Don’t you dare!

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Don’t you dare call me lazy.

Don’t you dare tell me I need to get off my bum more.

Don’t you dare tell me I need to exercise more.

I will not go back on medications that allowed me to work but, were killing my liver and kidneys.

I have a daughter and a husband that need me to stick around. I don’t know if you know this or not, you don’t live very long once your liver and kidneys start failing. I want to live.

I have to convince my body every day that getting up out of bed is a good thing. That just because I slept horribly doesn’t mean I can ignore my daughter. Doing actual cardio type work-out is not realistic of a person with Fibromyalgia. We do five minutes of Cardio, and feel like we did three hours of cardio. I started slow and small. Ten minute walks and it was brutal. I often had to lay down or rest for at least thirty minutes if not longer. People with normal bodies can start an exercise routine. They can increase weekly. People with fibro bodies can maybe increase every three months. We inch our way up to a decent workout. I personally pushed myself and moved up by half mile increments. It has taken me almost three years to get up to four miles twice a week. Sometimes after my four mile walk. It is all I can do to function again at two forty five to go get my daughter from school, by three fifteen. Some days they hardly bother me. I have slowly increased (read seconds) my pace to get it under twenty minute miles. Now please explain to me what kind of employer will accept that kind of work schedule. I can’t tell you in advance, “Oh on Thursday I am not going to be able to function.” There are nights I literally go to bed thinking, “hey, I am feeling pretty decent.” Only to wake up feeling like a mack truck just ran me over a bulldozer came after and then I was used as a punching bag.

I get comments like, “Well if you can do four mile walks you can work.”

“I am so glad you know my body better than me.” Do you see any of what happens after that walk? NO, you don’t. Most of the time because I am sucking it up and functioning at some level for my daughter.

What you don’t realize is, walking and standing are two totally different things. I can walk and walk and walk. I can push myself to walk. Standing is a whole nother matter. I can stand for about five minutes. Fifteen minutes my hips and knees and ankles are screaming. I often push myself to do twenty minutes at a time. However, I rarely make the entire twenty minutes standing in one place.

What you are failing to realize when you call me lazy, is I am not you. Your body responds to different stimuli differently than my body will. I maybe young but I am dealing with a body that is falling apart.

Unless you are paying for my food, don’t tell me how I need to eat. Real fresh food is expensive. I don’t always have the money to get fruit and veggies from the farmers market. When I was working, I not only did not have the money, I did not have the time OR the energy. Supplements are great. I highly recommend taking supplements. However, they too cost money. It annoys me how much they cost. However, they work and they help, so I keep at it. Sometimes, I just need to eat emotionally. When I do, I don’t need someone criticizing my choice. I know it is horrible. I often will eat extra carefully for several days afterwards. We all have a balance. Sometimes I can maintain my balance. Sometimes I need to eat my feelings.

Next time you go to tell someone “You look fine, stop being lazy, get off your bum,” Maybe you should use your brain and think. Maybe just maybe you should ask that person how they are doing? How they are REALLY doing. Then all you have to do is listen, truly listen. I often won’t tell people how much I am hurting. I am here I am functioning I am okay. So the answer you get is . I am fine. I get tired of complaining. I get tired of giving any of my pain any kind of attention, even if it is just to acknowledge it is there.

If you could step into my brain for even just an hour. If you could hear my inner dialogue. If you could hear how hard I am on myself.If you could feel the frustration my brain has over the limitations of my body. You would think twice before speaking.

Stop judging people who live with invisible chronic illness and start truly helping us.

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9 responses »

  1. Great post, one I wish healthy people would read with an open mind. I, too, go through these kind of struggles – talking myself into getting out of bed, being able to exercise one day and finding the same exercise impossible another day, feeling great one day and awful the next. And, even though I’m a believer in healthy food, I agree that’s it’s expensive and I understand why many people don’t buy it. I bought some organic apples and just bout died at the checkout when I realized they were $2 each!

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    • yeah I am sure we could have more food in the house if I didn’t insist on certain things being fresh and organic but I feel the nutritional benefit outweighs the lack of food. It means we snack a lot less and that is not entirely a bad thing. Good News is Apples are coming back in season so prices will be dropping!

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  2. That kind of stuff just burns me, too, Erin. The short truth is that people simply don’t – or can’t – think outside themselves and don’t stop to consider what someone else’s circumstances might be. I have been in circumstances like this and I so understand where you’re coming from. My former employer never did quite understand when I would have bad RA days. You really just don’t know – anything can set it off and that part about going to bed OK and waking up like you’ve been run over? Yup. Hate that. Hang in there – there are those of us out here who totally get it.

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  3. What a great rant. If only we could get inside another’s brain – real empathy and compassion for others could begin. Do what you need to do for YOU.

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