Clawing my way back up;Ten things of Thankful #10thankful

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I don’t even know where to start. I haven’t written all week not because I didn’t have anything to say or to get out. I did. I just couldn’t make any of  it make sense. It wasn’t even that I couldn’t focus long enough to put it in order, it just plain didn’t make sense. It all seemed so pointless. The sneaky thing about battling depression is it starts rising so quietly some times. I was taking my meds, I was taking time for self care. I was doing the right things. It was rising though and I didn’t see it. That is the other tricky part about depression. It is not always about being sad. I still don’t even know how to describe it, but probably best would be a total lack of motivation. A general feeling of not wanting to do anything at all. It didn’t help that it had started before I went off melatonin for a week. I do this so that I don’t build up a tolerance. I know its going to be a crappy week of sleep but it does honestly help. Add on top of that a building infection, still unsure if it was teeth or sinus. Once I realized that it was all kind of attacking at once, I started attacking back. That is the thing though, you have to realize it is rising. I couldn’t organize my thoughts but my thoughts were enough to make me realize what was going on. I can only be THANKFUL for Cognitive Behavior Therapy that I have done in the past that helped me realize what was going on. The frustration of my lack of motivation is what spurred me to really stop and do some CBT. I know others may be frustrated with my lack of desire to do anything but it pales in comparrison to the frustration I have for myself. I am working on that. I am a work in progress.

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First, I tackled the infection. I juiced some fresh turmeric, garlic, ginger, lemon, basil and cucumber and red onion. Just imagine swallowing fire and brimstone and you won’t be far off. It was painful to get 2.5 oz of it down three times a day but I did it. I started feeling the difference. The fatigue was lifting. The body aches subsiding back to their normal dull roar. I prefer to do things this way. It doesn’t interrupt my birth control like an antibiotic can and honestly I think it works a lot faster. Plus I don’t have to re-battle my candida issue.  THANKFUL for all I have learned about juicing and its benefits.

After eight days of no melatonin and one day of no benedryl either, I started having dreams I was in a boat. The boat was great, I was enjoying being out on the water. Then suddenly the boat was sinking. I could never find a hole. I could never find a reason. I found myself in this dream over and over. I would inspect the boat carefully, still it would sink. I even got down to a Johnny boat where I could inspect it out of the water. It still sank. I woke so congested that I think some of that sinking was signifying that I couldn’t breathe , not just the depression. Last night I took both and slept so so so so very good. Thankful!

Thankful that I had two interviews this week and several more respsonse to my applications. It seems most people have their summer nanny and are now looking for mid to late august. Not ideal but I will take it.

THankful I have friends who can and do help watch my daughter so that I can go on these interviews and even take some time for myself afterwards.

Thankful that Harp camp starts next week. We have definetely reached the part of the summer where we are both sick of each other, the kid and me.

Thankful for instagram. Yes I know it seems trite but it is true. I truly enjoy the photos and especially cherrish the #bereal ones. The ones that let me know that I am not the only one battling theses issues. I am not the only mother whith a kid who thinks she ruins everything one second and thinks she is the best mom ever the next. Lately I have also found some very helpful and inspirational quotes as well.

Thankful for my husband. He works tirelessly for our family and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. Not only does it allow me to be here for our daughter who won’t always need me quite so much but it has also allowed me to work on my own health and recover from the damage medicating to work did to my body.

Thankful for my readers. I didn’t write this week. I honestly didn’t think anyone would notice. I so appreciate the people who took the time to email me or message me and ask if they missed a post.  Just know that I am completely dedicated to Ten Things of Thankful so even if I hit another rough patch, I will always do a Ten Things of Thankful post. even if it is just to post one thing and use the SGV (seven guard virgins)dance to get out of the others or the SBOR(secret book of rules).

