A bittersweet Fathers Day.

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Fathers day….so many mixed emotions for me. While I love watching my daughter with my husband…..I miss my dad.

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September 16th 2000 my husband and I got married. My father walked me down the isle…We were a little too ready and didn’t wait til the last bridesmaid got to the alter…..Nope We were sure we were suppose to go when she got to a certain pew…Even the pastor was trying to stop us…nope…wasn’t happening. We were walking down that isle.

January 2002 I got my first pregnancy test. It was really hard to make it to that first appointment. January 31st finally came. Everything collapsed. There was no heartbeat and my uterus did not feel like it should. That ultrasound was the saddest thing I had ever seen.We were trying so very hard. Why was it eluding us.

February 5th 2002 I was kinda flipy floppy about if I should go have lunch with Dad or just stay at work in the break room. I called him. He had plans but I was welcome to go with him. Naw no big deal, perhaps tomorrow. We went on our ways……little did I know that tomorrow would not come. An hour and half later my mom called to say he had a heart attack and was on his way to the hospital.

My father wasn’t there to hold his first grandbaby. Oh how I missed him that day. Missed his big grin when he was super happy. Missed seeing him hold my baby.

Father’s day is bittersweet to me for this reason. Its the one day that  I know I will think about him.

My anxiety has been super high the past week and I couldn’t figure out why. See that’s the sneaky thing about anxiety…it recognizes things but your subconsciousness kind of suppresses it until someone says something and then its like…..oh…that’s it…that’s what spiked my anxiety. That’s why I have been having panic attacks out of nowhere. I didn’t really associate the two right away. Trying to protect myself from even eleven years later to still miss him, mourn him. To see my daughter with her father and her grandfather and know that there is one missing. The picture doesn’t seem complete. Not everyone gets that. They don’t understand how that could be the cause. That I want to protect myself from the emotions that will come. Others will get it right away. I feel things very deeply and my anxiety is closely tied to that. There isn’t much I can say that will convey it any better.

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I see alot of my father in my daughter as well. I know his physical form is gone, his spirit is definitely strong in her sometimes. She has spit things out and I was just stupefied that she said that. She has never met him but his words just came out of her mouth. I like to be outside and hike in good weather. She enjoys being outside despite the weather. It reminds me of him working on his compost pile.  She appreciates old cars which is no surprise. My husband and I have a big love of them. My mother drives a 1956 Chevy Belair. She just has this quiet appreciation that he had. Its hard to describe this detail. Its just there.

We have had discussions about him. She knows who he is.  It seems like a small comfort but it really isn’t. She knows who he is. Its important.

Fathers are important even when they are gone. There impact lasts.

So yeah a bittersweet Father’s day it is. It doesn’t take away from the day at all. It adds to it. Makes it even more special.

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So here is to future Father’s days…when she is older and he annoys her…I hope she looks back on these blogs and these pictures and remembers…Remembers how lucky she is to have a Father who is there. Who cared. Who loves her. Who has done a great job thus far shaping her into the wonderful lady she will be.

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