I just want to forget.

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I just want to forget that I have chronic issues. I just want to do yardwork like any normal person. I just want to be able to function during the day AND cook dinner at night. Every once in a while, my Irish gets up. I do it. I push and push and push and push. The weather has been so nice, I wanted to be outside. I wanted to pull the weeds and the vines crawling up the side of the trailer. I found great satisfaction in snipping those grasses down. Immense satisfaction in chopping the elephant ears thick stalks. I started on Tuesday cleaning inside the house. Wednesday I did the yard work.  Friday I was starting to feel it. I didn’t pay any attention to it. Not now arthritis. Not now inflamation. Not now fatigue. I have a child’s halloween costume to finish and a school project we need to work on. Parties! Don’t forget halloween parties. I can’t be held back by you this weekend, chronic illness.

Monday morning was difficult. I am not a morning person. Never have been, never will be. However the kid gets up early. Today I was to sore from sleeping soundly in one spot for more than an hour, so I wasn’t able to get back to sleep. It took me an hour to finailly convince myself to get up enough to take my meds and at least nuke some chai tea. I am just now really able to handle typing. My hands have been spasming and tight since Thursday because of all the yardwork on Wednesday.

I think back, do I regret it? Do I regret letting myself be that stubborn and push on? Do I regret falling into bed an overtired exhasuted mess? Nope. Do I want a week long nap to recover? YOU BET!  Sometimes I need this. Sometimes I need to push myself and see that really I am doing the best I can. I need to crash so that I can get some perspective. Stubborn, pig headed of me I know, But i need it. I need it so I can see just how productive I am on some of my bad days.  Without these kinds of stretches I forget how much of a chore it is to move the washer to the dryer. How much of an accomplishment it is just to make dinner.  I am paying the piper now but I have kept mostly quiet about it. It was worth it. I know it is something I triggered. Chronic pain and illness is constantly an up and down sorta thing. Every once in a while a plateau will lull us into forgetting just how bad it can get.

I appreciate the ones who have checked in with me or pulled me aside. I appreciate it more than words can ever express, because you see me. YOU REALLY SEE ME. The real me. You seeing me is what has helped me tape back up my broken pieces and keep going. I accept that I am broken but that doesn’t mean I have to fall apart. YOU helped me remember that. Even more, you said your piece and let me be, just know the fact that you notice was balm to my soul.

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2 responses »

  1. Pingback: Finding my ten | chronicallysickmanicmother

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