Oh where to begin, where to begin. That has been half my problem of actually hitting the publish button on my writing. My posts don’t really seem to have a begining. It just launches into whatever is in my head at the time and right now that is a freaking lot.
I am so grateful for the people who reach out and say, ” I am thinking of you. I am praying for you. I saw this and thought of you. I am so sorry I wish I could help. ” It means a lot to know I am not in this uphill battle alone.
Uphill battle? , you ask. Oh yes. See for the past several months I have been trying to work with several different agencies that help with housing. The problem has been I am several meetings in with them before they either : A. Refer me to someone else or B. Tell me they can not help me. Our main issue is finding a place in our price range. One we can afford. We have the funds to cover moving in costs, with one stipulation. It has to be a sustainable housing option. Meaning that we can afford the monthly payments and foreseeable can for twelve months. That is the crux of the problem. There is no reasonably priced housing to rent. Between needing two bedrooms, having a child and having a service animal, the no’s have been frequent. When they actually say no and don’t just start laughing.
What about section eight housing you say? Well , I am on the wait list to be notified when the waitlist is actually open and accepting applications again. Habitat for humanity has already disqualified us because we have a judgement against my husband. So we have been in a shelter. One we are so very grateful that we have. There are no scary drug addicts hanging out in the same room as us. It is a cozy little efficiencie but our time there is running out.
At the base of all this is , I am tired. I am tired of searching daily for housing and finding no matches for your search, even when I double what we can afford. I am tired of being judged. I am not working hard enough. I need to give up this, or that, or both of those. I am tired of being told I am lazy. Or that we don’t rent to people like you. I am tired of being told this is my fault.
Not one of those people has any idea what I do every day. Not one of them has asked to see. Not one of them has checked my web history to see that I am searching daily, multiple times a day. Not one of them has driven around , almost aimlessly, Looking for , for rent signs.Not one of them has printed out and provided every scrap and piece of their budget and their private lives to the scrutiny of an agency. I have a tendency to give way more information than they are looking for. Shocking them because , I am so honest. Here it is, this is who we are. Not one of them have fended off questions from their eleven year old of what did you do today? Did you find a house? Do you think we will have a home by……. or by…… or when…. Not one of them are ready to fall into bed at four pm completely devoid of hope and faith in humanity. Not one of them are being questioned about the necessity of every purchase they make, not realizing that I am focusing on the good that is in my life. I don’t make all those purchases, mainly because I have freaking amazing friends. I am focusing on the good but trying not to embarras my friends by also including. P.S. I didn’t buy thing my friend so and so did. Our relationships are rarely about money or who has the money. That is really truly difficult for some people to comprehend. I know this because I have started using my frustrated anger to ask them. To throw these questions at them. To tell them in vivid and explict detail just exactly how hard I am looking and working. Thanks but this is exactly what my anxiety whispers to me when I try to take some selfcare. I don’t need it from you as well.
This is not the world or the economy that it was twenty years ago when I moved out of my parents house. Which is truly a shame.
There are so many rules about housing. I get it. I truly do. We owned a house. I know how expensive that is. When you add in renters insurance and maintance , I get it. The thing I don’t get? Why can’t people see the homeless problem for what it is. At it’s core there is a lack of empathy. It is all about making money, not helping our fellow neighbor. It is looking out for only yourself. Some people here won’t even admit there IS a homeless problem. We are a society that loves to deny the problem, even when it stares us in the face. We are so sure there must be an answer out there, this person obviously has not problem solved enough. Again it traces back to compassion and empathy.
My writing has turned into more like journalling. It is helpful but not what I want to be doing. I am not sure this even would not be called a journal entry. It is what it is and it is exactly what has been on my mind on a daily bases for almost six months now. I could add so much about the next time you assume, or make a judgement…….however, that really doesn’t do anyone any good. Let’s just call this food for thought.