The Miracle

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Have you ever watched a baby be born?

Okay if you have been following me long enough you will know I just recently got to experience this. Almost eight years after delivering my daughter at the same hospital,which by the way is also the hospital I was born at, this was a first.

It was such an adrenaline rush for me.  Pain? nope it didn’t even register…I didn’t even think about how long I had been awake….or on my feet or really anything.  Oh sure the husband texted in a few times about those trivial things like getting our daughter to school and if he needed to pack a lunch. For the most part though it was all background stuff.

 

The mothering in me came out and all it was about was what the momma to be needed or wanted.

 

I think we need this kind of experience once in a while. To remind us how precious life is.  To remind us what a fragile fragile hold we have on life.

 

I remember thinking its taking so long every detail will be etched in my mind…..a week later it seems like its only been hours and its already blurring.

Fibromyalgia is flaring its head letting me know how unhappy it was about the whole thing. There are times that I moan and groan through flares. This isn’t one of those times. This time the flare is so worth it. This is what I strive for. Rest when I can and pace when I can and when I can’t try and make sure the flares are flareworthy.

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There are many things I could say about watching a new life come into the world. The mama to be pushing with all her might to get that baby out. The instant love that occurs when mama sees baby for the first time. I some how managed not to cry. I am not really sure how I did.  The only thing I could think of afterwards was that I was so happy and in such awe…I don’t normally cry when I am super happy like that. I didn’t cry when my daughter came out either now that I think of it.

Its life affirming in a way that nothing else can be.

Then the short stay in NICU intensive care was just so overwhelming. These tiny little fighters that say NO I am NOT giving up. The nureses who care so deeply for these tiny little miracles. It was very overwhelming.  Every time an alarm went off my heart was in my throat…Even for some who had the blankets over their warmer and I couldnt see in. My thoughts were no…fight it baby fight it. When babies next to us were moved up it was a celebration. When new babies came in it was with baited breath that we waited. ..

With it all being still so fresh its a wonderful reminder about all the wonderful things that mothers do. We really are pretty badass when you look at what we go through to bring kids into this world. Some of us even do it more than once! That pain is so fleeting and the rewards so many. I really can’t blame people for doing it more than once. Once we push that baby out or try and still have to have a c-section, we go on to catch puke in our hands, Change diapers that have exploded poop out the side up the back and up the front. We don’t blink we just do it. We set our needs aside for these wonderful little human beings.

On the positive side when people ask why we caught that puke or allowed the bugger to be wiped into our hand our response is…I am a mother, its what I do.

There is just something inside that changes. I would say I think it starts in pregnancy but actually I think it starts from the second you first see your baby. That first look. It adds a new layer of worry of love of anticipation of joy and even sorrow. Sorrow over loss of sleep. Sorrow over how quickly they grow.

And really the truth be told. Even if someone would have shown me what the worst moments in parenting were like…..Even if they could have shown me how my illnesses would have progressed…..I would still have done it all. I still would have had my daughter. I still would have been at my friends side when she birthed her daughter.  The only thing I would have changed is …I would have tried harder to be present in this moment. I would have tried harder to not worry so much about the future.  To just cherish every single moment. To take at least ten more pictures when I thought I already had enough pictures.  To write things down at the end of the day or at nap time.  I did alot of that but not daily. Not all the time. It seems so long when you are going through it. Oh I will have the time to do that. When truth is…you don’t.

Mothers already do so much to begin with. Go through so much.  Then you add what we go through with when dealing with chronic illness. Its amazing that we survive each day. That we not only survive that alot of us THRIVE. We say no, I am not giving up. This fight is flareworthy and I won’t walk away.  I know it will hurt , I know it will probably get worse, But I am in it for the long haul no matter what. When its finally all done , I want to be able to look back and say. I DID THAT!

 

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