It has been a tough week, the past few weeks. I have really struggled to remain positive and optimistic. I found that even listing a few thankfuls (yes, yes that is a word) when I remembered was not working.As usual instead of giving up, I upped the challenge. Ten things every single day. Not only that I set TWO reminders on my phone to remind me to post it to Instagram.
1. Crystals…especially new ones
2.BBQ. Sometimes a southern girl just needs some BBQ green beans and coleslaw
3. A wonderful thirty-minute meditation ritual
4. Princess P. I can’t stand how big she is getting and maybe in a little denial she going to be three in less than two weeks.
5. Amazingly beautiful day and park time.
6. Kid spying
7. Not having to make dinner
8. Chamomile and lavender body soap to calm the whole house down.
9. Taking time for beauty and poetry
10. Surviving the day
3. A good friend to enjoy nature with.
4. A good friend who will tell me hard truths even when I don’t want to hear them.
5. A talented artist friend who trusts my photography.
6. I survived two meetings today
7. Panera for dinner
8. Dinner also was a fundraiser for daughters chorale
9. Juicing all the fruit and veggies today
10. I survived til bedtime somehow
1. I got all my work done
2. I took time for self-care
3. I saw roseate spoonbills
4. I finished reading a book!!
5. Reading Still Alice helps me keep things in my life in perspective
7. Time to run to the grocery store minus kid after school has gotten out.
9. Friends who get me
1. A mostly good doctor appointment
2. Time in nature
3. Time to read and write poetry
4. Friends who know exactly what I need.
5. The most perfect supplement falling into my hands today.
6. I didn’t have to cook dinner
7. A shower alone
8. A new wand and new crystal books
9. Family dinners
10. That I survived another day
1. It’s Friday
2. I had time for meditation today
3. I had time for some nature time
4. Baxter got to run free for a bit
5. I got time to spend with squish and wear him
6. All three kids together
7.found princess p’s birthday present
8. Found the perfect shelf for my micro food area
10. Survived the day and no plans for tomorrow!!!!/
So fifty things I am thankful for, it seems to have helped. I have a bit better of an outlook now. Maybe I will try and keep it up……maybe next week I will have seventy!
So much of my life is still up in the air. It is a constant battle of finding enough time to make sure all the kid’s needs are taken care of, housework kept caught up and my own job. Then I have to also factor in more stress means more self-care which is always a struggle for me, even if I schedule it in. I have been mostly absent from the blogging world and I deeply appreciate those who have checked in on me. I have tried to, at least, keep up some thankfulness on Instagram. I aimed high for morning and night and it became almost too repetitive for me. I didn’t feel genuine. I happened to realize it was Friday and actually remember that the Ten Things of Thankful Blog hop happens. I thought if I do nothing else today that is what I am going to get done.
- The river. Myakka River it just takes my breath away so many times. It is never ever exactly the same and oftentimes I can feel what reality has broken just snap back into place.
- Never mind the numbers. WordPress and I are arguing.
- There are days that this dude just makes it all okay. Sometimes with his big slobbery drooly tongue. Other times with his whole body wiggling he does. Then there are times he just gets me.
I would be remiss if I didn’t also include Day Drinking with one of my besties!!! A trip to Lush and we even got a full four mile walk in as well. Don’t ask about Best Buy… Just don’t.
Taking a shower, writing this blog post… listening to her tune and practice on her harp…Not a bad thing at all.
Making her carry the whole fifteen-pound harp was kind of funny, though.
Lastly, the times I have gotten away just to myself and been able to meditate and connect have been nothing short of Divine.
The husband gets a mention for putting up with me. I don’t know why he does sometimes.
The kid, while I am always grateful we have her……this whole pre-pre-teen thing is a bit ridiculous.
We have some amazing friends who have been so helpful while we are looking for more permanent housing. Housing our cats, lunch, an ear to vent to, so much more.
So I think that is ten. I am not really interested in going back and counting. Count some as double if you like. I am being distracted by harp music. I just really want to sit here and listen.
Also in no particular order.
I am thankful I have such understanding friends.
I am grateful that when my voice shakes they help it reach where it needs to go.
I am thankful for such a great family. We don’t have much but we have each other and that’s more than enough.
I am grateful for everything that went so incredibly right today and even a few that didn’t go as planned.
I am grateful my sense of humor and sarcasm have gotten me through this so far.
I am thankful for A long walk just me and the dog.
I am thankful for friends who help me keep fighting.
I am thankful for friends who are there for an ear to listen.
I am thankful for macaroni and cheese with hot dogs.
I am thankful I survived the day.
Coffee and tampons and the possibility of chocolate later.
