So…I have been struggling with what to write today….I kept searching and thinking and it hit me in the dentist office.
My horoscope said I would feel overwhelmed….I thought YES! but not with anything in my life really, well not much and its a lot less than I normally am So I start to think…it’s not really a feeling of being overwhelmed….I am more frustrated. Yeah frustrated describes it pretty good.
I have friends that are going through …well drama…but not like an attention seeking drama but just life drama….and its not really anything I can help with for the most part but just be there and let them sort it out. And its hard…the mommy part and the the friend part of me just wants to wrap them up and make it all better….protect them and yell at the people causing the drama in their lives….tell them to quit it. It’s not even the same kind of drama from one friend to another. One is relationship issues, one is family relationship issues one is crippling anxiety and one who has been sick for over a week and is just tired of it and the need to ask for help. i think the friend with anxiety hurts the most because I KNOW that struggle. I know that struggle is one that has to be done alone but yet with support.
My heart hurts for them. I want to go in and make it right. Not really because it would make things go back to the way they were but because they are hurting, They are struggling.
Most of them have kids that i consider like my own kids. There is no difference. I would fight for any of these kids just as strongly as I would fight for my kid. I have one biological child but I have nine really. Aw crap no I have eleven. See I can’t even count them.
Then I really start to think about it and I have been able to be there for them because in the first place I was taking care of myself. I have been really good at this self care thing the past two weeks or so. I have the energy and the emotional strength to be there for them. I remember a time that , I would not have been able to do what I have the past two weeks. That the problems of others would send me into extreme panic attacks. I would completely shut down. I couldn’t be there for anyone let alone for myself.
So even while I am frustrated by all of this, I need to remember how important this self care business is. Because this is the kind of person I want to be. The person who can and will drop everything and run to your side. Who has their shit together enough to be a rock for you when you need it. Who has friends that would do the same for her. So next time I want to shrug off self care…..I need to remember this. I need to focus on this.