When you are a Mother, sleep is often something you dream about getting a lot of. When you are a Mother and have chronic pain/illness, well sleep is an illusion. A very nice illusion of escape, one that rarely happens for long enough stretches. It’s waking up to pop your joints than realizing you have to pee. For me it is also laying back down and then realizing you are drowning in post nasal drip again. Back up to get Benadryl. Praying it kicks in quickly. It’s laying their with your eyes closed. Your eyes feel like sandy little bags stuck in a cave that they have been crammed into. Keeping your eyes open seems impossible but closing them makes them start to water. You focus on your breathing, in one-two-three-four-hold-one-two-three out one -two-three-four-five-six-seven, waiting for sleep to over come you but it never does. I can spend hours in that eyes closed yet not asleep state.
That all being said, I have been awake several times to see the sunrise and set in the same day.
Sunrise has always been the most special to me. Not because I like being awake that early, I don’t. Pre-sunrise is quiet and unassuming. The sky gradually gets lighter and lighter. It seems to stay at that soft in between stage for quite a while. It doesn’t matter that I can’t see the horizon, there is no way to miss once that sun has peaked above the horizon. It shouts I am here. Often with fantastic rays of light that spread across the morning sky. Spreading the softest, gentlest light on to trees and grass and even buildings. You can’t look away once that happens. The sun is in an awful hurry to share its light with everyone. It often brings the colors of the rainbow to the sky with it. First soft pinks and then some light orange, soon clouds darken with the deeper orange and purple glow. Everything looks fresh and new. The grass often covered in dew adding to that feeling of newness.
Sunset though, seems to cling to the day. The large ball of molten yellowish orange light seems to slowly ever so slowly, sink down. It seems to say I don’t want to go, but I am enjoying today, look at all the light I have shone down on you. Yet even still it does go down. In my mind when I watch the sunset when it hits that watery horizon I hear it hiss, its final temper tantrum over bedtime. The reflected golden orange glow in the water only increasing that sensation. Til finally, finally it drops quickly below the horizon, as if once deciding to go to do it quickly.
Perhaps we should all be a bit more like the sun. Perhaps we should all shout ” I am here I am here, look at me shine” each morning. Each evening we cling to the day we had, seeing the good in it. Also though we cling to what we know, what is safe. We know what today held. Night time is an unknown and the day after even more so. Perhaps we should allow ourselves that small little tantrum at the end of the day before quickly plunging into the next change our day brings.