Sometimes checking helps.

Standard

I made several wrong decisions in how I handled it but I severed ties with my mother and my youngest sister a little over a year ago. It was hard but I had had enough. Sometimes a quick cut off is the best route though. It is so much harder with family though. This is where you are suppose to not be judged, to be free to be WHO you are and HOW you are. It had been a long long long time since I had felt that way with these two members.

On the way to this meeting of all the family, My  hands were clammy and shaky. My stomach was in knots and I was certain I would puke any second.I did not want to hear what had been going on and yet I still did want to hear. It’s easier to tell yourself you don’t care anymore that , that part had been fried many years before. Its another when you are confronted with it. I had taken my ativan before venturing out. I knew I was going to need it. I was functioning. I was able to go get my daughter early from school. I was able to have decent conversations with others. Even though I got a little out of breath a few times. I was talking too fast , I couldn’t stop though. I couldn’t even think about what we where we were going.

When I had gotten the plans, my first thought was to say no. That however was not fair for my daughter. They are still her family. I wasn’t leaving her alone with them. I would be there. I felt I was able to control myself (with medication of course) that was not really what I was worried about. It was how to explain the situation to my daughter if and when it came up. I do know her. It will come up. Why I expected it to come up right away  I am not sure.  Its almost like she knew I needed the recovery time.

The questions still haven’t happened but the whole event re-affirmed my decision for the split. The same issues are still there. its saddening and disheartening at the same time. I understand some people have no family left due to death. I am not sure which is worse. They both pretty much suck balls.

One day it will be up to my daughter whether she wants to attempt a relationship. I want to protect her from this kind of heart pain. I know I can’t but I want to.

The fact that I even allowed the meeting to take place shows me how far I have come in therapy and mental health.

Advertisements

Talk to me! Tell me your thoughts!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s