The other day I was going through pictures of my daughter, starting when she was born. She is turning eight in three weeks and I just can’t believe how quickly its gone. Then I started to notice something. I really had lost the baby weight.
I started really looking at me. There were not very many , mostly because I was the one taking the pictures. So then I started thinking , I remember I got down to 130 something and was okay with that. For years before getting pregnant I struggled to stay at 123 which kept me just inside normal weight and not underweight. I ate every two hours but I didn’t eat alot at a time.
I started really seriously trying to pin point when I gained the weight.
Its not that I am so obsessed with my body image. Actually for the most part it was just the opposite. I didn’t really care about clothes too much. I was and still am most comfortable in jeans and a tshirt. Toss a pair of sandals on and I felt complete.
I have seen peoples reactions when I was super skinny and struggling to gain weight or to even maintain my weight. It was always slightly disgusted and disbelief that I wasn’t anorexic or bulimic. That I really did try to gain weight. It was annoying.
I am pretty sure the switch from Paxil to Cymbalta was the start of gaining weight. Then I ended up on prednisone for a multitude of reasons. It started getting harder and harder to keep my weight steady. It was a slow rise so we really were not too worried.
Last year I had to go off all my meds for two months. I didn’t loose weight like so many people do. I actually gained weight because I was less and less able to move and be as active as I had been. Its been a constant battle since to just even maintain weight. I try to keep a good attitude about it but I am doing everything that I am suppose to be doing. Even my doctor was stumped about why I continued to gain weight. I kept detailed logs on activity and food intake. It still didn’t add up.
I am thankful that my husband loves me no matter what size I am. He does however support my desire to loose weight and it did bother him much more than me when I was gaining weight. I didn’t need to hear him say I was gaining weight. That I was getting fat. I could see it happening. I wasn’t entirely okay with it either.
I struggle now a bit more about self image. I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I want to change it. I strive to change it. I hate when my joints and my pain say NO to activity. I know I push myself to much through alot of it. I won’t give in though. I won’t just let it happen.
Its harder I think on people with chronic illnesses as we often already feel helpless about how we feel. Its not a big leap to feel helpless about how we look.
I am not satisfied at where I am weight wise however I also understand the effect medication have had. I am trying to be patient with my body, with loosing weight and with myself on what I look like.