I am trying and that’s the important part.
I am thankful for free dinners.
I am thankful for lunch with friends.
I am thankful for beer at lunch.
End of the day thankful/grateful
I am thankful for a loving church community
I am thankful for time for crystal grid and incense.
I am thankful for quiet reading time.
I am thankful.for free meals (even though it had corn product of some kind.) I am thankful the science fair project is over.
I am thankful for unexpected income today.
Well I am grateful for some rest this afternoon.
I am grateful for a working car.
I am grateful for a husband who can or knows people who can fix computers and laptops.
I am grateful all the laundry is done except what we are currently wearing.
And that is that.
I have felt bad I have not been writing lately. It wasn’t until this past Ten Things of Thankful that it struck me, I have been writing. I have been writing daily. For the past two weeks I have started and ended almost every day on Instagram with a list of Thankfuls or Gratefuls. When I put it together just that list, I had over 1500 words. 1,500 words saying what I have to be thankful and grateful for. 1,500 words of finding the positive in the day. 1,500 words of being completely and totally in the now. We have been going through a rough patch and have had a lot of instability but one thing that has remained the same. We are thankful for what we do have. I am not sure I would have the same attitude had I not been participating in Ten Things of Thankful for the past year or better.
I am thankful I survived Monday.
I am grateful my cleaning job is one I can do at my own pace.
I am grateful for time at the park goofing off both with the dog and later with the kid.
I am thankful for friends who just listen.
I am grateful for friends who override my concerns and help anyway.
I am thankful that I had a job on Mondays but it has ended and now can rest on Monday nights.
I am grateful my spiritual path has finally bloomed to what I always felt it could be.
I am grateful to be continually learning how to let things go.
This morning I am mostly thankful for sleep and coffee. But mostly coffee.
- I am thankful that despite how small of a space we have…we have shelter. I am thankful that my daughter can participate in making sleeping mats for the homeless who have no shelter or bed.
I am thankful my daughter has such a wonderful voice and gets such pleasure out of singing.
I am grateful to friends who take us out to dinner and just laugh with us.
I am thankful it is bedtime as it has been a really long freaking day.
- I am thankful for such a great foot warmer.
I am thankful for Starbucks on the way to work.
I am thankful for a beautiful day.
Tonight I am thankful that I actually have to walk outside and then back in to get to a bathroom. It gives me a chance to look at the moon in all her glory and the stars.
I am grateful we had the means to get wine!
I am grateful for an afternoon and evening to just completely relax.
I am thankful.for friends both in real life and digital that know just what I need and yet never cease to surprise me. To blow me away .
I am thankful for.morning meditation time.
I am.thankful for a decent night sleep.
I am thankful I get to hear songbirds in the morning
I am thankful for self care.
I am thankful we live in an area with so many parks
I am thankful for the alligator being out today.
I am thankful for payday and the chance to take a friend who has seriously helped us above and beyond the last few weeks. Out to lunch.
I am grateful for a place to call home.
I am grateful for a husband who goes above and beyond.
I am grateful for friends who let me use their mediums without complaint.
I am grateful my statue came out so well.
I am grateful
I am thankful for a warm dry bed.
I am Thankful for shelter from the storms …in all the forms that takes.
I am grateful for such a wonderful family.
I am thankful for morning loving kindness meditation time.
Also very Thankful.for coffee and turmeric!
I am thankful for such a flexible and understanding job that makes such amazing accommodations for my health issues.
I am thankful for acess to a washer and dryer.
I am grateful for some alone time today.
I am grateful for a quiet late afternoon and early evening with my daughter.
I am thankful for the ability to run into a grocery store and get TV dinners for dinner tonight.
I am thankful for early bedtimes.
I am thankful we had shelter from the storm that came through last night.
I am thankful for coffee especially after very little sleep last night.
I am thankful for friends who enjoy hiking as much as I do.
I am thankful for a working car to get me to work. Also thankful for a job.
I am grateful that I was able easily to obtain eat and enjoy three solid meals today.
I am grateful I have a safe warm dry place to sleep tonight.
I am grateful I had time to myself just to recenter today.
I am thankful for an amazing community that supports me and my family.
I am so thankful for such a supportive and dedicated husband and a beautiful and talented daughter.
I am thankful for coffee
I am thankful for a morning to just lay in bed for a while.
I am thankful for friends who want to hike!
Oh so much. Oh oh so much.
Thankful.for a husband.who writes and recites poetry ….mostly about.me.
Grateful.for an hour to lay flat on my.bed between jobs.
Thankful for free food and even better two glasses of free wine.
