Monthly Archives: December 2013

Free to a good home

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I really couldn’t seem to write anything serious today.

So I decided to write about what I am dealing with today.

It should come as no surprise. It happens every month. I have even had some clues it was coming.

I took my birth control this morning and it was like . “Oh that makes so much sense now!”

I am getting really close to period pills. It was easier for it to catch me by surprise the two months I wasn’t on Birth control. It is easier to remember when you take the birth control pill every day but there have been times that even then I am still caught by surprise..

PMS.

When you also have OCD/ADD mental health issues PMS becomes a very interesting, very interesting indeed.

 

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Its not that I wouldn’t love to have another baby or two. I would, but I can’t.  Medical issues and financial issues being what they are.

Technically the uterus works. It was pretty irritated and required bedrest but the end result was a happy healthy baby girl so it works.

I keep trying to offer it free to a good home. Like every chance I get. My doctor told me at this point it would be elective. I ELECT then. But I don’t quite want to pay 1500 dollars for that soooo….huge dramatic sigh.

If I saw a sign like this ……. I would drop everything and run screaming. ITS YOURS!

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TAKE IT NO MONEY NEEDED JUST TAKE IT!

And for extra fun that uterus in that picture up there. You can buy one at Iheartguts.com.

PMS sucks each month more so now that we are not trying to get pregnant or anything. Its like a useless thing to me.. All it does it cause trouble.

So there it is… In a few days because it wasn’t being used this is what will be happening.

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But even more fun is what comes before that .  You know the head spinning with projectile green vomit while saying I am not angry. Not angry at all.  Its all you guys not me that has the problem.  When you add the manic eating with IBS it becomes even more fun. Also the boobs that get super sore and sensitive and  when you already have skin sensitivities with fibromyalgia wearing a bra can turn into a form of self torture.

 

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Social anxiety can be awfully sneaky

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When most people think about social anxiety they think of a hermit afraid to go out into the world.

That is a thing. They were not wrong. It’s just not social anxiety per se.

..its a lot more like this…..for me…not everyone.

….looks around…watches some people

… looks around…..someone caught my interest. Then it happens.

oh god they looked at me okay breathe..

oh god they smiled. NOW WHAT!!!!

okay I can do this..Deep breathe….maybe….maybe if I return the smile a little they will just go away..

They smiled back. They start moving closer to me.

no no no no that was not an invitation to come talk to me.

no don’t talk to me. Did I brush my hair? I bet my teeth look really horrible. I wonder what they see when they see me. I bet they see a person who is a mess. They are clearly judging me. No no now come on they probably don’t think that. ….probably…but what if they do.  Oh god. I don’t care what they think. oh but I do. Even as I am telling myself I don’t I do.

They say Hi

Oh god okay.. um..Hi.

How old is your daughter?

small talk why is there always small talk. No no I don’t care how old their kid is. Oh but she is kinda cute.

Does she go to school here?

Why? why would they want to know that do they look safe. Do I feel safe vibes from them? Am I really flipping out about this question?

Sometimes that is all it gets too… Sometimes its worse..Sometimes I end the conversation abruptly because of a bad vibe or my own uncomfortableness.  Sometimes after a good chat with this new person I think. Hey that wasn’t so bad.  But every time it happens…EVERY TIME. Why do i get all flipped out about this…my confidence returns a little bit and I can tell myself that what the other person thinks does not matter. Sometimes I even believe it. Its a daily struggle with this for me.

Just because you can’t see how uncomfortable I am doesn’t mean I am not. Sometimes being in a room with a lot of people makes my skin crawl. Even if no one is talking to me. I am sure they are looking at me. I am sure they are critiquing what I am wearing how I look and on and on and on. I feel like there is this big beacon light shining on me. Even if its not. Even as I tell myself its not.

I know some people are much worse. I know some people it triggers all kinds of other things.

I really really really honestly truly wish I wasn’t like this even just in my head.

