Saturday I woke up feeling like crap. No, not even crap. I felt worse than crap. I was thankful my daughter was able to feed herself and watch TV. I tried to be gentle with myself. I tried to tell myself I had pushed so many limits and needed the rest. There is this thing, called Mommy Guilt. It was a gorgeous day out. I should be doing something with her. I should not be letting her watch so much TV. It took an hour of me wrestling with Mommy guilt and how I felt physically. It took me that hour to convince myself that taking the kid to a playground was a good idea. It will be outside. The sun will be good for you. Moving a little will make it better. She will get her energy out. But I have to MOVE. I have to drive. I don’t want to drive. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to walk. Then I got tired of my own whining.The problem with your body feeling like complete crap, your brain is often just fine. My brain is often going a mile a second. Feeling like crap often doesn’t curb that at all. Fine, we are going. I texted a few friends to see if they wanted to meet at the playground. At least then I would not feel bad about not walking. I could sit and socialize. It was also a way to keep convincing myself to keep moving. No go. Between illness, work, and other activities no one could meet. Fine fine fine fine. My daughter asked if she could bring her soccer ball. Her newest obsession. Sure why not.
We got to the park. I made sure we walked first. It took some coaxing. Not just me, but the kid too. I was moving , I just wasn’t exactly happy with it. My body was shrieking louder than anything else. We walked. Well I walked she kicked the ball around, whined that she wanted to go to the playground. The temp was a really nice sixty four degrees. The winds were easily twenty miles per hour. It was absolutely gorgeous. Okay and yes yes a good fifteen minutes into our walk I was enjoying it. Moving was helping. The beautiful weather and nature was filling me up again. I didn’t even realize I had needed it. We were not walking to really burn calories. Just to walk. I did track it on Runkeeper. I think our pace was like 29 minute miles. We walked a total of a mile and a quarter. We had circled back to the car. I grabbed my water bottle and the book I had brought. I really had just grabbed a book. I tend to have multiple books I am in the middle of. We wandered over to the playground. She ran off and I settled down at the picnic table to read. I found the book mark I had used. There were words that I had written down. A few months ago.
“But we must not forget that the only person whom we can purify . the only one we can do anything about is ourselves.”
“The same unwholesome mental state may have to be conquered more than once…the formula is recognize no blame change even if that has to be done over and over again.”
The book I was reading : Visible Here and Now: The Buddhist Teachings on the Rewards of Spiritual Practice by Ayya Khema.
There it was. The reminder I needed. I didn’t even really need to read more.The lesson was right here. I read.I often struggle with feeling I am going backwards. That my mental thought process is returning to old ways. I tend to be a bit harsh on myself. Here was a reminder to leave the blame and just change. I watched my daughter play letting the words I was reading soak into me. Really before I knew it and hour had passed. The temperature was falling again.
Did I want to leave my bed earlier that day? Not even remotely. I did and it was for the best. It empowers me to keep pushing the limits. Keep doing the things I don’t necessarily want to do but need to do.
We had just gotten home. I was back laying in bed. My daughter was reading, or suppose to be. I had posted pictures I snapped while we were walking on Facebook. I was looking at them and holding that peace that flowed when I was walking. A friend messages me that she was jealous of me getting out in nature all the time. Funny because I didn’t want to go out at all. I get it universe. I get it. The forward and backward dance we tend to do, both physically and mentally, is necessary. It has its purpose. I don’t like it but I get it. No blame, just step back on the path I want to be on. Step back into the mental thought process I want.