My Anxieties have anxieties and Contingencies have contingencies

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The thing about anxiety is…..it does not make rational sense.

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You can know that it does not make rational sense. The anxiety is not rational. The weird thing is…..that doesn’t mean it just goes poof…gone,no longer an anxiety. You can tell yourself that its an irrational thought. Even  saying that doesn’t always help. No matter how many times I say it.

A friend of mine and i took the kids to an aquarium a bit away and had a great discussion about anxiety.

I can tell people I have anxiety. I can even talk about some of my anxieties. I know some of my triggers. Tornados, waterspouts ,funnel clouds…Yeah any word that is along those lines. I can’t handle. Before we moved if we were under a Tornado warning i would have to go pick up my daughter. I had to have her with me. Did it make any kind of logical sense to go out in bad weather? Not even a little. I knew that. Really I did. I was a mess if I tried to be logical and not go get her.

When we were really strapped for cash I still refused to put my daughter on the school bus. I couldn’t do it. Just the very thought of it made my anxiety border right on panic immediately. It took me two years to allow myself to even consider a halfway point. I will take her to school and the bus can bring her home. Anti-anxiety medications helped a lot.  Telling me that I was being ridiculous didn’t help, I had to see her actually get to school. I even walked her to her class most days.  I knew it wasn’t reasonable I knew I was using gas we didn’t have to do this. I just had to.  It wasn’t that I didn’t trust the school bus driver,or wasn’t that completely. Accident’s are not always the blame of just one driver.  I think to a certain extent I was okay with any picking on that might happen on the school bus as that is normal childhood stuff. I think also my hatred of riding the school bus as a child and the headaches I got from it spurred some of it. I also will fully admit that it was a mix of it all.

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I am also very picky about cooking food and then eating it. I have never given myself, my husband or my child food poisoning.  I have however thrown away food that was even slightly iffy. Even if other people told me it was okay. I still couldn’t get past that to serve it. This is also why for the most part I don’t eat left overs. My husband does. My daughter does too sometimes. Me not so much. I think way too much about the food. Do I have to heat it up to the same temperature? What if it doesn’t heat the right way? Did I refrigerate it soon enough? If its a choice of eating said food or being hungry. I will be hungry every single time. I know I am not that great of a cook but I actually prefer for it to be overdone than underdone. Finding that happy medium is elusive for me.

People who don’t understand anxiety just don’t get it.  The biggest pet peeve I have is let go and let God. That just does nothing for me.  I tried really hard. It was finally both my Pastor and my therapist who said. Have you ever “owned” your religion or did you just follow?  Truthfully when I really thought about it and really got serious and followed what was true for me. I finally found a lot of help. Just the guilt leaving was helpful. It had nothing to do with not praying enough, not believing enough or not deserving it.  As an aid for some people it does help. It has helped some of my closest friends.  Not saying they don’t have anxiety anymore they just have a better hold on it. Its not taking over their lives. Sometimes that is all you can do with anxiety. Not let it take over.

Same thing with saying who cares what they think. Well I can say that , I can believe it most of the time.  For me its still a daily struggle. It is still an hourly thing sometimes to tell myself I don’t care what others think so long as I am good with what I am doing, wearing, saying.  I am continually trying to build my self confidence, self esteem . Writing has been one of those things that helps me a lot.

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My panic attacks seem to need to build up. My daughters however are quick. She has to be removed from the situation. One time it was during a haircut. Same hair dresser as always. She thought he cut the back of her neck and for the rest of that day nothing would get through to her. I had to promise to watch a week later when we tried to go back.Luckily we have a FABULOUS hair dresser and he was just as crushed  and wanted to rectify it. They talked first and he asked how he could make it better. She and i had already talked about it. So she was able to say, “could you hold the hair and scissors away from my skin” .  We had discussed several options ahead of time. What if the first request couldn’t be done.

I do this a lot so I was not surprised that she needed multiple ways to deal. We will do this , if that doesn’t work we will do this.  I can normally feel secure in two alternatives sometimes however I can’t stop and have to have multiple plans of attack so to speak.

Some of my anxieties are over small everyday things to other people. The fact that its such a small thing makes people think I should be able to talk about it. This is not the case.  I know this and still writing this and planning on writing this I did not realize how big of a deal it would be until I started it.

Anxiety makes you think about every aspect of something and have plans in mind on how to deal with everything that comes up. I shouldn’t say every aspect because often the most logical thing can escape me.

 

**Disclaimer***It may have been the Fibro Fog…I however could not seem to follow the images back to one person….to give credit…I will publicly say these are not my images. They were found on Google Image under anxiety.

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2 responses »

  1. I have a slight understanding of your anxiety/panic attacks, having been with my sister thru several episodes and the pain is unmistakeable, regardless of the reason. I appreciate your willingness to share your challenges with your readers. PS. I love the phrase “Let go Let God” Hard to manage, I agree, but I try nonetheless!

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  2. I have a lot of anxiety issues too. I think, especially for people with anxiety disorders, having anxiety involving your kids or other loved ones is natural. It feels crazy to let your child out of your sight and not be able to know what is happening… and if there is danger of a tornado, of course you would want to have her in your sight! I don’t even have kids, but I have a lot of anxiety about my dogs. I get nervous about walking my small dog because I am afraid an owl will swoop down and steal her.And when I am work and there is a thunderstorm, I worry that the house will get struck by lightening while I am gone and the dogs will get killed! 😦

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