Grateful for such a wonderful caring church community that is oh so much more than that.
Thankful for friends who get it. Who just by my activity level report get it.
I am thankful I got through the cleaning job I had.
I am thankful to have a pet sitting job.
I am so very grateful for a day of rest.
I am thankful our taxes are filed and hope our return will be sent quickly
I am grateful for a better night sleep with our new memory foam topper.
I am grateful for friends who helped convince me it was not a luxury or a splurge but a need for my back.
I am thankful for Starbucks
I am thankful.for an extra job….even if it is at seven thirty am. See one above.
I am thankful for math smart friends who do our taxes.
I am thankful there was always a toilet nearby when my ibs flared today.
I am grateful for a job that is flexible enough if I can’t work one time. I can do it another.
I am thankful for friends who make us dinner. I am grateful for friends who make me take it easy when my body is telling me to. Even when I don’t want to.
I am thankful I live near an eagles nest that is easily viewed.
All that and I am hopeful a permanent housing situation works out soon.
Thankful for a warm dry place to sleep. (It got cold last night)
Thankful for coffee.
Thankful for my prescriptions and supplements that help me function.
Grateful for warm oatmeal on a cold morning.
I am grateful for car repairs.
I am grateful for a support community that allows for car repairs.
I am grateful for friends to go grocery shopping with.
I am grateful for juicing instead of taking huge nasty potassium pills.
I am grateful for a hot shower at the end of the day.
I am thankful for how much joy Baxter brings us.
I am thankful for such a caring and empathetic daughter.
I am thankful for a hard working loving husband.
Thankful for a mostly decent night sleep.
Thankful for a toasty warm room to sleep in. And an actual bed.
Thankful for coffee.
Thankful for chocolate cereal.
Thankful for a car that got me everywhere I needed to go and maybe even one place that wasn’t absolutely necessary.
Thankful for friends who keep me on track exercise wise.
Thankful for friends who know anxiety is irrational and still go with me to a seven thirty am parent teacher conference
Thankful for an extra computer job today.
Thankful for all you on Instagram who put up with these posts. They keep me accountable to myself and no one has complained!
Thankful that even if I didn’t sleep I was warm and dry.
Thankful for friends willing to get up at ridiculously early hours to be my support person at parent teacher conferences
Thankful for coffee and a husband who makes it.
Mostly thankful to watch the sunrise as I walk the dog.
Thankful I had time today to take time to meditate and calm my mind a little.
Thankful for a car that got me where I needed to go.
Thankful for friends who cook me dinner.
Thankful for a half a glass of wine at homework time.
Thankful that even small we have a place to sleep, a roof over our heads and each other
Thankful we got to the park and no one was here increasing the time Baxter can be off leash ..he needs to run.
Thankful the car started this morning.
Thankful for coffee.
Thankful for food to feed my child before school.
Thankful for a mostly restful sleep.
Thankful for getting paid from two jobs today
Thankful for the guidance and following my soul to the crystal shop today it was indeed balm to my soul.
Thankful for a community of members who continue to amaze me in their support.
Thankful the kid was asleep when I got home.
Thankful for wine.
Thankful it is indeed time for bed.
The end of the day gratitude. I had a job to go to. A car to get me there. Lots of hugs at church. Food to eat three meals today. Aching feet from an almost four Mile walk. Grateful I can still walk, even with the pain. Grateful to spend almost two hours with my daughter. Grateful for a warm shower a cup of tea and a warm room to sleep in at the end of the day.
Morning gratefuls. That despite the gas running out body heat was enough to keep us warm in our dry beds. We had coffee to drink oatmeal to eat and clean clothes to wear. A car that continues to run.
This morning I am grateful for a clean dry bed to sleep in, a car that started, money for coffee, a job and a community that supports me. Grateful for a loving devoted and hard working husband. Grateful for a daughter who lights up not only my life but so many others.
It hardly seems like a year ago that this Compassion thing got started. Well, I guess technically compassion has been around a lot longer. 1000 voices speak of compassion speak started a year ago. A year ago I would have told you I was a compassionate person. So what has changed? I feel I am more compassionate now than I was then. Compassion has entered and invaded every part of my life. It is filled the nooks and crannies. Some of them I didn’t even know were there.
Recently I came across this quote by the Dali Lama. ” Compassion is not religious business, it is human business, it is not luxury. It is essential for our own peace and mental stability, it is essential for human survival.
It made me really stop and think. I had thought I have compassion so I am good. The thing is, though, if compassion is essential to human survival then we never have enough. We can never stop thinking about it, just like we can never stop making sure we have food to eat, shelter and air to breathe. It must become something we strive to fill our lives with each and every day, until our bucket is spilling trails of compassion everywhere. Every morning waking up as if our bucket of compassion is empty.
