The long wait.

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In many ways today was like waiting for my friend to go into labor. You knew the baby was coming. You just weren’t sure what time.  Instead of waiting for contractions I am watching out the window waiting for a minivan.

For the people who know me, Know how big of a deal it was that I let my daughter out of my sight for a whole week. Of course with this specific person its been alternating houses for sleepovers for almost two years.  There was alot of trust built up. We have known each other four years and change. Their oldest is seven months younger than my daughter. They have three girls. We have one. They are as close as sisters. They fight like sisters. They play like sisters. They have been such a blessing in our lives in so many ways.

So it wasn’t a just here take my kid for a week. At one point my closest friends didn’t even think sleep overs would happen. Just the thought would send me into a panic attack. If I wasn’t there my husband was there. When she was nine months old. She went to Seaworld with family and my husband tagged along. It made it more bearable. But I still was a worried mess. Then her first tooth broke through all the way. I wasn’t there. I was crushed.

My daughter was the long awaited child for my husband and I. We lost a pregnancy and we had a turbulent pregnancy with her. Fighting with preterm labor starting at 23 weeks. THen a rocky delivery . I often say I have earned my right to paranoia…

The first day was pretty glorious…Hubby went to work and no one woke me up. No one was there asking me to play brain pop, or if we could go catch ladybugs.  I got the whole bed to myself that night too.

The Second day…..I was ready for a phone call. It was still nice to have a bit of freedom. To not have to think about why this ladybug only had four dots and this one had lots. To not have to think what kind of butterfly this caterpillar would turn into. Feast day with a friend was a nice way to distract myself. Then off to get meds and do normal errands. Minus the kid tagging along. Walking the curb in the parking lot or trying to balance on the big red balls on the way into target.

Day three okay the anxiety is pretty high. Kinda like a back burner that was starting to bubble over. Slowly so it was hardly noticeable. The little bubbles escaping down the sides…..me biting my nails obsessively. A trip to the paw park and some distraction.

Day Five. Finally get a text that they are going to call. I can’t wait. I need to do something. I need….I need….I need to clean. I am at there house. We haven’t gone to the paw park yet.  I vacuum most of the rooms, run the swifter mop, wipe down the counters. Adrenaline is wearing off when they finally call.  Have you ever heard your kid on the phone? Her voice sounds so much different. She sounds even younger than she is. Super cute at the same time. Do others hear her voice this way? I missed the first call and they left a voicemail. I have listened to that voicemail like ten times already.

Day Seven…..waiting. and waiting. and Trying not to be on edge. I managed to keep myself busy  in the morning. I needed the few hours til I thought they would be home. Now is she home now. was that door slam them? I could look out the window from where i was laying and see if the minivan was here. I think I spent more time watching that window than the tv or the fb newsfeed. Was I remembering correctly? They were coming back sunday right? Um…okay visualize their kitchen table.  Visualize what was going on around us. Okay pretty sure there was some talk of spending the night Sunday night at perhaps the halfway mark or three fourths of the way mark.  Fighting the urge not to repetitively call her cell phone. I know she forgets she has it. I know its often set to vibrate so she doesn’t hear it. Feeling like it will be a long night. I take my emergency anxiety meds. Mark it down in the calendar to tell the therapist I see for fifteen minutes every three months. Its something. Its all medicaid allows…again…its something.

Honestly I am quite shocked that I didn’t get late night phone calls from her crying that she misses us. Its just a reminder that she is growing and is and was ready for this. Probably long before I was ready.

I know the few days prior I tried not to think about it. I tried to stay in that level of denial. If I don’t think about it, its not happening.

Not only am I trying to hold back my anxiety about where they are and how close they are and what they think their arrival time will be……I am trying not to text or attempt phone calls too often. Then I worry about how often I called how often I sent a text. I try to tell myself if my friend is her normal self she won’t even notice the phone until I tell her I texted and called.

I know they will get here when they get here. I am just so ready for hugs and kisses and snuggles and giggles. To answer fifty five million questions before noon. To hear every little detail of her trip she wants to tell me.

So I sit and wait. I am hoping the premiere of Alaska the last frontier and then a new one called North America…I hope it distracts me and if they are staying over that I fall asleep. Not toss and turn. Not hold my phone in my hand the entire night. Just sleep I don’t even need to dream. Just sleep. Time passes. And just know that when she does get here we will snuggle and talk and watch marathons of our favorite shows.

One more quick look out the window. I know when that minivan really is there, I will say how could I miss this? I totally would have seen them. I am sure even watching Tv in my PJ’s I will keep sneaking peaks…And the phone close by.

So they will be home today. Sometime. I am actually much calmer than I thought I would be. I was up several times last night. Checked my phone each time.  What did surprise me was I did not lounge in bed. I was awake at seven thirty and out the door by eight fiftteen…Took neeka to the paw park then an emergency vet visit for loose stools. I really did expect to be more anxious today. Perhaps it is because I am sitting at their house. I will know the second they get home. It doesn’t mean I don’t jump every time my phone goes off.  It doesn’t mean I stop looking out the window. Perhaps Neeka and I will just take a long meandering walk to pass the time.

As I reread what I have written I am just so struck by how far I have come in my progress against anxiety.

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