Today I am pretty reflective….hey it happens. I look back on all the obstacles, all the tears, all the pain. You know what? Its worth it. I didn’t think it was at first. For awhile I said ,” I don’t want to get out of pain now that I know where my limitations are.” Now its more like….” If something changes…..I will just keep going….its what I do.” Some people understood where I was coming from with the first thought, some didn’t. I now find the same applies to the second thought. This road is very specific to each person and how fast you get through each step…is completely up to you.
I look back now and wonder how in the world I managed a full time job,a forty five minute commute, being a mom, being a wife and having chronic pain. I don’t remember how I did it but, you know what? I did it. That’s what matters. When I got laid off I was not ready to give up on working. I was not ready to be labeled disabled. I would have rather been labeled a complainer than disabled. Now its barely two years later and I am ready. I know my limits, I am content with what I do.
No, not content. I am passionate about what I do get to do. I get to spend more time with my daughter. Time where I can be present and enjoy the little things. Instead of being there in person but not mentally, because mentally I was already in bed. I can sit outside and blow dandelion seeds all over the place and delight in that very specific laugh my daughter has when she is completely happy.
Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach said : ” In youth we learn ,in age we understand.” Its hard to remember that this doesn’t just apply to our physical age. It also applies to the age of how long we have been dealing with something. When I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I wanted to absorb everything about it. Same happened with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Degenerative Disc Disease and every diagnosis after that. It even spread to an extent to the IBS that I had been dealing with for years already. Understanding that I am in a different age for each diagnosis I have is a hard thing to wrap my brain around. This is when I stumble….When I forget its okay not to be okay with whats going on. To not be okay that your body is turning on you, or so it seems.Its okay to stumble. Its okay to fall down. The important thing is to get back up and keep going.