The Guilt Chronic Illness brings……..

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So today was a really bad flare day for me…I couldn’t sleep much last night so when my daughter woke up, i grabbed my morning handful of pills and tried to wake up. This normally works fairly well. Today I just kept waiting and waiting. The more I thought about I should get up the heavier my body seemed to get. The task just seemed to much for my muscles to handle.

We take the dogs on their morning walk and I end up having to cut it short, didn’t have the energy. Okay boys, pee poop, sniff…lets get it done. We came back home and because I was so flared, I allowed my daughter to watch tv in her room. I laid down on the bed, planning on resting before I did anything more and sip some coffee.

Its now about eleven am and I have yet to be out of bed for more than five minutes at a time.I text a friend who kinda gets chronic pain. After complaining of the cement that is my muscles and lack of sleep and general just blah feeling. I force myself to get up. Pity parties are short lived here.

I may complain but I do get up and do it. What drives me most is what is my daughter going to remember about her childhood? I also then think of people who have far less mobility than myself and how they must feel. Deep breaths …. I can do this.

I look back on when I was working a fulltime job plus a commute and wonder how I did it all. Yes, I know, Pharmaceuticals! I still take some meds but not nearly as many as I was. I felt disconnected from my family. It was so hard at first to take that step back because I didn’t want to look at any one problem too closely. I am pretty good at staying in denial until it slaps me across the face……oh fine lets deal with you now.

We tried for four and half long years to get pregnant. We wanted this child with every fiber of our being. I had all these ideas of the kind of mother I would be. I would be super patient and be able to explain all her questions and allay all her fears. Her room would be just so and she would dress just so…… Okay so the kid popped some of those bubbles by just being her own person. Which I do love! But never did I think oh yes by the time she is seven I wont be able to bend over without having something to help me get back up. Never did I think I would beat her to bed just from pure exhaustion of day to day things and a side order of pain and achey joints. Never did I think I would be a stay at home Mom. I would continue to have a fullfilling career and be a fantastic wife and mother as well. Then pain came in and decided not to leave.

Most days I just solider on, and lament that this is NOT THE LIFE I ORDERED.  I use sarcasm, dry humor and wacky humor and sometimes just a bit weird. I get lost in my shows and I love a good book. I never realized how helpful the distraction of a good show or a good book can be.

I realize now how judgemental I was when I would see a disabled Mom caring for her kids. Never did I stop and think maybe she enjoys these small everyday moments more because she has gone without them a time or two from pain. Never did I stop to notice the small things and take pure enjoyment in them. A small walk where birds are chirping and maybe a butterfly passes by.

Finding acceptance is still a long way off….but contentment….yeah…I may just be there.

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3 responses »

  1. I can only imagine that chronic illness makes you look at the world through very different eyes…I hope today is a good day for you, and that you are still feeling contentment if not acceptance.

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