Anxiety is an awful burden………….and a unique pleasure.

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Today’s writing prompt is Decisions, Decisions. Here is what that brought tumbling out of my brain today.

The burden of over-thinking things. Sometimes it sits very heavy on my shoulders. Tonight scrutinizing my child’s report card, knowing that she is probably going to be retained to second grade. Wanting to make sure that I am doing everything I can to see her succeed. To not take a retention as a failure on my part, To remind myself she is not me. To see it in a positive light.To remember this is where there is benefit in her being in a montessori school.Grade levels are not as defined as in public schools. Its not like her report card is horrid. Its mostly A’s and B’s a few C’s but with the FCAT looming………..I have to remind myself she will be more confident with another year under her belt. I know my child, I know she will excel the best this way. But that nagging thought that nagging voice that won’t stop.

Sometimes anxiety is so paralytic that I need someone who is thinking straight to step in and say why don’t you do this then that? Someone who can see the big picture while I am looking at the details, and visa versa. Its taken me awhile to find friends that are capable of this. As I relate most to people who are exactly like me. To see their differrences as a benefit not only to me but my child as well. To see that we have learned and grown and become better from these differences. That they all started from one decision. To reach out . To change. To be who I wanted to be inside and out.

For me its rarely a quick thing to make a decision. Its back and forth and up and down and then perhaps we are ready. This is where my ocd comes in and can get truly annoying. Really it does. It annoys me that I do this. I set up the pantry.It works it functions. No it does not work It needs to be this way. it works it functions. No I like it better this way. I am constantly rearranging and redoing and rethinking. I rarely do something and leave it alone. I believe the saying if its not broken don’t fix it. But then that little OCD voice says but perhaps it would function better this way.

I am great at starting things, not always so great at finishing things. I have great intentions but the follow through is lacking. This has haunted me all my life. I struggle against it.I hate this part. I want to follow through. I want to I really do. People will tell me if you want to , you will. Sorry, not with a brain that is all over the place constantly. 

It doesn’t help that as I have gone along in life , there have been things that have made anxiety even harder. Sleep deprivation, chronic pain, oh and having a kid!

When i really sit down and think about these things I realize no I have not failed my daughter. I have made mistakes and thats okay. It happens. We move on. Its the moving on thats important. Its the moving on that anxiety does not like. 

I fight a battle every day to keep my anxiety back. To go forward even though it is hard and the fear can be overwhelming. This has actually helped me in other ways. To make changes to keep trying and to not stop. 

Anxiety is okay, Anxiety can be helpful. Taking time to self reflect and check in with yourself is okay. Its good. 

Anxiety has made me a better parent. I am continually striving to be better, to do better, and that can only help. It has caused me to realize taking the time to make sure I am okay helps me make sure she is okay. Not only is it making sure she is okay but its also teaching her to   make sure she takes time for her as well. Teaching her that self care is just as important as caring for others. 

I am a happy person in general and I know I hide my anxiety well.  I relate to both Tigger and Eeyore. I like to be happy and cheery and boucny and fun but I also really like my deep dark storm clouds of thought. I think often that is when I make the best decisions. 

Today I felt a need to write but couldn’t pin point what I wanted to write. There was a writing prompt today of decisions decisions.  Well there are multiple times a day where I want more decisions. More decisions than even others think are necessary. Then there are times in that very same day where I am tired of making decisions. I don’t want to make any more. 

Its such a unique feeling to know that you are doing the right things, taking the right steps to get to where you want to be. Yet there is still that little voice that says nope you are wrong, this is wrong you are not doing this right. Its hard to remember to tell that little voice that there is not always a clear right or clear wrong way to do something. Sometimes there is just doing. 

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