Change changes change

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You would think that with the constantly changing types of pain we have….that change wouldn’t be a big deal

We moved almost five months ago…..as we left the house we lived in for thirteen years…I wondered how I would ever look at the new place as home… How would anything else become my sanctuary the way my house had in the last two years we lived there.  I like change. I don’t like when things are always the same. At the same time I also like routine. I’m odd like that.

.I realized within weeks of moving It had
Indeed become home. My bedroom is still my sanctuary and really not much changed other than housing. I still miss our house….but its already a dull ache and the chaos as things breaking almost daily the last few months doesn’t seem like it was THAT bad.

I think we get caught up in that typically when our symptoms change something has gotten worse. So we start to associate all change as being bad. Most of the time this comes under the didn’t know it was coming change. When we institute a change it tends to have a different  meaning. We wanted it to change. We were ready for it to change. Perhaps the didn’t know it was coming change can fall under that category as well if we just let it. For me that is the challenging part.

Most of us say we are open to change but when you suggest how to change it, most of us say uh uh no way. Just think if the caterpillar took that thought process. I am not changing I am gonna stay a caterpillar. I know how to be a caterpillar. I know what to look out for, what to do and what not to do.I don’t know what will happen once I go into that cocoon. If the caterpillar thought that it would never get to experience flying.  It is one animal that literally changes. Not only its size but also its mode of transportation as well. Crawling was okay for the caterpillar but Flying is what it was MEANT for.  I mean have you ever seen something enjoy flying as much as a butterfly seems to? Can you watch a butterfly fly about and NOT smile?

I have been trying to look at changes differently. To look at them as helpful and not hurtful. To try and glean the lesson from them and to learn from them. My OCD brain says no I must have it this way. It must go this way. This is the way it needs to go. While the other more rational side of me says, well maybe this way IS better. Its a constant battle some days. I can easily talk myself in circles some days. Heck I can make myself walk in circles this way too.

I like this quote from Mary Engelbriet. “If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.”

It really is quite helpful to me to think this….Can I change it? yes okay. If not, then how can I see this as a good thing?  Going back to moving …we are now closer to our daughters school. So much so that we can walk her to school. I can walk to pick her up. This could be a very good change. On the rare day that both my husband and I are home we try to walk and pick her up together. Alot of the times we take the dogs. We are doing something constructive but also getting some quality time together as a couple and as a family.  There are other things like now I also have someone else who can cook dinner, help keep up the house and other little things like that.  It all depends on how I look at it. Or how good the food is, which is probably pretty good because I know I don’t cook very well.

I used to think that not changing how I believed meant I was firm in what I did believe in. If I really held on to that, then I would have ruined alot of things that have been good for me.  Sometimes we take a bit too much comfort in not changing. If we accept something that we once thought was not true because the proof of it is in our face, we have changed for the better. Of course that is just my opinion. It has been said that those who adapt survive. Well I want to not only survive but also thrive! IF that means I have to change the way I view something then thats what I am going to do. Its not like snapping my fingers. Its hard. Especially if it is something you grew up believing and now you don’t. It was easier then, I didn’t have all the information. In this way ignorance was bliss. Its a struggle some days to remain  on course, to making the changes I want. While also dealing with the changes life throws at me.

I think whats hardest for me to grasp is …..its okay to want things to stay the same, to stay safe, to stay in the known.  Its okay to acknowledge that change is hard. AS long as I keep in mind that I am changing little by little. I am adapting and Dammit I am not only going to survive these changes I am going TO THRIVE too!

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