Real thoughts on that Christmas list

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  Christmas is coming.  The kid has been adding to her wish list with frightening speed now. These are some of the things she has picked out. Since I can’t really tell her exactly what I think, I am venting it here. This is what really happens with these kinds of things in our house. Let me also specify she does not need a single thing for Christmas. This is evidenced by the two garbage bags full of stuff removed from her room that still has quite a bit in it. She knows full well she is completely spoiled.

 1. She wants beads.  To make necklaces and bracelets and such.

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  What I see instead? Vacuum food. The vacuum just loves these little things. Me, I don’t like the noise they make in the vacuum so much.  Little balls of evil to step on at two am.  Just when you think you have found them all, you will find one at two am. Trust me. One day you reach your limit and you scour the house and round them all up.  They will mysteriously find their way out of the trash and they will “accidentally” spill out all over the place again. She probably also expects string to go with this. The string might actually be used for a bracelet, a necklace, if I am lucky, two. They will then turn into ways to torment the cats. Not to mention, I am still vacuuming up those little loom bands. If you buy her one of those thousand piece kits or more, We are no longer friends.

2.

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While this seems like a good idea at first. We live in Florida. She will inevitably put crayons in here. I will then find murdered crayons in the form of long strands of wax hanging off this. We have tried organizers for the car. It works short term. We have good intentions. It just doesn’t hold up. I will also inevitably find rotten food stuck in it despite my best efforts. It will then have to be thrown away, eventually when she is not looking. Most likely late at night on Trash night.

3. Easy bake oven

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I know I know I know.  This has been around forever. It is like a rite of passage for kids. However I don’t particularly wish to actually taste any of her creations. I have already seen what she makes at the frozen yogurt places. My teeth hurt just thinking about it. This child also screams bloody murder when she “burns” her fingers on food that is barely luke warm. Any hint of steam coming off food and she is sure it is on fire. I also have no desire to sit in front of it and watch it. If I do not it is going to be her sitting in front of it screaming for me that its on fire. I would rather just avoid that panic attack thank you very much. It probably also makes cutesy noises. I can do without cutesy noises. She regularly wakes up at six am. I really don’t like cutesy noises at six am.

4. Waterproof boots.

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Now granite this one popped up after we went on a hike, the last third of the trail was partially underwater. We had to walk through ankle deep water in a few places. She tells me later that night she obviously needs the water proof boots she found in the Land’s End catalog. Yes, let me get right on buying those eighty dollar boots you will wear once.  This is not to mention she recently asked for boots. She claimed to keep her feet warm. I found some at Goodwill and the next day she tells me they make her feet sweat. Seriously kid what the fuck.

5.

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Normally I like kits. This one looks like something that is right up her alley. Then I see glitter glue,sequins and none of that bodes well. I see this ending badly now. Seriously I will just get you a sketch pad and some pencils. I will probably resignedly get this for her.  I will then curse myself twenty times at least for doing so while sobbing and scrubbing off glue and sequins on the table. It is that dam contagious joy that will break out over her entire face when she opens this present. I will keep that in mind while I am scrubbing, maybe.

6.

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I really like this idea, at first. We always like new water bottles. One she can design herself, is a great idea. Until that is, it wears off or I wash it and it comes off. I can hear the tears now. I ruined her artwork.I really do need to install that brick wall in the kitchen to bang my head against. She will eventually be tempted to do a new design, if the dog has not already eaten the markers. If so, then it will be weeks of pestering me to buy new markers so she can redesign her water bottle. I will tell her I will get them and then promptly forget. This in turn will be met with attitude and much sighing and whining.

7.

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So we had this on the list at one point and time. She saw it again. I see this and I see dollar signs. The amount of bath time she will want is going to triple.  I will then have to ruin her life and throw them out when they start growing mold. I am such a spoil sport not wanting her to bathe in moldy water. I already have so much to clean. I am not bleaching out dolphins or Barbie for that matter either.

8.

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This one is okay. Mostly. If you get this just know I expect you to teach her how to sew. I can occasionally sow buttons back on.  They even sometimes stay on.

Then I asked her what she really really really wanted for Christmas and she said a puppy. I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. No. Just no.  She even made up a song. It has to be cute and she has to love it immediately. Its a puppy they are all cute, until they eat your shoe or your doll or poop on your pillow. The answer is still oh hell no.

Things she has asked for I have no problem with her getting.

1. Meditation CD’s for kids

2.  A Tablet. (This was top on her list. Thank you Black Friday)

3.books -Basically anything about unicorns, dolphins or horses.

4. Clothes- specifically uniform shirts with ruffles on them and dresses. She likes highly patterned, highly colored socks and leggings.

5. Sketch pads and colored pencils.

6. Microscope. She actually did ask for this a few months ago. Anything science is okay. I will even put up with science kits, I guess. Scratch that no chalk making kits, no slime making kits, no volcano’s.

I am also fully aware of the fact that she once asked for some obscure thing which I have no memory of her asking for. Never fear though she will ask where it is Christmas morning.

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