I am stuck in bed today. I knew it was going to happen as soon as I heard the kid say ” Mommy”. I felt like my body had been filled with cement. It hurt just to roll over. I am glad she is able to get dressed and feed herself now because I would not have been able to do it this morning. I did not get dressed. I drove her to school in my pj’s and no shoes and no idea what my hair even looked like. I came back home. I took my morning medications had a bowl of granola and laid back down. I have tried to get up and function several times but I just end up severely fatigued and out of breath. I am trying to listen to my body. It does not want to have anything to do with functioning today.My lower back feels like someone lit it on fire and the sciatic nerves are flailing about saying we are on fire we are on fire. Headache, body aches, fatigue it is all here today. If I want to be any kind of parent when school gets out I need to rest. However being without my phone for like five days I have missed walking. I have missed taking pictures of things I see, things we are experiencing. I could have walked without my phone. I do have paths that I know how far it is without my pedometer. Sometimes its easier to not fight my OCD and my ocd was determined we could not walk without it. I have used our regular camera while my phone was out of commission. It just wasn’t the same. I have another whole blog post about this being without my phone coming.
I can look at today as a complete failure. I can’t function. I can’t be productive. I can’t.
or I can look at it this way.
I can take care of my body. My body needs rest. I can do that. I can rest and have enough energy to parent once the kid gets out of school. I can function for what is important. I am being productive. I am giving my body the rest it needs. The rest it is screaming for.
I am sure I could have medicated enough to push through it. I have done it before. It doesn’t get me anywhere really though. I still crash and often crash harder for having pushed when I needed to rest. I am trying to be smarter about that.
I am really not good at resting. I get restless. I want to do things. Anything! So I am reading. I am writing. I am playing games on my phone. I am passing the time away while resting in bed. I have tried to sleep. It still eludes me. Resting to me is the most frustrating part of chronic illness. My brain is still working. Its my body that says no. My brain says… DO ALL THE THINGS….my body says…hmm lets not.
So here is to resting. Here is to not seeing it as unproductive. Here is to looking for the good in everything.