Battling depression is hard work

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Depression is so tricky and tempting. Once it has it’s grip, it does not like to let go.

It is this soft voice that says ” it is so much easier to just stick with what we know.”

It lulls us into thinking it is okay to always want to escape reality…into our dreams…into books…into anything so that we don’t have to confront the feelings and deal with them.

Little do the people around us know or realize that just getting out of bed was a fifteen minute mental battle. The pro’s and con’s of getting out of bed, of deciding to confront the day instead of burrowing back under the covers. We have spent energy on this mental battle before we even get out of bed.

Medication helps, sometimes, but it is not going to do the work for you.  It is not going to force you to get out of bed. It is not going to force you to be social. It is not going to force you to laugh. It helps clear the fog so that you CAN do those things.  In the end though you still have to actually do it. You have to be the louder voice, not the depression. Sometimes I have forced myself to go. Sometimes just being there is enough, I start to enjoy myself. Other times, not so much. I got back and collapsed into bed, but I did it. It is easier and easier to keep doing things, to keep pushing the comfort zone. It is also okay to still allow yourself some moping time, some resting time, some take a deep breath we are doing it time.

For years I battled it with the help of psychologist. It was helpful. It was easier. It however got the point that I needed to step out and do, not talk. I stopped going to her and put into action some of the things that I needed to do. It helped. It worked. Then it was back. Medications change and It is harder to battle it. The cycle changes but it is always cycling. It is a battle that in order to stay on top of you can’t stop thinking about it.

I am back to figuring out what I need to do for therapy again. Do I pull out the depression CBT handbook? Do I go back to a different therapist as mine retired?

Then I go back to feeling frustrated because here we are , back at this. I do well on my own for a while. Sometimes I do well for months, sometimes years. Then I begin to get tolerant to the medication, or the therapy, or even more fun, both.  It is there in the quiet moments. In the in between functioning moments, like sitting in carline to pick up the kid. The quiet moments before falling asleep at night. It is a nightly battle to say, no I AM good enough. I AM making progress. Baby steps are still progress.

I try to remember that the depression is always there. It may be laying quietly and not doing much, it is not gone. It is how it lulls you into thinking its gone. Then it rears up and the cloud is back. It is even possibly raining again.  I think part of the reason I am so aware of it is because I also have fibromyalgia. The fatigue and muscle aches and other physical manifestations of Depression are also present with Fibromyalgia. So even when I am dealing with a very low level of depression, I have the more physical stuff all the time.

It is a tiring ongoing battle but it is worth it. It is worth keeping on top of. If we don’t we loose all ground that have been making progress. I find thinking about it as not completely gone helps me stay on medications and be mindful of where I am at mentally speaking.

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