Honestly checking in with myself

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So recently I have been thinking……about a lot of things. This is kind of a hodgepodge of that thinking.

I need to get actual employment. Of some sort. Somehow I would manage this. Even though I know physically, mentally I am not up to even part time working, being a mother , a wife and still being me. Is this really a need or a want? Hmm. hard to tell.

I really started to think about this. I starting thinking what works in my life right now.  When I realized….everything. Sure there are issues. Sure there are bumpy areas. However, It works. For the most part I am content. I am enjoying being able to help my friends and also lavish attention and love and care on Snickerdoodle and Princess P. That as much as I may complain about the kid. She is a good kid. I enjoy being able to be fully involved in school and home life.  Don’t ask me about that in the middle of the summer though, or two weeks before school starts. I do however realize now how much I do love the fifteen minutes waiting in carline…Listening to NPR or spent reading.  Even though the time may have flown by to pick her up. The energy she brings into the car is amazing. She truly is my sunshine.

I feel my marriage is pretty strong and that we are pretty good in that area. Even though yes….I complain sometimes there too.  He is a good guy.  One of the few good catches.. Sorry girls…he is mine..He is very much taken.   He is taking care of us, he is the rock of our family.  I still am not quite sure how he has put up with me for almost fifteen years now. IT boggles my mind. All that aside we are a good team. We made a beautiful daughter. We may not always see eye to eye but we make it work.

Then I look at what I am not doing, I am not falling into an exhausted pile of goo at seven pm. Not even able to put my daughter to bed. I can’t say there aren’t days. there are. Its just not happening every single night.  I am not using medications to get me through the day. I do still take medication just not nearly the amount I used to. Going off some of those medications made me realize how much they were actually allowing me to function. I don’t want to function only by medication alone. I didn’t have time for friends, or a social life if I wanted one outside the scope of work and the kid’s school. I didn’t have time to help friends and I was constantly torn by working or helping my family when they need it.

I have never been good at waiting and I always wanted to jump ahead. I didn’t want to start at the bottom and work my way up. I wanted what I wanted right this minute. I felt like I had to be the important person to feel accomplished and worthwhile. Now that is not so important. I feel fulfilled in what I am doing now. I finally feel like I am doing what is right for me. The thing that surprises me the most is the people who have supported me in the past two years and kept reminding me that self contentment was important too.

We don’t have a lot of money. Getting a job would help that. My question keeps coming back to is it worth it. Is it worth it to get a job, any job, and loose what I have now. What i have worked for two years to get to. Two years with minimal therapy I might add.  So we don’t have a lot of money. We have enough most of the time. We have other things that money can’t buy.

Writing is helping in many ways. Not just me, others have emailed me. Its been incredible the people that it has touched. I don’t think I am the best writer. There are other blogs that I follow that I think say things so much more eloquently than I. I am grateful that some of them actually talk with me, guide me and  help me. A few of them have even reminded me that it doesn’t matter about the quality of the writing skills if it helps someone else..That’s what matters. Grateful.

Some people run from self analysis……I apparently adore it. I can’t stop doing it.Sometimes I drive myself nuts with it, I drive my friends nuts with it. The good ones know its just how I am. The one thing that therapy taught me was I have to be honest with myself. I have to put myself on trial so to speak. Swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So maybe I don’t over analyze myself too much. Maybe because there are things I want to change that all this self-analysis is keeping me honest with myself. I went through years of therapy without doing this. I didn’t change any of the things I wanted to change.  I made progress but it was painfully slow. I was constantly frustrated that things were not changing, remember that whole lack of patience thing.  Strangely enough it wasn’t til after I stopped therapy, my therapist retired, that the changing started to happen. No longer was I pouring my frustrations out to someone else. Now I was alone with my thoughts. That was kinda scary at first.  I am good at being in denial…..but not the denial that can’t see whats wrong…..the kind that sees the problem and whispers not now and tip toes around it. Then one day I am ready and it goes down. Sometimes its because the issue had a deadline. Sometimes its just because I have talked myself in circles enough that I just want to deal with it and get it gone.

The more I have thought about this, that I constantly look at what I am doing what I am feeling, you know what it does make me? Grateful.  Grateful that I have the friends that I do, the family that I have, the life that I have.  Incredibly grateful.

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