My daughter talks easily to others. Enjoys others company. Seems to enjoy small talk with other kids or adults. I admire that in her. Inside I am like No no don’t go talk to that kid. The mother/father/grandparent/guardian will feel inclined to come talk to me. At the same time I don’t want her to have my restrictions. In a lot of ways I have put myself in situations that I would have totally avoided because of my daughter. Because I don’t want her to have the same social anxieties I do. Mommy and me groups, School functions/performances, and so on. Its seems when you are a parent a part of you is always seeking out social things for the kids to do, even if it makes you cringe on the inside. Sometimes dealing with the social anxiety from going to the book store at story hour or the library is better than staying at the house all day, again.

I have a few friends that have it worse then me. One who actually has battled agoraphobia and another who if it flares she almost runs out of where ever she is. I get it. I understand. I get through a lot of my uncomfortable situations through gritting my teeth and pure Irish stubborn will. I joke about it. I post about it not just on chronically sick page but on my personal page as well. I try to use photography as a distraction to lessen it. I use sarcasm and humor. I really abhor that I have to take anti-anxiety meds at all. I really hate my dependence on them. I hate that I have to take something that both addresses anxiety and depression. They are separate things don’t get me wrong. They do however like to hold hands ….. a lot.

Social anxiety is not fun but it is also not what a lot of people assume it is either.

Yule…..It’s probably not what you think.

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First of all I have nothing against Christians.  I do  however have a problem with trying to deny the history of a holiday because it doesn’t match your beliefs.I may loose followers over this. That is okay with me. Its something I have given a lot of thought about. I have a major pet peeve. When people tell me to keep Christ in Christmas or say I won’t say Happy Holidays I will say Merry Christmas. You have just told me my opinion and my beliefs don’t matter to you. AT all.

This also doesn’t mean I don’t have Christian friends. I do. I have my beliefs they have theirs. We even sometimes debate points. We do it with respect. Respect of others beliefs and an open mind. I enjoy a good intellectual debate as long as we part as friends. No one takes offense.  I truly enjoy having friends with different beliefs than mine. It reminds me to remain open. To remain respectful.

So with that said. Here is the why.

Many people know that Christmas actually has its roots in Wicca and Pagan beliefs, many don’t bother to find out the details. It is witch craft. It must be shunned. This is exactly the attitude that continued to drive me away. It wasn’t one person or one experience. I wouldn’t say I am atheist either but I won’t just blatantly disregard information or science either.

There are many that will tell you Jesus Christ was not born in December. They may even know who started Christmas. To the best of my understanding it was the Roman Catholics who vehemently disagreed with Saturnaila. I understand why they disagreed with it. Basically it was/is against everything the Roman Catholic Church taught/teaches. They would only see the orgy part of it. The drinking in excess part of it. The nudity. Yeah I get it.

While Saturnaila is not the only thing celebrated at that time of the year. Winter Solstice is too. A festival of inner renewal. Based on Pagan god and goddess as well. Which actually speaks to me in ways I never realized. I always even as a child envisioned God as a female and a male. It made sense to me. Mistletoe and evergreens enter here as well. I can truly say that when I read about what is now Winter Solstice I was like yes.. That ..that is what I feel. I know for the most part it is a blend of traditions. Yule most likely is rooted in Norse Pagan Gods. Which most people that I have spoken to about this didn’t know. Pagan equaled Celtic or Druids to them. Not understanding that those are separate things. The lack of understanding is not the issue. If you don’t know that’s fine. Its the assumptions that I have an issue with and the decided decision to not learn about it at all. Again this is just what I personally have come across.

So excuse me if I role my eyes very hard when people say keep Christ in Christmas. I am totally and completely okay with you celebrating Christmas your way. Please don’t try and make me celebrate it the same way as you do. I respect that the symbols used now mean different things to you then they do me. I actually find that aspect very beautiful.

I refreshed my memory from these articles..

1.http://wicca.com/celtic/akasha/yule.htm

2. http://www.circlesanctuary.org/index.php/education/celebrating-the-seasons.html

3. http://www.simpletoremember.com/vitals/Christmas_TheRealStory.htm

4.http://www.timeanddate.com/calendar/december-solstice-customs.html