cycle the very fact that you are still going through the phases typically indicates that you are not ready to move on, I don’t necessarily see this as true when dealing with chronic illness. There are so many different aspects to chronic illness. Sometimes I will quickly cycle when something else that I can’t do pops up.  There is a level of acceptance that people with chronic illnesses can get to.  I think with chronic illnesses we have different levels of acceptance.

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I accept I have Fibromyalgia…….I don’t accept it will limit me.

I accept I have Chronic Fatigue……I don’t accept I won’t ever get enough sleep.

I accept I have Arthritis……I don’t accept it will stop me from hugging my daughter.

I accept I have OCD/ADD….I don’t accept I can’t use that to good use.

Anger isn’t around much anymore. It was around alot at the beginning… that quiet bubbling anger that you don’t even realize is anger.That why don’t they care anger. That they don’t understand what I deal with anger. It was a deep dark sneaky anger. It didn’t want to leave so I wasn’t allowed to realize it was anger. Once I did. It was like this big sigh of relief. Okay. This is the way it is. Not everyone is going to understand or be helpful. Once I realized it was anger it was conquered. Okay maybe not conquered but I did have more control over it.

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I don’t think I have ever gotten to bargaining. There wasn’t really anything to bargain with. How do you bargain when what you have is already threatening your way of life? I wouldn’t trade anything in my life in order to not be sick. I liked everything about my life even if I wasn’t aware of it at the time.  I guess for some this is where they might bargain with God or a higher power.  I think I asked that Higher power why a few thousand times. I don’t remember ever bargaining with that higher power. Mainly because when I really look at it, I do believe everything happens for a reason.

I definitely hit depression for quite awhile. It was again something that started so slowly and was so sneaky that it took me awhile to realize it. That it was even sneaking through my antidepressant. I guess it lured me into thinking I was protected. Then it was kinda like how? How did this happen? I didn’t question why I was depressed. It didn’t surprise me at all.

Acceptance. I think like I said that comes in at different levels. Its a work in progress. Sometimes its a daily task, sometimes hourly, even sometimes minute by minute. It just depends on what kind of day I am having.

Dr. Kubler Ross is who came up with the stages of grief. When I looked into more of her as a person, I understand the stages a bit more. They aren’t set up to be neat little categories that people will just go through automatically and be done. That sometimes people will go through two stages at the same time. Or that they will cycle through all of them in a day, in an hour.

They came out not too long ago with a more loose stages of grief.  They understand that not all of us are the same and that we will go through it in our own way and our own pace.

That couldn’t be more true of chronic illness cycling. Give the same exact illness with the same exact symptoms and severity to two people and they will go through these stages in their own way and completely different.

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Sometimes I feel that what people don’t tell you is the elephant in the room now a days. No one wants to talk about it. No one wants to admit that they think that too. Unless they are with others who have similar issues.  When there is no judgement of how you deal with things, there is large amounts of growth. I know this personally. It is my wish that eventually with bringing attention to chronic pain and chronic illness’s that can’t be seen that one day this will be so. Non-judgment and acceptance for everyone no matter what there journey is about.