A scary kind of wonderful

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If you read my Friday blog post for Ten Things of Thankful you know that big changes are coming. It has me scared and excited at the same time. Feeling all the feelings and thinking of all the worries at the same time. Change is never easy. Big change seems even harder. It seems like the world should just stop its spinning and let you catch up a bit. It doesn’t. It never does. Instead it seems like suddenly the world is spinning faster and faster and you barely have time to catch your breath. It leaves you slightly exhilarated and also feeling like you might vomit at any second. Positive affirmations and many guided meditation sessions have done much to help the process along. It helps quiet the voice of all the things that could go wrong.

It is slowly working and the funny thing is I know this because at times that pessimistic voice that tries to tell me I don’t deserve nice things, good things don’t happen to me, it will never work out; gets louder. It may get louder but it is not sticking around very long. That is quite different from even just last year. It has been slow and steady progress and intentionally paying attention to each and every day. Still even with all of that; the argument rages in my head. You made the wrong decision. You just screwed yourself, your family, your daughter.No, I will think positive. This will happen. This is exactly what we need. This is what we have been working towards. It is putting my foot on that side that is mostly unknown. So many unknowns where if I just stay here. I know what to expect. I won’t grow, we won’t continue to change and grow but its safe here. So I take that step with the determination to keep up the meditation and positive affirmations and reaching out to my support net.

All this to say that I know I have made huge progress in the last four years , So I am confident I can continue to thrive. I can look back and see what I have gone through. I can see how dark it was and how deep the depression was. I can see how tight things were. How close to loosing everything I was.When I look back it scares me a bit , but it also gives me the strength to keep pushing forward.  I have better coping skills and such a tight and wonderful supportive net of people around me.

Even with this job change I do plan to continue publishing on Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays will of course continue to be Ten Things of Thankful. I really don’t want to think of where I would be without Ten Things of Thankful.

I refuse to stop making progress. I refuse to hapazardly feed depression and anxiety. They will feed I know but, I control how much they eat. I control how much they take from me. Not controlled no but caged for the time being.

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