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26 responses »

  1. Depression sucks, no easy way around it. Though I sometimes think the guilt of being a not so great mother is worse than depression itself sometimes.I find the longer you’ve dealt with depression the earlier you pick up on the small signs it’s coming. I know right away, even if my mood hasn’t shifted yet. I wait a few days to make sure and then I up my medication by one pill ever other day or a week. Usually that gets me over the hump and downward spiral.After I feel better I slowly come off that extra dose. It’s like a crazy balancing act most of the time, every mood I have is under severe scrutiny, I am always scanning for blips and changes. I’m glad you’re feeling better and yes CBT works very well for some issues.just remember, you’re a good mom and you’re doing your best.

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  2. Depression can manifest in so many ways. A lot of people have it but don’t know it — it’s not just being sad.
    I am so sorry that you’re hurting. I really wish that you weren’t. It’s an awful place to be in. Just know that you’re not alone in your pain. If you ever need to talk, I’m here.
    Be strong. You’ve beat this beast before and you’ll do it again. One day at a time. You’ve got this.
    xoxox

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    • Thank you. I know. It is subsiding. I think what i get tired the most of is fighting it. over and over. A lot of people don’t really uunderstand that it never really truly
      goes away. Sometimes it is like walking a tight rope and you know one misstep you will plunge but sometimes its like you are on a hike and the path becomes less obvious but you just think its overgrown. Its not until you are knee deep in the swamp that you realized you left the path.

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  3. I love your writing and I am so glad you managed to get this written. Sorry you are dealing with depression right now. Sometimes everything just feels like such a heavy weight. I am sure the heat down there isn’t helping either. You may be used to it, but it makes it difficult to even move. I hope you can find some cool places to hang this coming week, and some things to take some joy in.

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    • The heat is bad. It does make it hard to move. The humidity is what kills me more than the heat. Mostly we do things early in the morning or late in the afternoon if its going to be outside. But its hitting high summer and even eight am is hot now. Only another month or so left.

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  4. I’m sorry you’ve hit a rough patch, but it sounds like you are able to recognize what is happening and take the steps you need to take to help yourself. I hope the depression lifts soon.

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  5. I hope the perfect nanny job comes from the interviews. A family would be lucky to have someone like you, who is so good at taking kids to explore and do fun, outdoor activities.
    I’m glad you were able to see the signs and proactively work to nip the depression and pain in the bud. (Is that the phrase? I never remember.)
    I pray the coming week is better.

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  6. … use the SGV (seven guard virgins)dance to get out of the others or the SBOR(secret book of rules).” which is why we’re fortunate (at this bloghop) to have them. And, as you rightly infer, this is not a cop out, it is a strategy that achieves the end (we are after) and, I would submit is not as easy as a new participant might think!

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  7. Finding gratitude in this week of depression, infection and lack of sleep is pretty wonderful, Erin. I am enjoying your Instagram photos, especially the beach ones and the bowling ones. Your daughter is adorable.

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  8. I’m sorry you’ve had a bad week, but somehow, it seems like it’s a good thing that you know it was bad and that it would get better.
    Is Harp camp about playing the harp, or is it an acronym?

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  9. I’m a great believer in CBT it has helped me through many a difficult time in my life. Depression sucks, it literally sucks the life, joy, heart, and compassion out of the very act of living. I’ve struggled for years with mine as well as insomnia. The best thing I did was start to write about it recently, and I’ve seen such an incredible supportive response in doing so! I’m so glad to have found TOTT and the wonderful people involved with it. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and wishing you sunshine after the rain. ❤️

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  10. Depression looks different on everyone – no two people wear it the same way. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough patch. Seems like quite a few of us have been, all in our own ways. Primary thing is to take care of you – in whatever way that means – so that you can get back to feeling more like the self you want to be.
    See? Rambling and not making sense here, too. A LOT of that lately.
    Sending you big hugs because I get it and you can always holler if you need to chat, whatever.

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    • Oh rambling rambling. I do it all the time. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation, I just start rambling about something else. Depression for me is a cycle and I just keep beating it back.

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