It just seems like such an overwhelming thing. How do I just suddenly start being more compassionate? I already feel like I have compassion. Like many things it starts small. It starts with you. It was recommended to me that I start with Loving-kindness Meditation. Loving-kindness meditation is where you visualize your compassion and love and you give it to yourself, you give it to a loved one, an acquaintance, someone who you have issues with, a complete stranger.
For months I struggled with this meditation. The thing was, I had compassion by the buttload for other people. I didn’t realize how little compassion I actually had for myself. It was only after working on self compassion that I was able to progress in this meditation.
Going back to the quote, there is no segregation of the compassion there. He says compassion is essential for human survival. This past year we have looked at so many aspects of compassion, through 1000 voices of compassion speak. Never before had I realized how broad and far reaching compassion stretched. Never before had I considered how self compassion would play into my compassion for others. A year later and now I would say, I don’t have enough compassion. I don’t have enough compassion just like I can’t stock pile air to breathe. You can’t stock pile compassion. It is something you are continually seeking. Sometimes we don’t even realize what we are seeking has anything to do with compassion.So the simplest thing is to start with compassion and start with yourself.
It is possible, I suppose, to have compassion without forgiveness. It doesn’t necessarily take forgiveness to feed hungry homeless people or animals. It doesn’t take forgiveness to hug someone when they are hurt. It doesn’t require forgivness to help someone whose groceries just fell out of the bag all over the sidewalk. Compassion without forgiveness is possible.
It is possible as long as the compassion doesn’t involve us personally. Intimately. When someone has wronged us. That is some of the hardest times to show compassion. That is when it is hard to see things from their prospective. If you use compassion though it is possible.
There have been many times in my life that I needed compassion in order to forgive, and found it lacking. Some very big ones. However, I want to tell you about one somewhat small time. It happened recently and is what got me thinking along these lines.
Let’s go back say sixty days. I talked with my landlady and we discussed what our plans are for the future. She had no plans to sell the place; We had no plans to move. We decided to adopt a dog. A pitbull. We made sure it was okay with her. Life proceeded and we adopted a dog and had started to settle in.
Two plumbing issues within and the landlady said she is overwhelmed and must sell. We don’t really make enough to make even the lowest available rent out there. This was my worst fears come to pass. I managed not to cry until she left. I laid in bed and cried. Not a soft cry. A deep down from the bottom of your soul cry. I had a lot of bad thoughts. I had a lot of negative thoughts towards the landlady.
A few days passed. We got some things in order. Then things went from we had thirty to sixty days to get our stuff out to maybe two weeks. I was not happy. I already felt lost and overwhelmed.Now I felt rushed where I thought I had time. The landlady was willing to help. The landlady and I had agreed to meet the next day. A half hour before she was to arrive, I started panicking. I can’t do this. I can’t be nice. I don’t trust what I might say. My daughter is here. I don’t want to get nasty in front of her. Actually I don’t want to get nasty at all. I called a friend and asked if she could be over in time. She could. She did.
I had myself under control and my friend chatted with the landlady. I overheard little snippets as we went about getting stuff bagged up and out to the trash and what not. We finished packing up my friends truck. The landlady and I stayed and talked. She told me what she has been dealing with the last almost six months since her husband died. I literally felt it. I felt the forgiveness flow in, like a raging and crashing water rapid breaking over rocks. The compassion for her and her situation flowed up and around us. The amount of peace that gave me, there are no words.
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We are in the middle of a family crisis. We have to move. There will be lots of confusion and scrambling. I just wanted my readers to know two things; I am not leaving this blog and I am writing a book. Obviously with moving things will be Helter skelter. Blog posts will be here and there. I will try and keep up on Ten things of Thankful but no promises can be made. It just is not realistic to give promises at this time. Follow me on Instagram if you want more info and I am sure I will be posting there daily.
The book is one I believe is sorely needed and is born out of my own need as a parent. A non-fiction unbiased look at all the World Religions. Most importantly, that none of these religions are bad evil or no good. A section of questions that have no right or wrong answers for self-reflection and then journal space. Recently my daughter said she would believe whatever I believed. That is against everything I have been aiming for with her. I want her to have her own beliefs and know why. I then found a book I thought was perfect. It had all the world religions. It however also had a view that only Christianity was right. Anything else leads to Hell. It was so full of guilt and shaming and fear. I really wanted to burn it. As a book lover, that is saying a lot. There were also so many inaccuracies in it. So I am fueling my frustration and anger into this book. I have people from many beliefs that are willing to help me keep it unbiased. If it only helps my daughter, so be it. My hope though is it will help many other teens and young adults struggling with the same issues I struggled with.
