How did this happen?

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The other day I was going through pictures of my daughter, starting when she was born. She is turning eight in three weeks and I just can’t believe how quickly its gone. Then I started to notice something. I really had lost the baby weight.

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I started really looking at me. There were not very many , mostly because I was the one taking the pictures. So then I started thinking , I remember I got down to 130 something and was okay with that. For years before getting pregnant I struggled to stay at 123 which kept me just inside normal weight and not underweight. I ate every two hours but I didn’t eat alot at a time.

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I started really seriously trying to pin point when I gained the weight.

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Its not that I am so obsessed with my body image. Actually for the most part it was just the opposite. I didn’t really care about clothes too much. I was and still am most comfortable in jeans and a tshirt. Toss a pair of sandals on and I felt complete.

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I have seen peoples reactions when I was super skinny and struggling to gain weight or to even maintain my weight. It was always slightly disgusted and disbelief that I wasn’t anorexic or bulimic. That I really did try to gain weight. It was annoying.

I am pretty sure the switch from Paxil to Cymbalta was the start of gaining weight. Then I ended up on prednisone for a multitude of reasons. It started getting harder and harder to keep my weight steady. It was a slow rise so we really were not too worried.

Last year I had to go off all my meds for two months. I didn’t loose weight like so many people do. I actually gained weight because I was less and less able to move and be as active as I had been. Its been a constant battle since to just even maintain weight.  I try to keep a good attitude about it but I am doing everything that I am suppose to be doing. Even my doctor was stumped about why I continued to gain weight.  I kept detailed logs on activity and food intake. It still didn’t add up.

I am thankful that my husband loves me no matter what size I am. He does however support my desire to loose weight and it did bother him much more than me when I was gaining weight.  I didn’t need to hear him say I was gaining weight. That I was getting fat. I could see it happening. I wasn’t entirely okay with it either.

I struggle now a bit more about self image. I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I want to change it. I strive to change it. I hate when my joints and my pain say NO to activity. I know I push myself to much through alot of it. I won’t give in though. I won’t just let it happen.

Its harder I think on people with chronic illnesses as we often already feel helpless about how we feel. Its not a big leap to feel helpless about how we look.

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I am not satisfied at where I am weight wise however I also understand the effect medication have had. I am trying to be patient with my body, with loosing weight and with myself on what I look like.

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One response »

  1. I have given up weight wise, just gunna be me, i have lost weight heaps of times and felt no better, and always putting on double…i am 56…just gunna take life one day at a time…feel sorry for my poor knees and lower back but even that seems to fluctuate wether they seem bother me or not ,pain wise……This HUGE fat lady appears in every mirror and shop window ,stalking me around the shops…i have decided to befriend her……HUGS!!!!…

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