It really was coming along so nicely…It had a great start. Even a bit of drama thrown in. I met my husband in 1998. Three weeks later he was on life support and in a coma for four days. A very miraculous recovery he walked out of the hospital two weeks later. We got married in 2000. We had a midevil theme of castles and knights in shining armor.
We found a house. We started to settle down. We had some major bumps with infertility and miscarriage. Then the sun came back out and we had our daughter in 2005. Soon after this….the way I pictured things and the way things turned out started to differ. I am pretty sure this is where alot of the anger I had in the beginning of my illness.
It took me so long to realize I was missing things by being so very angry.This anger was boiling under the surface but when someone asked me why I was so angry I said I wasn’t. It was a form of denial. I see that now. I didn’t then. I was in therapy. It was helping but the anger really wasn’t going away mostly because I wouldn’t acknowledge it was there. That low simmering anger that this is not how it was suppose to go. I was suppose to be having fun. I was in my twenties. I had a husband a beautiful kid. Where did that contentment go that I had? Why couldn’t anyone else see how EVERYTHING effected ME.
It wasn’t til after four years of therapy that I started to understand. There were other people being affected by this than me. Maybe it wasn’t all about me after all. Maybe I needed to be laid off to get some perspective. Two months later I got a job. I was confident I could do it. Even the new boss had an aunt with Fibroymalgia. He would get it.
I gave my everything and perhaps if I had not had so many medical issues that were weighing me down it would have worked out. Three months later, I realized my health couldn’t keep up with this pace. A week after I turned in my two weeks notice there was a decision to either stay at work and fail to meet a family obligation or walk out. I walked out.
I am not sure why five months later I was suddenly ready. Why I didn’t see it as giving up then when I did three months prior. I filed for Social Security Disability the next day.
Almost two years being a stay at home mom and more therapy has given me a different perspective.
Would I really have appreciated everything I do have if I hadn’t had to work so hard to get it? Would I really have realized how quickly time does fly and being a parent who was there was the MOST important thing? I really don’t think I would have. I was content. I am content now but they are different. I want more now. I want so much more. It was hard realizing I could be content with what my life is now but still want more. It may take me longer but I will get there. I will get there and I will try not to ignore what is going on around me right now. Because that is some truly wonderful stuff as well.
I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone. If anyone had asked me what I had planned for my life fifteen years ago it would be very different from what I have now. I think that its a failing in society that we paint things in this rose tinted view. Everything is wonderful having a job is wonderful, being married is wonderful , having a kid is wonderful. It all ends happily ever after. This took me completely by surprise. What do you mean this is what having a job is? This isn’t fun! This isn’t wonderful! Parts of it yes but not all of it. What do you mean its not all lovey dovey and kissey kissey in marriage? What do you mean we won’t always see things the same way? Lets just leave the kid part as obvious.
I have started focusing more on the beginnings of things and maybe a little of the middle of the story.To not only let myself know that it was okay when things went wrong but to let my daughter know it was okay. Its not always going to go right. It took me along time to realize happily ever after meant it was over. The story was done. My story is far from over. I know I felt like it was when I was less and less able to do the things I love.
Slowly I am reconstructing my fairy tale. I am not my illness. I am me. I am the same person only made better. Made more aware.
Not all species in this world can derive as much wonder out of life as we humans do. Sometimes when I get really side tracted by all the other stuff. I go outside and just sit. The world is moving on. The animals and insects and tress they are all just going on doing there thing. They are so super buzy pollenating and surviving. The birds are not sititng in the tree’s waiting for the worms to crawl up the tree to them. So why had I been content to let life come to me? Mainly because thats what happens in most fairy tales I had read.
I am glad to see more and more stories telling more and more of the realities of the world. Not only for the kids to realize it but also sometimes its a good reminder for us as well. It gives us hope and something to think about when times are tough. We watched Rise of the Guardians the other night. The thing that stuck with me the most is……Whats your center? That thing that drives you. Its so easy to loose sometimes.
It would be nice if a nice rich prince came and swept us off our feet and we had mice who scurried around and got the message to people. Little animals would come in and clean house with us or for us. We would always triumph over the evil. We would always see the inner beauty of everyone we meet. We would immediately rise to the occasion. We would always have someone looking out for us and who would ride in and save the day when we needed it. That anyone who did us wrong would be served their karma while we were near by and could see it.
My life may not be fairy tale perfect but parts of it have fairy tale moments and those are what we have to hold on to when its hard to hope.
If I hadn’t been what I have been through I wouldn’t have the friends I have now. The ones that help me get through the high pain days or the high anxiety days or the parenting woes. They give me hope in ways they aren’t always aware of.
At church we sing this song. Come sing a song with me,that I might know your mind, And I will give you hope when hope is hard to find, and a rose in the winter time. There are two other verses. Come Dream a dream with me and Come walk in rain with me. (Carolyn Mcdade 1976) I like the first and the last the best. They truly help me remember that even in that bad times and the hard times that there is a song to find and a beauty to be found.