I haven’t been writing a lot, or so I told myself. Then I realized, I have been. Only I have been doing the writing on Instagram. I even wrote a poem. It was three am in the morning so you know, it might not be all that good.
I am a creative person. I have to let that creativity out. HAVE TO. For some reason I was so focused on my blog being that outlet. Instagram is actually much more me. I love photos. I love taking photos. I love seeing others photos. Most of the time I get more words out of the photos then the captions. Often that is how it works for me as well when I post. No words I could add would do justice to the photo.
So Here is a peak at what I have been up to on Instagram.
This girl. This girl makes my heart explode one minute and the next we are in deep discussion. Tonight on our walk she said she wishes this world was kinder. Not the planet itself not the Earth but the people. Then we were off onto spirit animals and then something someone said at school and then she was singing and skipping with the dog ahead. She came back to say she thinks her spirit animal is a dolphin but maybe it’s a horse but once in a dream a bear talked to her. There is no not thinking with her. There is no down time. She brings me so much joy.
It maybe Christmas but don’t neglect yourself. A handful of #turmeric a wedge of #gingerand an entire #apple three hours cleaning the house. Cranberry relish made. Now just time to shower and get ready for family to come.
Ten years ago,
The sun rose and set on me.
Just so, you were my everything.
Each new day brought wonder,
Each night a sense of contentment.
Wide blue eyes took it all in.
For me,it was childhood again.
Now, the sun still rises and sets.
As you grow before my eyes.
No longer so focused on wonder,
It’s tradition that rocks our world now.
Tradition of Christmas’s past.
Things change yet stay the same.
The tree all trimmed with your special touch.
No longer needed is the Daddy lift to crown the tree with a star.
Now it’s you who makes sure everything is perfect for Santa.
A job we used to do together.
All things change and that’s the way it should be.
For me, I mourn the passing of times gone by while looking forward with sparkles in my eye to years not yet come.
So follow me over there maybe huh.
It has been a week. Sometimes we get too caught up with making progress. Sometimes we think we are past certain issues. That issue comes up and you think “breathe you got this.” I stuck to what I had decided. Then Anxiety. Then two am comes and you realize with every breath that you are not, in fact over this issue. Dammit. I can’t say I am any further in getting over it but, my resolve is back. While depression and anxiety makes it hard to say it is rock solid…… I am choosing to believe it is rock solid.
I spent way too much of this week wishing things were different. I was actually thinking of skipping ten things of thankful. However, eternal optimism is hard to beat down. In the storms, looking for the good can get you through. I know that. Now to practice it. Yeah, That.
Luckily I have these three, they easily make ten things to be thankful for.
I have decided the only way I am going to get this ten things of thankful thing back in the swing is to start journaling it nightly. It seems to be what was working for me, but like so many other things, I wondered away.
- Sunday Singing
2. Nothing was really going the way I had planned for Monday and it was easily getting my panties in a real twist. I mean a real good wedgie that you just can’t ignore type of twist. Then I had lunch with a friend because of other things falling through that opened it up. I am thankful for friends who treat me to lunch because they value me for me.
HOLY COW I BLINKED AND IT WAS SUDDENLY FRIDAY AND I WROTE NOTHING !! Now I have to think really hard to remember what actually happened.
3. Another great Hike. This time, Baxter came along.
4. Thrift shopping was very successful. I got the Buddha the table and the little leaf tray as well.
5. Lunch with a friend
6. Dog spoiling
7. Cleaned all the things. And Pictures!!!! No not of the cleaned house. Because of my back, I have to break it down to three rooms one day and two rooms the next day. This is excluding the kids room and bathroom because she is responsible for that. ANYWAY. I had to stay home and clean because Truly Nolen was coming. My daughter had a harp concert 45 minutes away. Thankful a friend took pictures.
8. When the universe aligns and I can help someone and still get done what I need to get done. Let’s explain that a bit more. So I have a friend who needed to find time to exercise. Baxter needs a walk. I can always use a walk. So now said friend comes over two to three times a week. We walk the dog 1.61 miles and shoot the shit.Plus it’s right at sunset time so we get to watch the color cloud show. Everyone wins.
9. More cleaned all the things.I am really close to having a fully clean house. Just got to do my bedroom. Probably tomorrow….maybe.
10. Truly Nolen. Even if all they did was confirm there are probably rodents and that nope he can’t do anything until the air ducts are sealed. At least, those noises are not in my head!